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Distance and accusations

Community Member


Just a bit of a back story, my husband and I are separated on different sides of the world due to covid restrictions, I was able to visit last year, I had to leave and come back home, we got married while I was there with him.

My husband is sweet, kind, generous and thoughtful... until he drinks, he turns snarky, says sly comments that hurt me and accuses me of cheating on him. I know he has ADD and anxiety but when he’s even had a few drinks in him , he changes into another person and I feel like his emotional punching bag. He always ends up apologising and is ashamed of how he spoke to me but then does it again and again. I’ve tried to explain to him how much this is hurting me and our relationship and I’ve talked to him about getting help, I sense he’s had some deep things go on in the past but I don’t know how much I can take of his accusations, the jealousy and being overbaring.
We’re only newly married, I don’t know if he will stop doing this or if it’s just going to get worse.
I’m really upset that this keeps happening, I don’t know what to do. I’m so loyal and would never do that to him, it’s just so unfair and it’s pushing me away.

We do the distance just fine, we FaceTime and call each other basically any free time we have and work really well as a team, we have the same future goals in life.. I don’t want to just throw away our marriage but I don’t know how to fix this and I’m always worried I’ll emotionally detach and end up walking away.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi Moonlight11,

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job with the distance between you - that's so tough! My partner lives in Sydney and I am in Melbourne - we were apart for 8.5 months last year and then again for two months since our last catch-up in early December. We'll finally see each other again end of Feb, if covid doesn't disrupt it again.

We do the same things - Facetime, text messages each day. We also go for walks 'together' - a walk and talk. Some nights we take it in turns deciding on a recipe, cook the same meal and eat it over Facetime. I also put together a tour of his local area and got him to walk to particular points where I would provide some historical information about eg a building he was standing in front of. We watch Netflix shows together - on the TV screen with Facetime on our phones.

There are lots of ideas online about things like this to keep long distance relationships interesting. Maybe you could add some fun things like that to your calendars so you have something to look forward to each week?

Regarding his behaviour, I'm not going to say that's ok - because it isn't. I do wonder whether the stress of being apart with no option of reunion for now is adding to this behaviour. I'm hoping that might be it. I can't speak from experience or with any expertise on the topic, so I wonder whether it might be useful to speak to a trained professional about this - eg a counsellor - to try to work through this and explore why he might be doing this?

Wishing you strength and resilience.