Depression/anxiety cycle of my ex boyfriend

Lozzzz · ‎09-03-2018

We were together for close to 2 years, only recently just broke up in the last week. During the time we were together he would go through these 6 month cycles of change in behaviour, his moods would be up and down, his way of escaping would be to not come home at all or just not talk about anything at all. We broke up three times on three different occasions that these “episodes” would occur over the two years, each being around the six month stage. He was the one that would end it every time, it’s like he couldn’t deal anymore and there was too much pressure on him or he wasn’t sure what he wanted but he “still loved me”. Then a few weeks later he’d be messaging and trying to “take things slow” because it’s like he knew how good I am for him. I’d take him back and think we would be okay again, something in me just can’t give up on him because I know he was going through something and after all I love him. It was only the other day he admitted he was the way he was because of severe depression and anxiety and that was the day we broke up, I haven’t heard from him since but I still told him I would be there for him. His excuse was that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was and I need to move on and be happy. But it’s not that simple when you love that person. I’m starting to understand these cycles a bit more since the break up and thought maybe I did put too much pressure on him because I was unaware of what he was going through. I still want to help him but the balls really in his court now to make that contact. I still worry about him and the way he is feeling.

Croix · ‎09-03-2018

Dear Lozzzz~

Welcome here to the Forum. I think if you get the chance to look around you will see your situation is - unhappily - one that pops up quite frequently here.

It is a horrible situation and I'm sure at first you might have been looking to yourself and wondering if there was anything you had done to make all this happen. Now you are finding it is his illness and not you. That's good in a way because by seeing things as they are at least the self-doubt has been shelved.

As someone with bouts of depression I can relate to a lot of this, wanting to simply be away from everyone and everything, not feeling love, being disconnected. Under such circumstances I pushed people away too. My reasons to them would have been similar, and said out of genuine concern they would not be stuck with someone like me.

Now you do not say if your ex-bf is under any form of treatment. I''m pretty certain this would be essential (it was for me). While you may not be actually talking to him at the moment I'd imagine you are hoping to get back together. I'd think the one big thing you can do is to encourage him to seek treatment, or if he is undergoing it already to get him to have his regime altered. It obviously is not working properly.

Apart from yourself is there anyone else in his life that he might listen to to persuade him to see to medical support?

Someone with depression does need personal support too, and for the supporter that is not always easy, it can be very upsetting and also one can feel quite lost as to what to do. Simply being there and the person knowing you are with them means a lot.

It is a difficult time for you . Do you have family or friends to lend you support?

Croix

Lozzzz · ‎09-03-2018

Yes I did always take it personally, which made it harder I think. But as I said his behaviour became distant a month earlier and I thought maybe the anniversary of his mates death triggered it but it’s still un known. He would hardly be home or message like he normally would and if he was home he would play his xbox and it was like I didn’t exist, so arguments would start and it would be the same issue. He is a very independent person too and liked his space but felt it difficult communicating that with me as he didn’t want to upset me so instead he did his own thing and stayed at a mates house etc until I couldn’t handle it and decided to move out as it came to the point where he wouldn’t even talk to me. The day I moved he agreed we needed “space” and said he loved me. We had a little bit of contact after that and he’d still message a little then he wouldn’t at all so it was hard being away from him. I had tough issues going on too and wanted him to be there but it’s like he couldn’t and would just say “I have my own shit to deal with on my own”. It confused me as he’d always talk so positive about me to his family and say I’m everything he wants out of a girl and he sees me as the one he’d have a future with but “if she were to move on I’d be happy for her”. He became so heartless and blunt even though he said all these lovely things, whether it was his way of pushing me away ?

his mum has been there for me too and suggested he does seek help but being a male with a stubborn attitude I doubt he will even consider it. Lately he’s been coming home and staying home playing his game, guess it’s his way of zoning out but She can also feel when this cycle comes on in him and tries helping me through it all and how to not put pressure on him when he’s feeling this way. Our relationship ended quite suddenly as we were both emotional.

PamelaR · ‎09-03-2018

Hi Lozzzz

What a difficult time you're having. So sorry to hear it. I can imagine why you'd take it personally. I certainly would have. It's not a good space for you. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If you really love your bf and want to make a go of the relationship, my thoughts are - you have to do some serious talking with him about his current mental health. Tell him you'd support him and help him, e.g. - convince him to visit a gp, psychologist, help develop a mental health plan. Go with him, if he's willing. I suspect not. It's so hard, I know. I've been there in my relationship with my partner of 36 years. About 20 years ago I said - you have to do something otherwise I'm walking out the door. It took 12 months of threatening, coercing and pushing - he finally saw someone. It was the best thing ever. And I'm so pleased I stayed to help him. Because he has helped me now.

Okay, I'm going out on a limb here, but I think applying 'some pressure' is okay. That's what I did. Relationships are a two way street. Both have to work at it to make them work.

Is he seeing a GP? Is he seeing a psych or on medication??

Hope this has helped in some way Lozzzz.

Croix · ‎10-03-2018

Dear Lozzzz~

I'm pleased you are talking to his mum and get on with her. Having someone else that understands the situation can make things a little more manageable.

Actually when you said he praises you to his family but would understand if you left I felt this was familiar, it was what I was trying to explain before. Depression does make for an inconsistent set of actions confusing to the outsider.

I think there is no doubt that your BF needs medical help and until this happens things are not gong to be right. You did mention a death in his past, perhaps that is tied up with all this too. it will take a professional to untangle it all.

The only real question is how to persuade him to get the help he needs. PamelaR may be right in saying some pressure can work, I guess you are the best person to judge that.

Apart from the difficulties you are having with this I think you said you had other problems you had to deal with - are you getting adequate support there?

I just noticed PamelaR saying she was glad she persevered and helped her partner because he is now helping her. I'm exactly the same. My partner stuck with me and was a tremendous ongoing help, a life that was very far from easy for her. As I improved I knew I owed her a very great debt. Towards the end of her life I was able to see to and care for her. It was an opportunity I'll always be grateful for.

Croix