Don't want to lose everything

[Fiona86]

Hi, I've never really posted anything like this before. I haven't spoken to anyone about this (except my husband) so I'm sorry if this isn't quite what these forums are used for but I'm desperate at the moment.
My husband was offered a managerial position with his work and part of the job is that we relocate interstate. At first I was really excited and we were meant to move down there in May, but then Covid happened and it has been postponed until we can move. I voiced my concerns to my husband about not wanting to leave our home, not wanting to leave my family as I don't really have any friends and also not wanting to leave the only job I have ever loved. As my husband has been doing the role since November he was previously flying to his head office and they were handling his transition into the role that way, and although it was a little tricky at first, covid seems to have ironed out all the hard parts of working from home and he has been doing the job this entire time from home and there has been no issues. In fact he's even mentioned a few times himself that others have asked if we are just going to stay here as it is possible to be a manager from here. the more I think about moving, the more I don't want to go. But when I tell my husband he tells me it's too late and we have to go. It took us a really long time to buy our first home and I love this house. My sister has recently had another baby and I definitely don't want to leave her or any of my family for that matter because I am very close to them. I also don't want to leave my job, the people I work with are like a 2nd family to me. But despite all that, my husband still insists we have to go and he won't even consider asking if he could do like a fly in fly out thing where he spends 1 week here and 1 week there. I want to stay together, I want to keep my house, my job and I want to see my niece and nephew grow up before they forget who I am. But he doesn't seem to understand that.If he leaves to go live there and I stay, I will lose the house, my dog & him so I'm having a bit of a crisis about this at the moment and everytime i think about it i burst into tears. I need an outsiders opinion because i feel like a horrible person for not supporting his career but I also am feeling a bit forgotten in all this and like my input does matter.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Fiona86

It is great to have you here and you certainly have come to the right place . I can hear how desperate you are to keep your job, your home, your family together and I agree, these things are so very important. You have outlined so many good reasons to stay and I think these are really valid and really should be considered by your husband.

Moving for a job is very hard, I know I have done it, my husband and I moved to Thailand for one year, it turned into 6, while there were some amazing experiences, there were also some huge challenges and being away from family, for weddings, for birthday's and when people pass away was horrible.

I think we really have opened up a whole new way of working with COVID and the fact that people have noticed him performing remotely in his role and have suggested he do this may mean it is possible. I think that we have all learnt how to work remotely and successfully too.

I am wondering if you could take some time to write down in a non emotional way all the reasons why you should stay in your current home and all the reasons why it would be better to move for the role. Give each side of the situation the thought that it deserves and ask him for a conversation about this. Give him some time to prepare too. Time for this conversation is very important and that both people need to be considered and fairly.

I am also of the opinion that we will be doing this COVID work from home situation for a little while yet so time may be on your side, in that the longer he does do the job remotely he can see that he is doing it well and being successful in the role and that maybe the move is not necessary, maybe his manager might even see that too as moving is not a cheap exercise!

I think be open and honest with your husband, talk about how you are worried that feeling isolated in a different state may impact your mental health, you will miss your family and you too have a wonderful job that you love. Ask him about the things he will miss if the move goes ahead, does he have parents and siblings and friends?

Try not to make threats and to have a conversation where both parties get to speak openly and honestly. Try to listen to his points of view and consider where he is coming from also. If you are not able to answer a question or don't like what he is saying you can ask to "park" that and give it some time to consider so you don't say things you will regret later on.

We are here for you to chat and to listen Fiona86

Hugs

Sarah