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My ex husband and I separated 2 years ago only after being married for 12 months. It was a horrible separation that I am still dealing with 2 years on with severe depression and anxiety. My ex initiated the separation by packing up and going while I was at work and it came at a complete suprise to me. I am still very much in love with him and continue to fight for our marriage however he has no interest in trying to work things out. I live in absolute fear of divorce as that is ultimately the end. Can anyone help me understand the divorce process, how it works, what it entails, the toll it takes emotionally. I need to prepare myself for when he initiates it.
Hi Lucy, welcome
Sorry to hear about this. I've had four relationship over 7 years in length each, two marriages.
After 12 months separation one party can apply for a divorce. Papers are exchanged, a fee paid and its simply a paper process. With kids it is far more complex.
Being still in love with him poses many hurdles for you. Lets see if we can help you face them.
My own experiences tell me that love can only be replaced with love, to find another partner or at least enjoy the company of other men with dating or chats. It doesnt have to go further but it might, when you are ready.
The reason I promote this is because emotional attachment doesnt mean realistic bonding especially if the other party isnt interested. Its more a ongoing torture process.
So, there are processes you can take to recover your old self and boost your self esteem. After 11 years of my first wife emotionally abusing me, I resorted (after separation)to daily staring in the mirror for five minutes telling myself I'm a good man that deserves happiness.
Another thing was to cram into my life- activities. I built my own home and worked 72 hours a week.. it worked. Set goals and seek achieving them. Sports, hobbies etc. Whatever it takes to sway your mind away from focussing on a hope that the marriage will return.
Sometimes we cant get our head around an unworkable relationship because we have the devotion and the hopes. But the fact is, it takes two.
I always promote here for those wanting to sever ties with another, to do it face to face. Nowadays running when you're at work or texting/messaging is deplorable ways to treat anyone. You deserve better.
Find a better guy. One that shares your values and sees you as his princess.
Maybe then, you'll feel loved much more and put the past to rest, where it should be.
I wish you well. Post anytime or reply. Up to you.
Thank you very much for your reply and for sharing your story.
Some of what you said, I already know, yet I am finding it incredibly difficult to follow. 2 years on and I can not adjust to what I am faced with. I find it incredibly difficult to face as separation was never something I wanted and continue to want. I feel as though the rug was lifted from me and I was expected to deal with what followed. My life is an absolute mess. I struggle so badly with depression in particular and am in the process of waiting to see a psychiatrist and go on medication for the second time.
I do not see a way out of this and if I can become slightly better and adjust to life without him, I will only fall again when I am faced with the divorce process. It makes mangry ry that it is someone I have to go through despite wanting nothing more than to work things out.
In regards to you suggesting I meet someone else etc... that was exactly what my ex did in a matter of weeks after our separation. It is not something I can do as I intended to be with my husband forever, that's what I thought was going to happen. I cant imagine life without him so I feel ill be alone and sad like this for the rest of my life. I am 32 years old and feel so ashamed about the failure of my marriage. I feel so rejected and believe this is what I deserve and no other man could see good in me.
Even after two years this is still raw for you. That makes it hard for us (fellow sufferers of mental illness not trained medical professionals) to help.
Also, by spelling out the facts to you while you are not wanting the marriage to end cant be swallowed easily. If I suggested you hang around and wait for him I'd be giving you false hope.
The fact is there is no easy road to take and few advisors will be able to provide comfort. Hence, sadly, relationships advice can be a minefield. Regardless with my experiences one has only one course you can take, considering your mental well being and that is to take measures to "cushion the blow".
As far as your pending psychiatrist appointment and possible medication, wonderful. We all need a helping hand with coping with lifes events. Some patients have difficulty accepting they are in mefication. I dont but I respect their fears.
Topic: rejection, its hard to swallow- beyondblue
Topic: coping woth grief- beyondblue
Topic: success!!! 53 years of hell now 5 years of contentment- beyondblue
Topic: meditation- words of wisdom- it helped me for 25 years- beyondblue
Thank you very much for your reply once again.
Its incrediby raw still to this day, and I am aware its my doing because I can not accept my situation and therefore move on.
Thank you for referring me to those topics. Going to read them right now. Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice.