Divorce after 30 years and lost my support systems

[Seriouslytho]

Pretty much what the title says. It’s rough right now, and I am feeling more alone than I have in my life. And I was an orphan, so that’s saying something. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about 7 years ago (was also abused/sexually assaulted in my childhood and young adulthood), and have been making a lot of progress with healing since then. 

My marriage was steeped in conservative Christianity. It was codependent. I tried 5/6 therapists over 30 years to make this work. He lost his faith 11 years in, and I followed a few years later. We have two kids, one is an adult and the other is soon to follow. I had to work in another state during the pandemic, and I realise I was much happier without him. He didn’t like to spend time on the phone or video call. When the borders opened up, it didn’t occur to him to have a joyful reunion. He didn’t ask when I was coming home. He rarely initiated contact, then got upset and defensive when I called him out. I united sex almost exclusively the whole relationship, and got rejected most of the time. There’s so much more, but that gives you a basic idea. 

Late last year I reconnected with an old friend from high school. He was my biggest crush. We started talking, and developed major feelings for each other. Before things developed further with my crush, I asked my husband for a divorce. The new man was a catalyst more than anything. I took a lot of time to make sure i wanted the divorce regardless of whether this new relationship worked out or not. I consulted with our couples therapist who had previously told us we were codependent-my soon to be ex denied we were and disagreed. He disagreed with all our therapists. He’s consistently dismissed me throughout our marriage. He may be on the spectrum-the couples therapist thinks so. Both kids are in favour of the divorce. We’re trying to get our youngest some help with other issues. She was disrespectful to me today during the process. He decided she wasn’t. He’s saying I’m the problem, I’m too angry. It’s such a mess. I want to move out, but I can’t (too expensive and I could lose my claim on the house). It’s like they are ganging up on me. I have lost my support network because I left my faith, and because I’m seeing someone else while separated. I had to drop other friends because I realised I was attracting friends who also have CPTSD, which wasn’t healthy. Again, I have never felt more alone, despite having two therapists (who actually haven’t been available lately). My new partner lives in my home country, and thigh he’s supportive (he’s separated, too) 

Thanks for reading. No idea what to do next. No idea how to build a new support system. No idea how to win my almost adult kid back, or if I ever will be able to. And I’m hurting rather badly. That’s it, really. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I've been here 10 years and I can never stop becoming overawed by the courage some members have, you are no exception.

I think it was inappropriate for that therapist/counsellor to take sides and make you feel so isolated. It sounds like you might be best moving on from that one.

I think the most important next step is to attend a family solicitor (most first visits are free) and ask them about any forthcoming property settlement. In rough terms it no longer matters who left the house however superannuation and past inheritance all comes in one the calculations now. So if your husband inherited say $100,000 and that money went into the property say off the mortgage then that is relevant in a settlement. If he had a superannuation payout through a workplace disability - same thing. So it can become complex and that solicitor can put things straight. Beyond that shared accommodation or a caravan in a caravan park until things settle could be a step in the freedom journey. Some showgrounds have free camps and an app called WIKICAMPS for a one off fee of $10 is the best investment anyone can make with travelling around. If you know you wont be penalised property wise then that temporary accommodation might appeal.

Your new man might be just what you need to spark up your life and I'm happy you havent mentioned any guilt about it. You certainly deserve a break and love and care. There seems to be some lingering lack of self care and a maintenance of keeping your husband in your life which isnt really healthy nor essential especially if the property situation is as I mentioned, not a threat to your entitlements. So for that reason self care can arrive much earlier and that is a good advancement, quicker the better.

Changes in our lives can be daunting even more for a female considering the limited options now with the housing crisis. Try to explore all avenues like maybe a loan on your own personal assets in the property to set yourself up and to replay on settlement. 

What ever your future you no doubt can achieve in my opinion and we are here for any questions. On the same topic reply here, on a new separate topic start another post.

"Your walk towards your happier future start with your very first step."

TonyWK

[Seriouslytho]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, Tony. I appreciate your support!