do i want to leave my relationship

tdpat · ‎19-01-2018

i have been with my partner for six years and i proposed in september. She has 2 kids from different marriages and i have none (first real relationship since my 20's). I have had panic attacks in the past caused by conflict with my partner, im seeing a phycologist and have tried medication in the past but it makes me worse. I have done the pros and cons but there are more pros. The cons are the youngest child who was 1 when i meet his mum, has cystic fibrosis and the eldest 14 now i almost cant stand to be in the same room with him cause of the attitude and disrespect. I dont want a child with her cause of the situation with the other two and i dont think she is a great mother, lets the kids do what they want, eat what they want, buy what they want, using the excuse that the kids asked her to, or that the kids talked her into it. she has always accused me of not making an effort with her eldest. When the eldest is at his dads we are okay, but the mention of him coming home has my stomach in knots and nearly having a panic attack. I enjoy the time i spend with her one on one (fairly rare, but everyones in the smae boat). I have never been the fatherly type, i used to help with my sisters kids but i could always give them back or go home. What im asking is, is my body telling me to leave by having these panic attacks? my heart says stay but sometimes my mind says get the hell away. I have thought about leaving in the past a couple of times after fights about the eldest, but i have always told myself to never make a big decision while mad. I think im looking for reasons or justifactions to leave now, thanks for reading and any advice given

Quercus · ‎20-01-2018

Hi tdpat,

This says it all really...

I think im looking for reasons or justifactions to leave now

It is a hard decision to make. But it is ultimately your decision.

Your fiance will always be a mum. The kids are part of the package whether you like it or not. So it is time to think hard about whether you want and love her enough to find a way to make it work.

Be honest to yourself about what you want and whether you are happy. Talk to your partner about how you feel. And own the decision you make. That's about the only advice I have sorry.

Whatever you decide please take care of yourself. I hope you feel able to come back and keep talking.

Nat

tdpat · ‎06-04-2018

Well it's been awhile, I have left. I walked out 2 days ago. I collect things today. Hardest decision I hahave ever had to make. Already doubt it. But I couldn't continue. I am aiming to remain in contact with the youngest if his mum let's me. I'm going to pay $50 a week child support to him, we have agreed no contact for the next two weeks. Hurts like hell, I'm not eating or sleeping, I've booked an appointment with my shrink and even visited a church yesterday.

quirkywords · ‎06-04-2018

Tapat

Thanks for the up to date. Eenwhen you have finally made a decision you will have doubts and it will hurt. It is good to keep talking to the shrink and your ex. You have made a financial and emotional commitment to the youngest and tat will give you a connection to the family. Maybe over the months you will feel better about your decision.

Take care of yourself and keep us informed if you want to.

Quirky

IsaJett · ‎06-04-2018

Hi Tdpat

Don't be too hard on yourself. Follow your heart and guts ...you are the only one that knows exactly what you are going through. usually the answers lies within ourselves. We are here to support you in one way or another but just know that you will be ok and they will be ok as well. A break up is never ideal ..but know that its better to have loved and lost then not loved at all.

Often when we love people...we need to set them free ...part of letting go...part of loving really....cruel but true.

Stay strong

Stay in touch and let us know how you are faring.

geoff · ‎07-04-2018

Hello Tdpat, it's brave of you to leave but if it wasn't going to work out then you have made the right decision for all of you.

It's also very generous to financially support the youngest child and it does keep in contact with the family.

These next two weeks maybe difficult for you, but count down each day until the 14 days are up, but in the meantime try and gain some strength with your psych and even visit the church more often if this gives you some consolation.

Kindest regards.

Geoff.