dear Rudyreed, hi and thank you for posting on this forum, with a query that I'm sure is very common,
I wonder whether jealousy is the underlining problem here, especially with the three who didn't even go to her wake, and then decided to sit on the opposite side in the church, or weren't chosen as executors so 'got their nose out of joint'.
If this is what happened I think that it's going to very difficult to repair, because there will be underlying hostility.
Can I ask you before this 10 year period, were you in contact with the rest of the family, or perhaps the go-between, and I also wonder whether any of these 2 groups communicate between themselves, which I know that this is something you may not be aware of. L Geoff. x
dear Rudyreed, thanks for replying back to us.
From what you have said is that you were the key couple you and your husband helping your family out as best you could, well that's something which would be very difficult for most people to do.
What concerns me is you have or had cancer and I wonder how you are coping with this now.
Having your mother moved into a nursing home is something that is so hard to cope with, because years ago she was the one that guided us through the good and bad, fed and clothed all of us but now she is incapable of looking after herself, this is really heartbreaking, because the same happened with my Mum and it is demoralising and very upsetting.
I wonder whether you were the only to be 'power of attorney', and if so then this would create a barrier between you and your family, even though you were trying to help them out, and siblings can be very sensitive and get their 'nose out of joint'.
The money you have lent your sister, well maybe you won't get any of this back, as it's no different than my (ex) brother in law who we also lent thousands of dollars to but will never see a cent returned, so could this be a reason why see doesn't want to see you any more, just in case you ask for a return.
You were very generous, and unfortunately this isn't recognised by those who needed it, not now or in the future, and we wonder why we would ever try and help them if we knew this was going to happen, personally I would have said no to my wife's brother, but he was only communicating with my wife and not me, and now realise how stupid we were, but the horse has bolted.
This is something that you will find hard to accept, but the more you try and contact them, with no return correspondence is going to eat away at you, I know myself and I understand, but what a husband, married for 27 years where the both of you love each other, you're got a gem here.
For them not wanting to contact you at the moment doesn't mean that they will in the future, so keep that hope in the back of your mind. L Geoff. x
dear Rudyreed, thanks again for replying.
I know that you have mentioned your cancer, but after the surgeries I hope that it has become benign, but that's a question no one can tell, but I really hope so.
From what you have told me I do think that your siblings were jealous that you had a closer relationship with your mother, but you appeared to be very sensible and alert to what your mum wanted, and why would the rest of your family want to try and change her, it just doesn't seem fair.
In my opinion if someone who is reaching their prime years there is no point in trying to stop what they have always loved, let them have what they want until their time comes.
I know an elderly couple in their 80's and have always smoked their entire life a packet of cigarettes each, costly for them, but they are happy and don't have emphysema, so if anybody tried to stop them from smoking would be the worse decision ever, they are happy, struggling with money, but the smokes are what they love and definitely want.
Your siblings do have their nose out of joint, as you were power of attorney, and by being so does annoy the rest of the family, but you were the right choice and your mother made a very good decision, but this whole reason why they don't want to have anything to do with you is because they are angry that they weren't made power of attorney, in other words jealous.
I wonder whether your mum is still alive, I hope so, because you would be doing the very best for her, unlike what any of your siblings would be doing.
You have a husband and a half, and boy how lucky you are to have each other. L Geoff. x