Don't want to let go of 1% hope but don't want to be a doormat

[Trying_Optimist]

Hi,

My fiance and partner of 8 years ended us in July. Reason: 'he needed to work through childhood trauma and didn't think he was a relationship person'. I have now been out on my own for 1 month. I chose to move because I thought it would show him my commitment to listening to what he needs (distance) and that still living together was doing further damage. 

When I moved out, I found him sobbing and holding his head and then at the end he just kept repeating, 'I'm so sorry, I'm so confused'.

Fast forward a week and a half from moving and I went back to get things (I still have a lot there). I found the work 'friend' I had expressed concern about all year stayed the night. I was shattered. I left without him knowing. He had said earlier it was his male friend coming for tea that night. A few days after that it was our anniversary. My friend helped me move more stuff out while he was at work, but I ended up seeing him later. We ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was basically him crying and unloading on me about being confused and this not feeling real & he may move home overseas next year (our original plan). He said the female friend had stayed because her apartment had 'carpet moths'. She in the bed, him on couch. I so desperately wanted to believe that. He repeated that he would never go out with her for many reasons such as an alcohol problem. I left and felt just so sad for him and me. 

The following week I was in the area so messaged him to see if he was ok for me to go and get stuff - he replied ok.I found more evidence of her being there. I feel sick and leave. Don't say anything. We end up talking the next day as my rental had water leaks and may need to stay at the house for a night. He ends up yelling at me that I trigger him. I ask how as I don't intend to. He refuses to tell me and the phone call ends.

A week ago I went back for things when he'd be at work. More evidence of her. I'm Crushed. I see a note from her saying that 'though she can't say everything she'd like to, she has so appreciated his care and warmth'.

I hate I still hope we could try again with a stronger understanding of what we both need. We still haven't sorted the house/money and I'm afraid that I'm being a doormat while he gets to enjoy our lovely house with the 'friend'. But I don't want to make it so final and walk away.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Letting go isn't easy when we've invested all of ourselves into hope and commitment. It's in the realm of grief and can't be underestimated.

I had hope with an on again off again relationship for 7 long years. Her indecision was painful for me. 3 months after we broke up a chance meeting and the following chat brought me back down to earth, she hadn't changed.

My example is my fear for you, that you deserve better and can obtain better and should not settle for less. 

We hold onto hope but is our grip a realistic future? We want to trust but are we foolish to ignore facts? Smooth over by their ability to play with our guilt and hope?.

1% hope? Or is it wiser to see the 99% of the unworkable, the invisible dream?

Emotion cause us to lose logic, our heart leading our mind. 

Finalising a incompatible or confusing relationship can be the most positive act we do, amongst our sadness that is eliminated when true love comes our way.

TonyWK 

[ecomama]

Hey Trying_Optimist,

You're a very patient individual. Some times our inner most, very BEST qualities, like patience, love and TRUST come back to bite us when they're bestowed upon undeserving individuals. 

So much for the "I don't think I'm a relationship person" being in 2 at once! 
Can you see the ludicrousness of this statement not matching his actions? 

Your awareness of the situation is becoming clearer.
Perhaps the fog he created is clearing? 
Clarity is needed. 

I can see you not wanting to "make things final" but nothing is ever final until ONE person says it is or in this case perhaps SHOWS it is. 
IMHO the next best step is to send him a Lawyer's letter demanding sale of the joint property. 

He can take all his confusion with his "new room mate" off to another place NOT in your name. 

This person has a lot of gall expecting you to stand by and have another woman move in to your property lol. 
I'd be legally forcing his hand on this. 

You know your worth. 
You're worth a LOT more than this treatment, EVERY person is. 

Wishing you luck
Love EM

[Trying_Optimist]

Thank you both for your honest and kind messages. 

It's strange, nearly 3 weeks have gone by now without talking to him and I suppose the reality is sinking in a bit. Likewise, learning about my part in this situation and how if I'd known what I know now, it might have been different. I suppose that's the thing - if he had been willing to try and grow together, we could've had a chance at a REAL relationship. That's what I thought we were doing.

That's a big thing with me and this - it felt like he threw 'us' away without trying. Or maybe he had been trying himself but never told me what he needed...

I realise now that I put so much ahead of myself, taking on the majority of the responsibilities, starting a PhD so I could have a better chance of work when we moved back to his country, and doing everything with the 'this will be done soon and we can enjoy ourselves again' mentality. Ironically my doing all these things made me stop looking after myself, gain weight and lose self-esteem (I have allowed my weight to dictate a lot of my life) which then affected us MUCH MORE than anything I was doing to help. I just thought he knew this, so I am guilty of not communicating clearly. 

I know I need to stop reading stories of people reuniting, or of the other person realising what they have lost. He is going away back to his family for a short visit at the end of the month and part of me wants to write him when he's there (and away from influences), taking responsibility for parts I acknowledge are my doing. 

I know I probably wouldn't get a reply or acknowledgment and I have to think about whether this will do me more harm. I'm really trying to understand his point of view and wonder if this will just seem like another chance for me to 'control' him. 

I just don't know...

[ecomama]

Hello Trying_Optimist, 

CONGRATULATIONS on continuing with you PhD! WOW what an achievement that is! 
I'm very proud of you. 

Tbh the only letter I'd give him is one from my Lawyer stating the property will be sold. 

He's displaying "overblown entitlement" at this stage, overtly. 

IME, people like this can't be honest about what they're doing. All you've gotten so far is the bs deflection tactic of "Oh I'm so confused".
Rubbish. 
Keeping you on the backburner while he dallies in all he wants to do, is not confusion. 
It's manipulation. 

If you write a letter, it will look like you're doing the "pick me dance". 
I bet my house he won't be honest if he did reply. 
But he's arrogant enough to not reply at all. 
 

This could take YEARS to settle if you don't act quickly. 
It could take years to settle if you do! 

Have you had a look at the 180 Strategy?

What's happening at the moment appears to be like he has all the power and you don't. 
I hope you're not moving into "enabling" territory, or moved in completely! 

The 180 helps us return the powerbase to EXACTLY where it needs to be to gain GROWTH and stability moving forward.

You can POWER OUT of this, with more knowledge, more insight and a FAR better life without this drain on your psyche. 

Love EM