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DO I LEAVE?
I have been married for 21 years, I have 3 kids, 19, 18, 15, im from a European family and I married the same! Its been up and down my whole marriage. Today I cant fart without it being a problem, excuse my example. I just CANNOT do anything right! I just cant, he has talked about our sex life to my middle child, (Girl) he would call me on the phone and say something like "she has a day off tomorrow at work, why does she have to go into work on her day off? and I would repeat Tomorrow is her day off, and he would get angry at me and say Didn't I just say that! I have over the years walked out, I have over the years threatened that I would commit suicide, I just cant talk to this man, I have no reasoning with him, he is very old fashioned. My oldest daughter is to afraid of getting involved in a relationship with a boy as he has scared her so much that she just doesn't want to go through what would be lying ahead. He was in a car accident about 8 years ago he doesn't work he thinks he has bi polar, the whole family has to walk on egg shells around him, its "don't make dad upset" all the time! We went shopping the last 2 weeks and each time I have forgotten something OMG he yelled at me that I was stupid. He makes me feel so stupid, so unwanted, I work full time and im also his carer, I want to stay at work and not go home! I cry, he has even manipulated my kids to believe that I am a bad person cause I have threatened to leave. I want to leave but my kids wont talk to me, I love my husband I love my family, If I walk away I will feel that I have failed this marriage that I didn't stick it out, I am no role model to my kids, Marriage is till death do us part, and I will let them down. There is so much more I could write, I just don't know which parts to write. Im thinking my youngest will finish year 12 in 2 years and then I will walk away.Its good one month where he adores me, then next ,month he doesn't. He is very sarcastic towards me, and wants me to make all the efforts, eg in the bedroom play dress ups and make the effort, I always ask why do I have to dress up why cant you, and he has repeated this infront of my kids..
im very unhappy and just don't know what to do
Firstly, you are in a tight situation. Before I comment on that et me quote you " I have over the years walked out, I have over the years threatened that I would commit suicide"
Never threaten this. Two wrongs dont make a right. There is no excuse for this. Also make an agreement with him, that if you want to walk out (or he does) that you wont leave the property but he shouldnt approach you as you need time out. When you return to the inside of the home ask him for a coffee and sit down and then discuss the issues quietly. He must also do this. These techniques can be learned and you can learn them He can if he isnt stubborn.
Ok, thats past. I dont believe your situation is fixable. But it is only one side of the story and thats not easy to judge. My primary concern is your mental health and your inability to see/find ways to better help yourself. If you leave make sure you explain, without demonising your husband, that you cannot take the abuse any longer. That you'll find a place of your own and they are welcome to come with you. That you are not going to criticise their father because he will always be their dad but you must find happiness. Ask them to be aware that their father might try to convince them of how bad you are but its up to them to decide that. Leave it at that. They are old enough to think for themselves.
Before that however please contact relationships Australia. Ask your husband to go with you. Dont worry if he doesnt. You can get a lot out of a meeting with them.
You are obviously a thing to him he can abuse, take things out on. That isnt right. But before you jump ship, he might be of the view that his behaviour is normal and within boundaries. He might not intentionally want to harm you. So, give him the benefit of the doubt by offering opportunities, reasonable ones, to repair this damage.
Try to get him to your GP or RA. Try everything. Then you'll have peace of mind.Good luck and keep us informed.
If you suspect that he has bipolar, then you have to get him to a GP or your local doctor. Just this first step towards getting help could make a huge difference. Have you ever considered couples counselling? Also, sitting down and talking to each other about what's going on could help.
If you're as unhappy as you sound, then you need to do what's best for you and your kids. If you leave, your kids will forgive you, although it may take time. If they see you happy and making a difference, that would send a good message to them: that no one has to put up with abuse. You are responsible for your own happiness. I believe that the best thing for you to do is to get out of that situation and start rebuilding your life. But, the decision is up to you.
I wish you all the best,
Today is another day! Im in the good books, kind of! but I still have to watch those egg shells...I found myself having a discussion with hubby yesterday regarding my son and his future overall, and I was completely agreeing with what he was saying (this time I actually did agree) and found that everything was ok, no arguments because I AGREED! This is my life, I must agree for life to run smoothly..actually I have quoted to a Gloria Jeans guy when I go buy hubby coffee to keep him happy, My quote isn't "Happy wife happy life", mine is "Happy tony, happy family". its all about HIM. I write that I want to leave, but I know that I don't have the guts to do it, we rent we don't own our home due to unfortunate circumstances 8 years ago. He has a car and I have one, we don't own anything, and I know many times we argue that stupid as I am I will stick around. I just don't have the courage to walk away.
He has convinced me about 4 years ago that I had a problem and that I needed help, he convinced me so much that I ended up going to a counsellor/pshycologist and I went 3 times, she had told me that I wasn't the problem by what I was telling her.
Well thats some good news albeit likely temporary.
I think you need some skills in responding to your husband. Dont be ashamed of this. We adults are set with our responses depending on our environment and upbringing/education etc. So we dont really change a lot over many years. When a couple has been together for so long they can guess what the other person is going to say and this triggers them off. Dont get me wrong here....it isnt your fault but it doesnt mean you should tolerate it either. However you can learn new skills.
Like- when you do disagree with him about your son, if you could say to him "sorry Tony, will you get angry if I disagree at all"? He'll say "no I dont mind" Then you say your answer and make it a full one. If he gets angry then say "Tony, I'm sorry you are angry but you said you wouldnt be".
Other ideas are to remain calm and your voice soft and low in volume. As he starts to raise his voice ask him "I'm listening Tony, why are you raising your voice"? At the same time if close enough, place your hand on his forearm.
All this sounds like you are on your knees begging, pussy footing around. You arent, you are soothing the loudness, asking for him to calm down, you are trying to break through the barriers.
All these skills can be learned. Yes, he has faults and could have an illness that requires help. But to get him there, to a doctor, starts with you persuading him and that takes a new level of commitment. I know you can do this. You can learn these skills. And you are a wonderful wife because you are committed.
Take care and we are always here. Tony WK