Don't know what to do.

[broken88]

Hi I was hoping for some advice please. I have been the sole carer/companion for my Mum since covid lockdown. I have my own home and life but put it all on hold to be with her.  
I had a troubled childhood and never felt my Mother loved me, I am one of seven and was always treated differently, always got more hits etc. This has damaged me I feel growing up and all I wanted as a close loving relationship with my Mum to undo some of that damage, so I have always been there for her no matter what. 
Its always been me that mum would come to for help etc, 
I felt things were so much better and she would visit as would I etc and it was so good but living with her has been difficult.  She has always been very able but decided once I moved back in to do nothing, it was a total shock but I took on the sudden roll of becoming full time slave. 
I had come to her years prior and told her I felt suicidal and had asked for help, she openly turned her back on me and never mentioned it again. 
That hurt so much and to be honest I cant forgive it because to this day she has still ignores that despite the fact that I bring it up and have told her how bad it made me feel. 
My Mum  is in her early 80s now and I so want and need to be a good Daughter, its all I have ever wanted to be, I thought if I was we would get so close. 
We were a lot closer before covid and used to travel the World together, having so much fun, always laughing. 
I think I feel resentment for being thrown into this carer roll and now seeing no hope of her fixing my broken childhood heart. 
It almost taboo to expect a senior to be accountable for their past let alone your own Mum. 
How do I heal myself without needing her to see and be sorry for the past, how can I let it all go and except it and move on so I can be a good Daughter and this is not hanging over our heads constantly. 
Thank you. 

[geoff]

Hello Broken88, I'm so sorry no one has replied back to you and feel the disappointment in your heart.

I'll just send this off and then reply to you again.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[geoff]

Hello again, some parents don't like the idea of one of their children having these thoughts, that's why they never discuss it, nor want to hear it.

My Dad was exactly the same, he was a GP but I was the first child to openly say this, but he never believed me, nor would he want to talk about it with me, may be because it was a reflection on him, but contrary to this, it had nothing to do about him.

I have to apologise again for no one getting back to you, but these new forums are different than they once were, so to find your comment, we have to click 'All Discussions' and go through each page to find a comment we want to reply to, plus it's a long week end, so please forgive me.

Sometimes the love for someone can only go one way, which is disappointing, especially when you are after the love but it's ignored.

I appreciate what you have said and you need us to support you, well I do, and now that your mum is 80 years old, then memories of the past may be a bit cloudy for her and she may only be focusing on the present, but I know how upset you are and rightly so, and you may not get the justification you are after, which is something you deeply want.

One way is to remember that you must look after yourself, because achieving what you want may not happen unfortunately, and if you have your own home and life, then this should be your priority and if your mum needs help then there are agencies that can come on board, and with you reducing the time spent with her, to develop your own life.

I'm not being critical at all, so please don't think I am, I just want you to protect yourself in life.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[indigo22]

Hello Broken88,

I saw your post last night but could not respond at the time and had every intention of responding today as I am now so please don't think we don't care, because we most certainly do.

I was in almost the exact same position as you are in which is why I wanted to reply to your post.

