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Depressed partner and relationship blues
Hi everyone, I was hoping for some objective opinions on my situation.
I've been with my partner for a year and a half, and we've been through quite a lot together. I met her not long after her previous relationship of 7 yrs fell apart. I helped her through it, sort her finances, provided support and tried to be understanding of the situation. She's helped me with bullying issues at work and I've helped her deal with her depression, seeing her children, a thyroid issue, a severe leg injury, bariatric surgery, employment issues and the list goes on.
We've always had a good connection and had fun together, but it all seems to be changing. She started to withdraw and become distant a few months ago. Our sex life dried up, and she became less affectionate and attentive in general. I had a feeling her depression was getting worse again, and tried to be understanding and be there for her. She acknowledged openly a few months ago she felt like her depression was no longer being managed by her medication (she had a marina put in, and the extra hormones seem to have caused a lot of issues). But this was after months of her talking to other people and not me, and pretending nothing was wrong. It wasn't until we had a serious argument that she acknowledged there was a problem.
Since then it feels like she is constantly picking fights with me. She's told me she doesn't feel like we have a deep connection, and that I am a closed off person. She doesn't understand how much this hurt me, no matter how much we talk about it. I've told her this isn't how I feel, but she can't explain why she feels I am closed off other than saying she thinks I have walls up.
She's said she wants me to lean on her more and i've said honestly that I don't want to burden her with my issues if she already isn't coping.
She says she doesn't want to lose me, and then says it would be better if she just left as this has all happened before.
We've talked and agreed on a way forward. I've been working on discussing things with her more often, leaning on her a bit more, and trying to help her understand how i'm feeling. She doesn't seem to trust I am making an effort, and keeps accusing me of being emotionally closed off. The only time she seems to get it is when I have a breakdown.
We've now had 4 serious arguments in the space of 2 weeks and I honestly don't know what to do. We don't seem to be able to communicate or understand each other anymore.
Is there something I don't understand?
welcome to beyond blue.
I m sorry you are facing issues with your partner, and it also positive that you are both trying to find a way forward. There are two ways that you could be "closed off" and note that I am not saying that you are, and they are (1) she my think that you are not truly listening to her or (2) she wants you to be more open. On this last point, it is hard is you are not used to being open to start doing so.
one thing that I can tell you is that a thyroid condition can affect (lower) a persons sex drive. You said that your sex life had dried up. There are ways around that and communication will help.There are other side effect, but Google is your friend here. (My wife also has a thryoid condition.)
While you said...
but she can't explain why she feels I am closed off
and that you have worked out a way forward, perhaps in that next conversation you could ask her what she wants you to do that you are not already doing, but do this in sch as a way that does not devolve into an argument.
Just on the arguments you mentioned, is there a way you could step back before it reaches that stage?
I know that it is a tough situation to be in, but hang in there. You are not alone.
Peace and comforting thoughts,