Depression over an ended relationship

[Burco]

It's hard to put all the detail I want to, but I'll try

 I’m 28yo and for one reason or another I’ve never been in a relationship, I guess I’ve always lacked the confidence to go out and been overly nice so I didn't scare them away.  I hadn't been happy for a long time then in December I met someone.

I struck up I guess a relationship with a girl just before christmas, I was so happy I finally had someone to share my life and what I was doing and where I wanted to go with someone.  She was doing some travelling and heading back to the UK (I lived there for 5 years and was thinking of going back before I met her).. everything sort of just lined up and I thought maybe it was fate.. finally life was looking better.  Then it all came tumbling down and I’m devastated, its been over a month now since I heard from her and I’m still bursting into tears when I think of her.  The last I heard she was talking to a mutual friend not knowing what to do and if she was going to go back home or not.

 She told me it wasn’t going to work out because she was in love with someone back home in the UK who had 3 kids and she never wanted to be a mum/stepmum.. I guess I was just shocked. She had told me she broke up with a boyfriend a month before she came over.. I said look I like you as a person enough to not want to lose you completely and perhaps naively said I want to be friends. Things got a bit emotional after that, I told her she was the closest thing to a girlfriend I’ve ever had.. she told me to stop being so nice and to grow a backbone.. I told her she was an alcoholic and needed to get some help.. that didn’t go down well.

All I can think about is this broken girl, who’s father died when she was 14, best friend committed suicide when she was 22 and has so many personal demons that could be so much more if she only sought out the help and support from her friends/family/loved ones.  I know I can’t help everyone and she needs to help herself first.. but through circumstance she came to Australia to sort herself out and met me, the most nice/giving/honest/genuine guy I could be who would have given her the world and a fresh start and I’ve just made myself look like a desperate creep who she doesn’t want to talk to and possibly ruined her trip. I feel a bit like I’ve just failed her.

I opened myself up more to anyone than I ever have, and I still wasn’t good enough for her as there was someone better.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Burco,

The unfortunate part about offering ourselves to someone is that it might cause pain later on. Still, the rewards can be great and I think that is why we tend to do it over and over again.

You have mentioned a number of underlying issues with the relationship, not the least of which has been a lack of honesty and a third party being emotionally involved.

Many people post on here lamenting the loss of a relationship but no matter what happened before the break up, two things are true. One is that it is done, and it cannot be undone. Two is that no one can force anyone to be with them.

We all grieve to varying degrees when we suffer a loss, and you will too. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that time does dull that pain and that life will move forward for you.

I am happy to chat in more detail with you if you wish.

Kind regards, John.

[Burco]

Hi John

Thanks for your post.. 

I actually wrote something up but at 3500 words was well over the character limit for a post. 

I guess I feel she came over here to Australia to escape from her situation in the UK and tried to make it work with me and didn't want to break my heart.   If she had told me in a better situation I would have been understanding and more calm but how it happened I feel like she tried to sabotage and disrespected me instead of approaching it rationally and explaining how she felt. The last time I saw her she was in tears and it broke my heart. I just wanted her to be happy. 

Thereafter I made things worse,  I kept trying to reach out to her and got nothing back.   Looking back at what I've written to her I can't help that I've made things worse,  made myself look like a creep,  and if she ever saw me again she would just turn around and run away from me. 

Thinking about it now is making me feel physically sick. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again, Burco,

It's okay. Don't worry. Many people are treated poorly when relationships end and I have sometimes suspected the motives of the one leaving were not what they claimed. You will never know how sincere (or otherwise) she was being.

It is done, you have learned from it. I am sure if faced with the same situation again you would use that experience to behave differently.

You can move forward knowing that your hard earned experience is a valuable lesson.

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Burco, what has happened  to you is unfortunate, but what can also go on when we meet a person that we are fond of, can also mean that it's not reciprocal, although they may well and truly like you, but don't want to form a relationship, and boy, how many times has that happened with me since my divorce, so now I don't even bother, but I would be older than you as I'm 60.

When however it's your first inclination of falling in love with someone, you would do anything to please that person, but everyone has their own private secrets, which they don't want to divulge until the two of you get to know each other.

When you write how you actually feel about her telling her maybe in an indirect way that you love her and she is non responsive, then this is an important lesson on how to handle your next relationship, because everyone is completely different, or don't forget it maybe the other way around, as this does happen, but not with me, hopefully for you it will. Geoff.