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Depressed. Love her and left her.

Community Member

This is what my partner did. After a period of withdrawing from me he told me loves me more than anything or anyone.. but that he can't commit to a relationship and can't be with me. A few weeks later he said he said he regretted breaking up with me... and that he still loves me... but doesn't want his depression to hurt me. It's almost beautiful in a way... after some time talking again he again withdrew and this new years told me he wants me to let go. I can't. I love him. I will always love him. I will never abandon him.

I don't understand why he left if he loves me so?

Why push away the one person who loves you the most... the one person who cares and can really support you?

10 Replies 10

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi DP, welcome

There seems only one if two reasons he acts like this...he is indecisive and uncommitted due to his illness or he like many ...can't commit.

The problem for you as I see it, is deciding for yourself which it is. See, its OK for him to make his decisions based on this or that, break off then tell you he loves you but can't be with you....etc...what about you? Has he asked you many questions about what YOU want.?

Ever felt vibes that there is more to this than meets the eye. As they day.?

Its all for you to conclude but I suggest that when someone says he loves you....it has to be more than words.

Tony WK

I am telling the whole story... for privacy reasons... but suffice to say, he's not the kind of guy to run out... and we were committed and starting family.

*not telling the whole story (typo)


This is exactly why i didlike forums. So much judgment when all i need is help. He's a first time diagnosis and we didn't know before he left. He only found out after... we ere starting a family. We were buolding something... and then after being in therapy something came out... i guess that triggered it all? ....and he faded away... and yet we live each other. I cannot understand this. I fully understand depression as an illness, but when you're on the receiving end- like me, now.... i am at a loss.

This is the love of my life. I want only good things for him. I want him to be well.

I just don't understand how he could leave when we love each other, when we wete building something beautiful.

I don't get that...

Community Member

Hey Diana Prince, or should I say Wonder Woman? 🙂

Oh man, trying to understand a depressed persons brain if you haven't experienced depression yourself is tough as all get out. Not a whole lot of rational thoughts going on in there. Everything gets clouded by the black dog. It's pretty common for a person with depression to want to push everyone away, in case they somehow infect them with their brain. It seems to us like the ultimate way to actually show someone you love them, by not wanting to hurt them and drag them into your quagmire. Is he still in therapy? Some counsellors will allow you to have a joint session so they can help you understand what's going on and mediate it if need be. It's worth asking him if he's willing to do that, for your peace of mind.

You can still love him, you can still support him and be there for him - but I think you might need to accept that for right now, that cannot be in the capacity of a wife or romantic partner. Time and professional help might get him on a path to a recovery that allows you to be together again, even start a family, but it can't be rushed or forced. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, and I know you must be in agony over the whole situation. If you need to vent some of that pain, I'm here to listen.

I'm sorry about your situation. I don't think anyone is judging you. If you're unable to tell the whole story then unfortunately you're at risk of receiving generalised statements. I understand that you're looking for answers and everything is really fresh. As an observer I'd advise you to give it all some space. As hard as it sounds try and remove yourself from the immediate situation and take a moment to breathe. If at all possible get out of the house, catch up with friends, talk with family. Talking here and venting is good, but after all it is the internet and you are going to get a variety of support and suggestions and of pours elf you're worried about privacy then you can only expect so much.

Unfortunately you're unable to influence his decision making. Depression or not he's said his piece and you need to look after you. He appears to be capable of looking out for his needs and unfortunately you're going to have to do the same. Perhaps given treatment and time things might turn around. But if they don't it's good if you're prepared to move on as well. After all - you've got to think of yourself and you're future. Just be careful. This is a red flag and you need to heed this warning if you're considering a future with this man.

Hi again DP

You said in your opening post

"I don't understand why he left if he loves me so?Why push away the one person who loves you the most... the one person who cares and can really support you?"

These are questions for us to try to answer. It does not mean we/I judge anyone.

You are worried about privacy yet we are anonymous ?

I hope you find the answers to your situation. Good luck, it can't be easy for you.

Tony WK

Community Member
I just did what your partner has done to someone I love whole heartedly. As upsetting and regretful it is to push someone you love deeply away, I guess in the long run you see them better off without a damaged soul weighing them down. Lucky for yours, you will still be around for when they're healthier. Whereas others can only take so much and will walk away.

hello Diana, I can't say much more than what the others have said, however if you haven't had to suffer from any type of depression then we aren't able to explain why he wants to leave you that would suffice, sure we can say why or how to you, but we need to know that you understand what we are saying, in other words we could tell you that a tennis ball is red but if you think that it's green then the conversation is not worth pursuing.
It's quite typical that when someone does become depressed in a relationship, even though they love you, they will want to leave and be by themselves, this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he will still need you to be there in the background as a security blanket, because every now and then he will contact you when he feels desperate and someone to talk to.
You have to think about how he is feeling, because depression is such a strong illness it wipes out any enjoyment or incentive, because he's stuck in a deep black hole. Geoff.x