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Don’t know where my marriage is going
I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by posting on this forum but I feel like I really need some help.
In 2015, I found out that my husband had lied to me about his multiple relationships and one night stands from before we got together. He had only told me about one serious relationship before we met. I don’t know what made him spill the secret but he told me about a few of his past relationships one day. I was totally shocked not just for the relationships but for the fact that the things he told me I had never expected from him.
I wanted to leave him back then but he promised that he had changed since we got married (over 10 years ago). I thought I’ll give him another chance. We went out for a coffee to sort this out. I wanted to know why he hid these relationships from me for so many years. Once he started telling me about it more lies came out. He told me about something that had happened a month before at a boys only party where strippers turned into callgirls by accepting money. He said all his other friends (who are all married by the way with teenage kids) took their turns with these girls but for him. How am I supposed to believe that? Sometimes the way he looks at other women gives me a feeling he’s known them in the past or knows them now. I’m not sure why I get this feeling..
I always had doubts that I am not important to him but always let it go because I love him so much. He never lets me touch his phone and if I accidentally get hold of it, I see more porn than anything else..
I have confronted him on several occasions and he had only lied to me. Sometimes I can tell he’s lying and I stop talking to him and he confesses after that about his lies. I have a beautiful child who loves his dad too much and will not be able to see us separate.
Once we were arguing over his lies and his Mum heard us and later told my husband to separate from me as he can easily find another girl. She even said who cares about your boy? You can get another child from another girl 😞
My husband is extremely friendly and charming and is very popular amongst his friends whereas I’m an introvert and don’t have as many friends as him. I even lost touch with most of my family because of my relationship stress.
I have developed anxiety and I feel really depressed but I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it. I don’t know what to do? How can I get my husband to like me and stop lying to me?
Thanks for reading my long post 😞
Hello Suricd and welcome to Beyond Blue forums
Anxiety and depression are debilitating at times aren't they. My heart goes out to you. Trust for me, is a very big thing in my relationship. So I do understand how you are feeling, though I'm do not have the answer to your question - How can I get my husband to like me and stop lying to me?
It's good you've found your way to our community of caring, friendly, supportive and non judgmental people. I'm sure there will be others out there who will want to share their stories with you.
You've talked about what his mum has said. Who do you have to talk to? For example a close family member like your mum, or a trusted friend? Talking does help to sort things out in your own head.
You think your husband doesn't like or love you. Are you sure? Generally I believe what I think. When I'm anxious and/or depressed, I don't always think logically or I can make stories in my head that are just not true, but I think they are. Sometimes if my hubby doesn't give me a kiss when he walks in the door I feel rejected - he doesn't love me anymore. In reality it's because he's preoccupied with wanting to get to the toilet quickly or to change his clothes because the one's he has on are dirty. Nothing to do with me at all.
I'm not sure what culture you come from, in western society the use of porn by both sexes is common. More than you would think. It doesn't mean you or I have to like it, just saying it can be seen as normal in our society. Have a look in any service station magazine rack. You'll find lots of magazines in closed packages - all porn.
There are support services available if you want to talk to someone, e.g.
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
BB Support Services 1300 224 636
Keep reaching out Suricd, if and when you want to. You're not alone.
Of course posting here is a good step. Being alone wiht no one to talk to is such a lonely thing. I'm very sorry about your relationship. Your husband's behavior is really hard to bear and I'm not surprised you do not know what to do, I would not either. I guess like most of us you would dearly love for things to straighten out and matters improve.
I do know one thing, his mother sounds like pure poison. No grandmother with any love in her heart at all would dream of talking that way.
Like PamelaR I can't answer your question about your husband liking you or stopping telling untruths. I'm not sure there is an answer.
I guess the most obvious decision I'd face is if to go or stay with him. I've no idea of your financial situation or if you have family to support you.
Having a son who would suffer if you broke off is a real brake on your doing anything but staying. So too is the abandoning of all those hopes for better times.
If you did stay I don't know if you could live without trust, or the constant suspicion he was with someone else.
It may seem a silly question, but do you think he has affection for you and does want to be with you , even if he strays? I ask firstly because things are rarely black and white, and secondly because he is still there, despite his mother, and has in fact ended up telling you at least some of the truth off his own bat.
Can I suggest as a first step seeing if it is possible to get closer to your family? Whatever you decide, and even whilst just thinking about things, having someone who is on your side to talk with can really help.
You are welcome here anytime, we can understand and be here for you
Whilst I agree with PamelaR that a lot of people look at porn, I think you can tell when someone is using it unhealthily. I get the feeling that your partner has an unhealthy attitude towards women, and understand why that would be concerning for you. I would usually say that it doesn’t matter who a partner was in a relationship with before you as that is history, but how they treated women still speaks to who they are as a person. And I assume the one night stands and prostitute story etc make you concerned that he uses and discards women? Unfortunately I don’t think you have to look very far, over to his mother, to see where he got it from. Croix is right, she is pure poison. But I don’t know how you can address that, or whether there’s even any point, the damage has likely been done. I have no idea why any mother would tell their son those messages about their own gender - baffling! But I also agree with Croix, it is heartening that he has eventually told you the truth after a few missteps. It does mean there is perhaps hope there for him yet. Your partner may change, he may do it on his own or he may do it once it becomes obvious you will leave, or he may stay the same. It’s really hard to tell these things. But at this stage he doesn’t seem willing to change.
I think most important for you at the moment is to start building yourself back up. You seem to speak of your partner in elevated tones and almost put yourself down. He may be friendly and charming but that’s a veneer, whereas you are good and kind. I think you need to take the focus off your partner and start protecting yourself. I too distanced myself from my family and friends due to relationship difficulties, but it’s the worst thing I ever did. Once I opened up, I got so much strength from them, that I’d be ok no matter what. I started to build a life and believe that I’d be ok whatever happened. You don’t need to talk about your relationship until you are ready but you need that distance from him. You need to get yourself in a position that if his behavior continues you are strong enough to leave. He may improve his behavior and you may never need to, which is great. There’s no harm that can be done by believing in yourself and having a support network.