Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Do I keep going with him the same way

Community Member
I have recently met an amazing guy. Last weekend I visited him at his house. Friday night was great, Saturday he went to work came home and was OK...as night went on got really stand offish. We went to bed and there was absolutely nothing. The next morning I woke him and told him I might get up and shower and head off he then told me he was sorry and that he suffers severe depression and anxiety...we had a good chat he cooked bfast before I left. This week as the week has gone on the message replies have got less and less now down to one word replies. I keep messaging as normal. I have told him what I think about him and how I won’t let him fall. Do I keep messaging or do I just pull back
6 Replies 6

Community Member

Hi Nattys,

I looks like most people were asleep when we wrote our posts last night; that is, 'people' who frequents this forum. The lady I married had many issues. She struggled in social situations, had zero self confidence, constantly put herself down especially implying she was stupid. She had moody days, but she had highs too when I felt so happy. Like you, it brought out my supportive nature, I believed I could help her believe in herself, I thought I could 'FIX' her and make her understand she was beautiful and smart.

25 years later and it turns out all those years of telling her she was beautiful and smart were ignored. What makes it all worse is she projects those negative qualities onto me. Every argument has a point where she tells me "your ideas are stupid", "that is stupid", "only a stupid person would say that". Furthermore, she has not found me physically attractive for many years.

If this guy has issues, unless you are a qualified social worker or psychologist, you can't help him with them. There may be a honeymoon stage of happiness, but be prepared for when it returns to what you have already experienced. I denied it, I refused to believe it was happening, but for our 25 years there were always times when my partner was down on herself (like your guy) and I danced and performed to make her happy. But it was all just temporary, it just delays the inevitable downfall. He needs to come to terms with himself. He is showing you what you will need to put up with (very early) so that he never has to face himself.

Thank you

I did send a message last night telling him I will back of the messages but not on him etc etc he replied this morning telling me he was ok and to “chill with the messages a bit plse” (not totally go away or leave me alone so I take that as a positive hey)

so I will give him space to do his thing. Do I totally stop and wait or do I randomly just send a short message just to let him know I am still there

I take it as a positive that he did tell me what he is going through..that is a positive hey

Community Member
Natty, starting a new relationship should be easy and nice, not complicated and full of questions for you like what you’re experiencing... The guy has issues obviously and he’s not taking responsibility for himself - he shouldn’t start a relationship if he’a not OK emotionally, so you should put yourself first and leave before you get hurt more. Why would you want to take care of someone who doesn’t take care of themselves? Get out before it affects you more... forget about the great sex because you are paying dearly for it already... Mind you, his behaviour seems to be narcissistic also! When he says you should chill out with your messages, don’t you think he should be glad that you’re investing in the relationship rather than being annoyed by your messages? Don’t kid yourself, see the signs for what they are: red flags! And get out before you get hurt more...

Community Member
Hi Nattys
I have been where you are. An amazing beautiful man who feels like he could be it, because when he is up he makes you feel like a Queen. But then he comes down, and pushes you away. I stayed on this rollercoaster with my ex for 7yrs. Sitting at home trying to find ways to help him, to be there for him, to support him thru his struggles; all for that tiny glimpse of the amazing man he truly is underneath his depression.
But all my 'help' and 'hope' didn't work because he wasn't ready to help himself.
You seem like you just want to help and hope as well. If this is a new relationship, like everyone has already said he is showing you what it's going to be like. Cut your loses and help yourself now. Let him know that you enjoyed his company and that you wish him the best but that you see you are looking for different things. You seem to want a relationship of some form and he is telling you he can't give you that.
Keep yourself open for someone who is ready to love you x

Community Member
Thank you - your message really has hit home (tears and all!)....I hear what you all are saying and I know it all to be true..you know how you just try and hold onto something that really wasn’t something to start with...but putting that aside I still want to be the person he needs to lean on crazy I know

I wish I had listened to my inner voice when I started my relationship.

It is clear you know something is not right, or you wouldn't be here asking questions. It is crazy that you still want to be the person who is there for him, but I can associate as I am the same.

The problem is they learn to abuse that caring nature. He has warned you from the go get that things will be hard and you will be the rock of the relationship. I tell you now, you can get blood from stone, it just takes time. You have a need to be wanted, he has a need to ignore his problems, it is not a perfect match.

Good luck with your future, I do hope it is a happy one.