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Devastated and don’t know I can go on

Community Member

2 weeks ago my husband of 37 years and 2 adult boys announced to me he didn’t know if he loved me and told me he had fantasies about a friend of his. She was a client and I had been warned many times by others that she was after him.

I found intimate messages between them. He packed up and left to stay with friends.
he only contacted me today with implying I’m talking bad about him and accusing him of an affair. Also that I’m telling our children toxic things about him, which isn’t true.

he asked me to let him Go.

I am totally devastated and can’t function. I didn’t reply.. I haven’t eaten for 2 weeks, can’t sleep.. I’m talking to my GP who is monitoring my health.

I also have a health issue where I need to have tests done to confirm if I have blood cancer or not, which petrifies me.

our boys still live in our property and I feel I can’t stay here as it’s too painful. Our business was from our property and I can’t and don’t want to go back to work. So I have no income.
I feel completely blindsided, shocked and in total disbelief.

I have no idea what to do, he hates me and I don’t understand why.

we have always had a healthy and loving relationship, and he struggles with mental health and can get paranoid. And I’ve always helped him navigate that. He is safe where he is, and I don’t want to add any pressure or questions to him, but I have been told other people are telling him untruths about me.

how do I go forward ? Who am I without him?

how do my boys find their relationship with him again?

ive had some help with a professional, but it hasn’t helped..

I don’t know what to do..

12 Replies 12

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ckb Thankyou for your post,

Im so sorry to hear about what happened I cant imagine how you must be feeling
It may take some time to make peace with what happened time heals many wounds
Please trust me that things will get easier day by day

Also Please remember to take care of yourself your body needs nutrients and care. Im glad your GP Is monitoring your health
I hope your results are positive

I think when you feel ready to talk you may benefit from having a conversation with him and asking some questions that will give you some clarity
He may be struggling with his mental health which could be a factor

With time you can move forward and you will discover who you are without him
and also with time your boys will find a relationship with him

Professional help also takes time and consistency to help

If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat too. Please remember to reach out whenever you need to.

Thank you.. unfortunately he won’t talk to me or return messages..

I feel very isolated and alone with my pain. I just don’t know what to do with this pain…

He may not respond now but give it time
You share children together so he will have to communicate with you eventually when he's ready

Im so sorry you feel isolated it Is a big change going from living with someone for a long time to being alone all the time
But please remember you are not alone
Do you have family and friends who are close by? Reach out to them

The pain will ease day by day just take it one day at a time
Just remember you are very loved and appreciated

Please talk to someone if you need

Community Member

Oh wow, ckb, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

I understand the overwhelming pain- married 17 years and husband recently told me he doesn't love me or want me. Wants a divorce. I was thinking about that pain just now, and I want to compare it to a physical wound- let's say a muscle grabbing in your back. If you turn a particular way, it'll hurt. Sometimes the pain gets you all of a sudden without warning. Next thing you know you are curled up and crying. The tears come from a deep place of sorrow, almost like your whole body is grieving. I am not an expert on this, rather a travelling companion with you. I don't have any answers except perhaps to deal with the pain much the same as you would a physical wound. If your back hurts when you do 'this', then don't do 'this'. If talking about this with him causes overwhelming pain, take a break. I imagine it is all consuming in your mind as well- let's compare that to a constant headache. We take pain relief for a headache- don't take pain relief for this, but do an activity that will momentarily give you a reprieve from it. Perhaps it's denial, I don't know. But you do need to look after the pain in a healthy way. I imagine also that after 37 years, your whole identity is you and him. Right now for the first time, you are needing to step out as 'you', and only you. That is scary as hell. And unfair for you. You are not going to win that battle in a day- but do take some steps that are going to begin to forge a path where you come through this as an individual. Anyway, in this with you, thinking of you, and please take care of yourself.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Ckb,

I’m so sorry that you are having to navigate this betrayal, you deserve so much more from a husband of 37 years. You are understandably asking a lot of questions about what your future looks like as everything now must feel so uncertain and you want some clarity. Regarding the questions about the future, where you will live etc, I would suggest that you park those for the time being. For now you just need to focus on getting through each day and surviving. All of these questions will require answers at some point but it doesn’t all need to be sorted out this very instant. If you like, you can create a list as these questions come to you and can always revisit them when you have more of an idea about things. As I said, right now I would simply focus on your own self-care and getting through each day. If your husband is so concerned about how you are speaking about him, perhaps he should have behaved a bit better. He can’t expect to treat you this way and control the narrative, the truth is the truth.

Community Member

Thank you for your kind words..

as it unfolds his friend he is staying with has been fuelling him with toxic thoughts.

telling him his kids should be adults..our son called him yesterday and he told him to grow up.. also told him that I was accusing him of affairs .. such untruths and so cruel…

I was told today by his friend to leave him alone… I’m getting angry .. he is telling such untruths… and getting fuelled by his friend to stay away …

Community Member
This pain is so deep .. he keeps telling lies and blaming me .. I feel silenced

Hi Ckb,

We are sorry to hear that you have been going through so much lately, we can hear just how hard things have been for you. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.