Don't enjoy going places anymore

[Hailsm]

Being a mum has killed my buzz

I don't even like going to parties or gatherings any more because it's all about my husband enjoying himself. I'm a stay at home mum and I don't get alot of adult interaction. He suffers depression and anxiety and is medicated.

Everytime we go to someone's house my husband finds somewhere he can chill out with a mate away from me and our 2 and 4 year old like he doesn't even notice where there. He works only 4 days a week in a pretty cruisey job minutes from home where he is offered beers every day after work. He asked me to come to a mates place this afternoon to watch the football, I asked "why do you want me there? Last time we were there you didnt talk to me the whole time, zoned out and all I did was sit in a sand pit way down the back yard and in a play room playing baby sitter." Then when it comes time to leave or I've had enough of playing baby sitter, hes begging for one more drink which turns out to be 2 or 3 more and after that hes begging for me to leave him there and pick him up later, after I've been waiting for over an hour for him to come home with the family. His mates wife doesn't even talk to me and goes off to another room doing stuff. When I'm fed up and want to leave he tells me to sit down and relax, yeah right we have 2 kids, I never get to relax because I'm a mum remember, everytime I express how I feel about being the only responsible parent and having so much to do he says "well you are their mum and they should want to go to you for stuff" I get so angry because he is their father and should be more supportive of me, feel like his wiping his hands of his duties and doesnt get I deserve to enjoy myself too. The other week he got hung over and did absolutely nothing on a Sat morning until 1pm would even get up to get the kids a drink. After I put my daughter down for her nap at 1pm he asked me to go and get him Maccas because he felt sick, i said no because i had the flu and did everything for the kids all week and all that day and hes hung over and looking for sympathy, get your own mcdonalds. It's to a point now where I dread going places because it's all on me to watch the kids and I'm not allowed to enjoy myself, I'd rather stay home in our kid proof house so I can be happy doing my own thing and I don't have to stop kids getting into people's cupboards etc, but I feel hurt he doesn't care or get how I feel, just thinks I'm a mum so it should be all on me, we used to do everything together.

[Hailsm]

Also I like to add that I enjoy having a drink and chat with friends as much as he does but everytime we go somewhere I'm the driver and he gets to be the one enjoying himself, I can't even have a chat to someone for more than 5 minutes without having to stop and wipe a bum, feed a kid, comfort a kid or stop them barking something, maybe once a year I get to be the one that has a drink. Yeah those things are a mums job I know that but what the hell does he think his job is?

I probably sound silly being upset over this as I realise others have bigger problems than this but it's seriously wearing me down. I cant unwind anymore, even on a Friday night at home the kids can be fighting and screaming while I'm cooking dinner and he does nothing about it, just sits there watching, I have to stop what I'm doing and intervene. I feel so alone, unsupported and sad in this parenting journey, hes accusing me of also having depression because I feel like I rarely smile anymore but I see it as his immature drinking habits are really bothering me and I'm sick of being his mum too, if he'd grow up a bit, slow down his drinking and show more support and appreciation for what I do, I would be so much happier and could enjoy life a bit more. I have to arrange everything with Bill's being paid on time to paperwork for anything that's required to be done, all he does is go to work and play, I'm so fed up.

[Croix]

Dear Hailsm~

Welcome here, I'm sorry you have to come under such circumstances. Having kids is I'm afraid often a test of both parents, as life changes completely and responsibility and non-ending hard work become what's needed.

With two people it sort of evens out, provided each do their part it's livable and even enjoyable for both - plus the kids. That is simply not happening here.

You said "I'm sick of being his mum too" which I guess is the whole point. He sounds as if he has no sense of responsibility and is quite happy to leave everything to you. I don't really think you can go on like this, not only is the burden of doing everything too great, but the sight of him enjoying himself at your expense will simply grate more and more as time goes on. You are not a servant.

At the very least you need rules and boundaries to protect yourself, not easy to establish I know, but you are not having an easy time now anyway. I guess refusing to get his Maccas was a start.

Depression and anxiety are serious illnesses and do definitely affect how one behaves. In my case it made me want to be alone and not communicate, it did not make me want to go to parties or hang out with friends. Quite the opposite. Plus in between bouts I tried to make up for bad temper and holding back.

So first let me ask if there is anyone in your life you can rely upon? A family member or good friend perhaps? You need both practical support and also sympathy and care.

What do you think you can do to change matters. Obviously it would be great if your husband did an about face and started to help and shoulder his responsibilities. Is there any chance counseling might help for example? If not what do you think you should do?

Whatever happens you can come here and talk, we do care

Croix