Depressed boyfriend has started lying

[wendy_smith]

Hi all, my boyfriend &I have been together for over 2.5 years. We have broken up twice in that time due to his depression & warped logic of thinking he needed to dramatically change his life to then change himself. When we broke up the 2nd time & before we got back together again, he slept with a girl I had been cautious about for 6 or so months so as to try & prevent me from getting back with him because he didn't want me to experience his depression/be the victim of it. I forgave him & we resumed our relationship slowly. Since then, we have improved a lot & are more understanding of one another. However, about a month ago he decided to stop taking antidepressants & seeing his psychologist as he had the mentality that if he actually achieved anything good, it wouldn't be due to him but rather medication or someone else telling him. I disagreed with this. He confessed to me too that he had been abusing marijuana for a few months & so we agreed that if he were to do it again, he'd tell me. 4 days ago, I found out he had bought a small amount but when I confronted him about it, he lied. I asked him to prove it to me & so he let me go through his facebook account. He forgot there was messages there about him buying some and so confessed. I told him that lying will destroy our relationship. He agreed & said he would try not to. However, last night he had experimented with another drug (not a life threatening or highly addictive one though) & did not tell me. This was not marijuana, but I still felt like he had lied to me because he hadn't told me & had said he was going to bed. The only reason I knew he did it was because I went onto his Facebook account to see if he had been telling me the truth over the past few days & found messages saying he had taken it. I called him to have a random conversation &then, when he seemed a bit "off", I asked him what was wrong. He claimed nothing & I asked if he was sure & then asked if he had done any drugs. He said no& then I kept on going back to it in our conversation &he repeatedly denied it. He only confessed when I told him that I had asked his friend & his friend had said yes (this was a lie on my part).He claims he lies about these things because he doesn't want to be told off & he doesn't think of how it will hurt me, only of his impulsive nature to have fun. He is an impulsive person (as you can probably tell) but I don't know what to do re-build trust & get him to tell the truth. Please help!

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Wendy

welcome to the forum. I'm sorry your having a hard time with your boyfriend. How old are you guys?

can I just get this right in my mind - your BF slept with another woman so you wouldn't want to be with him any more/get back with him?

from what you're saying it sounds like your BF may not feel comfortable doing what he wants to do for fear of getting into trouble with you. If it's drugs and you're not cool with that then that's obviously why he doesn't want to say anything. But I'm assuming he knows you don't like it but he does it anyway.

So what your dealing with is a bit of an issue - he's doing stuff you're not cool with, he's "trying not to lie" and he's either self- medicating to treat his depression OR just doing it to escape reality. It doesn't sound anything unusual for a twenty something year old but if he's hitting late thirties it's a little immature.

anyway, I digress. Question is, do you need this type of behavior in your life?

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hi wendy.smith!

First of all, I would like to say that your boyfriend is really lucky to have such a caring and concerned partner about his wellbeing. I admire the dedication towards your relationship, and your forgiving personality. Have you tried discussing with your boyfriend about the emotions you are feeling because of his behaviour? Keep encouraging him to go back to go back to his psychologist, not just for his sake but for yours as well. Try offering to go with him during his sessions/appointments so he feels he is not alone with his issues-- this may also result in helping with the trust in your relationship. As well as your lovely compassion towards others, remember to look after yourself too!
I hope for the best for the future of your relationship, stay strong 🙂