Discover infidelity 9 years ago but still feel depressed

[PattyGM]

Hi,

I decided to tell my story because for 9 years I have been
suffering alone and it is getting worst.

After 3 years of marriage I got pregnant right when we were
about to go to study abroad. We both had been awarded scholarships to go to
Spain, so we decided to go and have the baby there. I left first as I had an
interview to present and he was supposed to join me in Spain two weeks after.
The night right after my interview I had a horrible dream and when I woke up I
decided to check his email, something that I never did because I trusted him
100%. To my surprise I found three horrible emails where he was saying goodbye
to this other woman in the most romantic way, she did the same and basically
they were thanking each other for the wonderful time they had had together. I
almost die of sadness, being 10 weeks pregnant I only wanted to stop that
pregnancy but I did not do it. He came to Spain and somehow convinced me that
it was nothing, that there was not sex involved, that he "lost his
mind" and that that relation only lasted one month. I forgave him but
still felt that what he told me was not the truth. I got the phone number
of this woman and asked directly if she had had sex with my husband to what she
said yes. I faced him again with the new information and he accepted it. Since
then we are still together (9 years have passed), we had another baby, but I
have regular periods of depression, I feel that not all the truth was said,
that he is lying to me on everything he says. I became the most obsessive
person checking his email every single day, his mobile, his wallet....this is
going to sound weird but somehow I have the hope of finding something else.
Perhaps I am looking for a excuse to convince myself I do not want to be with
him anymore. The maximum I have found along these years is porn pictures or
videos, which has stolen my self-esteem completely. I have lost the desire to
live, I continue with my life because two children are a huge responsibility
and I continue working hard and doing the best I can only for them. However,
almost every night I pray it is the last nigh of my life, I just want to
disappear. We look like a normal family, but I just feel totally empty. I fear
so much being without him, but I fear even more that he will cheat on me again.
I do not want to tear this family apart because I do not want my children to
suffer.

I am losing control of my own mind, just too depressed.

I need help...

[White_Rose]

Dear Patty

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sad for you being in this turmoil and hope we can support and help you. Thank you for telling us your story.

Nine years is a long time to carry this burden of grief alone and trying to live an ordinary life. It's stating the obvious I know but you just do not trust your husband about anything. I stayed with my husband for 30 years because I was too scared to leave. He is a bully and I totally lost my self confidence living with him. Once the children (4) had left I found the strength to leave.

Of course hindsight is always 20/20, but I wish I had summoned the courage to leave many years earlier. By the time I left I was so demoralised that it took me a while to even enjoy living in my own home. Eventually, after a year alone, I fell into a huge pit called depression. I almost went back to him which would have been a disaster for me.

I am telling you my story, briefly, so you will know I have some idea of how you are feeling.When there is something horrible gnawing at your life and heart it needs to be put right as soon as possible. I would be gutted to find porn videos in my home. Although you cannot find any evidence of another affair it seems you believe he is still having affairs and this is, understandably, distressing for you.

One things the psychologist I saw kept impressing on me was to listen to my body. It took me a little while to understand what he meant, but finally it clicked. So I repeat the advice to you, listen to your body. If your body is saying there is something wrong then there probably is something wrong. Not necessarily an affair but he is doing something that makes you distrust him and cause all this sadness and worry.

Your story is not strange or weird. Give yourself permission to believe in yourself. We usually know somewhere in our bodies that something is not right, even when we do not know what. I understand about damaging your children as this was my reasoning. With hindsight I wish I had left earlier. I found I was capable of earning a living, make decisions without it all going pear-shaped and care for my family.

To start to make some sense of all this I believe you need to visit your GP, book a long appointment, copy and print your post to take with you and talk about your fears to the GP. It's the starting point of helping you to know what is real. You are right with your uneasiness and need to start work on changing your life.

Out of word allowance. Write in again.

Mary

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Patty, my situation was a bit different, but I understand all too well what you are going through. It's something I rarely talk about and which I probably should because it is still doing me damage. In my case, the wayward partner was fairly quick to confess his infidelity, I did not seek that sort of information, though it was glaringly obvious to me that something was wrong and I pressed him about it. That you found out the way you did is the first bad sign. That he continued to lie even then is worse, it is understandable that you lack trust in your husband, and that is very unhealthy for you and the family as a whole.

It worries me that you still feel he is not being truthful with you. As Mary has said, your body will tell you when something is amiss, whether or not it is further infidelity on his part or something else. For me, simply the memory of what he did was enough. I believe his remorse was genuine, I believe he never repeated his error. Oddly, we did recover trust in our relationship as far as fidelity went. However we both developed depression, and we were each other's triggers. He felt unworthy, I felt betrayed, the intimacy fell out of our relationship and many other things besides. We were living in utter misery for six years, trying to fix the unfixable. Like you, I did not want to live. I found that as much as I wanted to forgive him, I was failing, and I couldn't live with him in the knowledge he couldn't value me or my safety as I deserved, and as I had valued him.

Here I guess you need to assess what you really want, and what is possible. If you want a whole and trustful marriage, your husband has to be willing to work with you to that end, and you need to feel that he is being honest. Have you tried couples counselling, or do you feel he would agree to do so? A mediator can help in these things.

Or if you have tried everything and not wanting to live is your daily existence, I can tell you that parting ways is by far the better option for you and your children. Kids know when their parents are unhappy, and it impacts on them. Ugly though it was, my parents' divorce was the best thing they could have done for all concerned because they were just plain bad for each other, and for my siblings and I. Kids are resilient. As long as they have food on the table and their parents are okay, they bounce back well in tricky circumstances. It's okay to consider yourself and your needs in this, I promise. Here to listen.

Blue.