I first told my parents I was having suicidal thoughts when I was 25 but they were not capable of handling it and they did nothing to help me and also never mentioned it again so I understand the hurt you are talking about. I grew up in a dysfunctional family also and I suspect you were like me, sensitive to the emotions around you. I was not allowed to be angry so I stuffed it all down and tried to be good, even though at times I just wanted to scream. What you need to understand at this time is that your mother may never take on any responsibility for what has happened in the past. If she is anything like my mother, she will not even consider that she ever did anything wrong. It is up to you now to heal those wounds within yourself and that means taking steps to get some help from a counsellor of some kind who can help you work through it. It also requires you to have some love and respect for yourself, you already are a good daughter or you would not even entertain the idea of being her carer let alone putting your life on hold to do so as I also did. Where are your other siblings? You need to let them know that you are not having an easy time of it, and if they are unwilling or unable to help, then you need to come up with another strategy to make this work. I would talk to my brother on occasions about how difficult it was and he openly admitted he would not be able to live with her. Think about the possibility of respite care every few months so you can take a break. My mother and I got along well also until I moved back home and became her carer. You then see them with adult eyes which is not always pretty. You need to set some boundaries if you are going to survive this situation. My mother was also in her 80s when I moved back in with her and I can tell you she pushed all my buttons that brought up stuff from the past. I had to get a bit tough when she was being unreasonable, for example, I wanted to bring my dishwasher out of storage because it was on wheels and just attached to the kitchen tap. I felt this would be helpful for both of us as it would be one less chore to think about. But she flat out refused to have it in the kitchen so I said "okay, if that is your final word then you can do all the dishes" and I stuck to that decision. I also said, "whatever you are capable of doing for yourself, I will not do for you and anything you cannot do, I will do for you". I once said in conversation, "I can't believe I am already middle aged" and she laughed and scoffed, as if I was being absurd. I said "Mum, I have been through menopause, that's about as middle aged as it gets". This is not an easy thing you have take on and it is not likely to get any easier so you need to really think about how you are going to manage it or decide that you cannot do it. Either way we are here for you. I am following this post so I will get a notification if you post a reply.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

Take care,

indigo22

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I can relate to part of your story... well, it sounds like you were never "good enough" in terms of your relationship with your mother. For me, that is my father and I. My dad is also in his early 80s and has some issues, except that mum is still around and looking after him. At one stage, part of me wanted to address the issue, but that idea got knocked on the head. Besides, it would not undo what happened. Another part of me could also justify the actions. And that was where my psychiatrist said that acceptance is not agreement. And then explained what this meant -

... distinguising between accepting and understanding someone's experiences, and actually agreeing with their choices, beliefs, or behaviors.

And

... it may be challenging to completely let go of the past, you can work towards accepting it and finding ways to nurture your own growth and happiness. This process might involve setting boundaries, finding healthy outlets for your emotions, and engaging in self-compassion. (takes time!)

With my psychologist I will also be doing what they schema therapy and part of that involves limited reparenting which also helps in this area. Because of my dad's cognitive functions (or lack thereof now) and what I mentioned above, I will have to sort of go it alone.

And healing oneself without relying on someone else's acknowledgement or remorse can be a complex journey. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing your own well-being. Taking care of yourself is vital in order to have a healthier and more balanced relationship with your mother. Seek out the support you need, surround yourself with understanding individuals, and focus on your own healing journey.

Ultimately, I feel it is about letting go of the anger or whatever I felt that I was missing. And you did not really deserve what happened in your life.

I don't know if any of this translates into your experience(s).

[Juliet_84]

Hi broken88,

This only came up on my phone now for some reason. I apologize that someone hadn’t responded to you sooner but I see now that you have received some responses. It is a long weekend here and I have been quite unwell the last few days so haven’t been checking the forums as often as I usually do. I think there is no question that you are a good daughter. But that doesn’t mean that your mother is automatically a good mother in return. As they say, no matter how good you are to someone, it won’t necessarily make them good to you. Because how you behave says everything about you and how they behave says everything about them. That being said, although your mother is no doubt not perfect and has let you down at times in your life, you have also had some lovely memories and travelled the world together. People are flawed and are oftentimes trying to get through while also dealing with their own issues that have likely been given to them by their parents and so oftentimes fall short. But that doesn’t mean that they are inherently bad. For example, if you were to raise a child, you might have some blind spots that have occurred out of your mother’s raising of you, we all do. And the goal I suppose is for each generation to learn and improve upon this rather than just pass it on. If you feel that things have gotten considerably worse, then you are always entitled to move back out. You have a life of your own and I don’t think you need to put it on hold for someone who can do things for themselves but chooses not to. You could also consider discussing how you feel to your mum, not so that you get the reaction you want (I think very few of us do) but just so you can speak your truth.