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Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Community Member

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here.

My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much about the discussion itself. She was more angry about that fact that members of the group could look at my profile and discover her (name, pictures, etc.).

What is your opinion about that topic?

23 Replies 23

Community Member

You should of made a burner account that couldn't be tracked back to you.

Shes right to be upset about strangers having access to her

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Duesentrieb~

In your other posts you set out a fair amout of detail about your relationship with your wife, and it seems to have its troubles.

As a result while it is quite natural to seek the opinions and support of others I'm afraid that allowing your wife's identity to become known was not a good move. It may well have been a shock to her and make her feel betrayed and vulnerable, a not unreasonable reaction. To have her identity linked to marriage difficulties could be particularly upsetting.

Is it possible for you to delete references to your wife from your account? If not and you value your relationship deleting the whole account and starting again may be the only other option.

While I'm not sure that doing this will ease the strain between the two of you at least it might prevent things from getting worse.

What do you think?


Community Member
l don't blame her , even though you can bet bottom dollar she's been talking to her friends about it all for probably longer than you have. But yeah , bloody fb , l don't even use my real name on that thing.

Thanks…I got a bit more detail now.

I am a member of some private, non public groups and have there some friends.

She hasn’t seen anything but it seems that FB suggested these friends to her which she interpreted as an emotional affair and/or exchange of information…

I am not such a FB expert as I am not sure if that happens in closed groups but it could be as well a big bluff..

BTW. I deleted all my posts

Thank you for your reply.

It seems she has no details and it could be more of a bluff based on my increased FB usage. She asked more if I have an emotional affair which I do not have. But some members of these groups became friends and that she could see and made her suspicious. Nothing more nothing less.
Just to be cautious I deleted all my posts.


I take it that these new friends are women for her to have such a problem with it? If so, I think there are two separate issues here. 1 is talking about marriage difficulties to people outside of your marriage in a forum that is not anonymous and 2 talking to new women friends about your marital issues, which would be a bit of a warning for me as well. Feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood. I think you probably need to sit down and think what you want from this relationship and whether you want to repair it or whether you want to turn away from the relationship and keep talking about it with other people and potentially doing more damage. If there are issues that you want to talk through, have you considered marriage counseling from someone qualified in this area?

Thank you for for your insight.
As I mentioned I am not totally sure what my wife saw. At the moment I guess that some of my new friends popped up in her FB. Some of them are women, some men.

You are right, it is/was not right to discuss issues with strangers and I should concentrate on my marriage, instead.

I could talk to a councillor which I did some time ago (~18 month) but even that she found very disturbing as I would learn tricks how to control her (her words). BTW, there was a time that I suggested marriage counselling (extensive silent treatment) and she refused.
She will not accept any external help.

Hi Duesentrieb,

Only you can really know whether your intentions with your friends are purely platonic. However, your concern over what your wife potentially saw suggests to me that perhaps you are aware of some inappropriateness on your part. That is just my feel so I am happy to be corrected.

Regarding a psychologist, I think many of us often go there with the wrong intention. Rather than to see what we are doing wrong and how we can more adequately meet our partners needs, we go there hoping to be right and have our needs met. Perhaps she found that you weren’t being completely honest or were trying to manipulate the situation and that has coloured her vision. We should also leave the psychological analysis to the experts. My ex would often come home after a session and then take on the role of “psychologist”, which I found controlling. It is only when we go there with our ears open and without ego with a true desire to fix our relationship, that we can really get anywhere. But I suppose that depends on whether you think the relationship is worth saving?

Hi duesentrieb,

I read back my response and realized that it may have come across unintentionally harsh, which I didn’t mean. I suppose I was just musing out loud and trying to explore the situation further. At any rate, I hope I didn’t offend. Do you have any idea why your wife would have felt that you were trying to be controlling after the sessions? What are the main problems that you have with your wife? Do you think there is something worth fighting for and want to continue to be married or do you think you would be better to separate?