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Depressed wife, 2 young kids, controlling Mother in law, conflict relationships
We are in a difficult situation.. 2 kids under 5, mum who has struggled building friends at play group, kindergarten and has a conflicting relationship with her mum. Also, angry that she does not have a life, the kids suck all her energy.
Now, me, the husband gets dragged down by her anger. My ageing parents get dragged into conversations about unsupportiveness.
My wife is depressed angry, does not do things for herself. . I work 12 hours out of the house then get home to get kids in bed we don't have a life.
Not wife gets angry and reacts to people after the situation, not when it happens and puts it on me that I did not say anything. She's in a bad situation and I'm struggling with her anger lack of energy. I'm not perfect, I love the kids and revert to screaming at them when they don't consider us and listen
I've tried to be supportive.. We simply don't have support, time for ourselves and now we fight about the same topics..
We need professional help and somewhere to put the kids during those sessions it's all complex and draining
welcome to beyond blue.
It does sound like a very frustrating situation. Kids at that age can be a handful. And for yourself you are working long hours and get home to a stressful situation?
You are also quite perceptive about your situation as well. The answer to this question might seem obvious but if you were asleep and all the issues had been placed into a box on your bedside table. When you woke the next morning the box was no longer there, and all the issues had disappeared. What would the day look like? How would things be different?
My wife and I had been in a similar situation many years ago, not having time to ourselves. Perhaps I/we were trying to find a way back to the days before we had kids and time for each other. It can work out ...
Listening to you,
Welcome to bb.
Sounds like things are really difficult for you at home at present and I'm really sorry you are struggling. I want you to know that you are not alone.
Those pre-school years are tough on everyone and on many relationships. I remember my husband and I having a similar experience. Somehow we muddled through and as the kids grew up and went to school life got easier for both of us. It gets better.
I agree that couples counselling would help but I also think your wife needs some individual help with her depression. Do you think your wife would be open to seeking help from your GP? I know you are busy working, but if she will go it might help for you to go with her for support. How would feel about that?
No pressure to answer here unless you want to talk some more.
Kind thoughts to you
Thank you for your feedback.
My wife has seen counselling starts well then gives up or it gets too hard on her, as she has to take it all in, it becomes a once a month visit and I believe she needs more than that. We fight about the lack of support from the families and who is to blame.
Why do people hang onto the same argument and bring it up into the next... It's unresolved, yes, but strategies need to be thought thru, not emotional reactions.
My life on weekend is not living.. I'd rather be at work.
Obviously, I'm a bad husband who provides but can't deal with her emotional problems. I know I need to deal with my family who says and do some inappropriate things.
My wife feels mummy shamed, inadequate and cannot deal with anything at the moment...
I try and tell her this is affecting me too... She acknowledges but then reverts back to her..
This is a real toxic situation and I need to find couple counselling with kids minding.. Impossible
My box may be empty on the morning. My wife would not. Women generally hang onto stuff forever..
She wants things done to her satisfaction. It's like we need it all in writing before we can consider cases closed.
I don't think you are a bad husband at all. You are trying your best and that's all any of us can do. I applaud your efforts to try and find solutions to your problems.
Please don't be hard on yourself. Somebody has to earn a living and right now that is you. Naturally you are tired and drained when you get home and no doubt seeking some peace, which you are not getting.
Your wife is likely not appreciating this at present because she is unwell. So all she can see is what she needs from you, more emotional support.
It's a really difficult situation because both of you are suffering and you both have legitimate but competing needs.
The fighting about broader family issues really doesn't help. Perhaps you can agree to disagree? Or can you try putting boundaries on when you will discuss these matters?
For example, maybe you could make Sunday "family day" and agree not to raise the difficult matters on that day. At least you would both get some clear air and maybe enjoy each other's company and the kids for a change.
You can also try speaking with your family members who are less than helpful. Just remember, you are not responsible for them at the end of the day.
I think one of the keys to this is really helping your wife back to good mental health. I would be encouraging her to keep trying with the counsellor. Be patient and kind. This is hard for her. You can also go see your GP and ask for help developing strategies to better support your wife.
Do you have a neighbour or friend that could babysit so you can go to counselling?
Kind thoughts to you
Summer Rose has some very good suggestions in the above reply - worth considering.
Some services can do sessions over skype. I am not sure how well that would work for you. But it is a possibility.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best job that you can at the moment. You are only human. (This would also apply to your wife.)
You have identified things in the above posts that need (?) to be resolved. What has been stopping this from occuring?
An idea is for you and your wife to go out for coffee to talk things through.You might not get through all issues but it would be a start. I can see from your posts you are very concerned about the relationship. Hopefully you would be able to talk it through without becoming an argument. And perhaps rather than reacting to statements the other makes, just listen to what the other person is saying. Personal experiences have shown me it is not good to react emotionally.
You might also want to look at the web pages on beyond blue about the supporting others ..
Finally, on mummy shaming ... being a mum is hard enough without others commenting on how well or bad you are doing. I guess you remind her she is a good mother or doing the best she can?