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Depressed and Fallen out of love
My boyfriend of 5 years just woke up one morning a week ago and told me he was incredibly unhappy with his life. I immediately put it down to his job and how stressful our last few years have been financially. I believe it all began from when he got fired. But then he started a new career which has so far given nothing for all his effort. I knew he was unhappy i could see and feel it but he's always been the most romantic, caring loving person. People would always be saying how envious of our relationship they were because of the way we looked at each other so you could imagine how much it would hurt when that beloved other half tells you he's not in love any more. I'ts absolutely crushing me. He only just told me today that he is actually depressed and is getting help. He's initial response was to quickly get me out of his life so he wouldn't drag me through it. These are just a few things he's said to me:
- I'm not happy with my life - I don't want to be with anyone right now - I don't love you anymore - I feel nothing - I have to let you go - I'm worried ill be happier without you - I cannot love you right now - the spark has gone - I wan't to be alone
He also explains to me that he genuinely feels no happiness right now towards anyone but the one thing that is sticking with me apart from all that is "I am afraid that once you go i'll be happier without you" to me that hurt the most. I know him and i know his instinct is to quickly cut me from his life so he doesn't have to deal with this anymore and he explained that to me. He's continually saying i wish you did something wrong so this would be easier but you haven't.
We had the most amazing love an connection beyond belief. I never knew it existed until i met him. My question is do i have hope? Is it very likely that his loss of love comes down the severity of his depression? I have moved out to give him space and he will continue to get help but i cannot help but worry with fear that he will just turn around and say. I'm sorry but you are why i am depressed and i need you to go to be happy. I know there are other factors to this but our relationship is obviously going to be most affected because he has no feeling right now. I feel somewhat of a relief that his Physiologist has diagnosed him with depression because then i don't feel so afraid that his simply fallen out of love with me and that there is underlining issues to be causing his depression. Can someone shed some light for me. This hurts!
Hello Louise, what a shock to have the rug pulled from under you like this. I can understand how the statements you've written above about your boyfriend's feelings must be bouncing around inside your head right now, and crushing you.
Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this one at this stage. Depression can cause us to push loved ones away and isolate ourselves, but I don't believe it is helpful or healthy to plan your life around trying to second-guess this or mind-read. It sounds as if you are clinging to the depression as an excuse for what you have been told by your boyfriend about his feelings, because if it's "just the depression" then that means there's a chance that the things he has said are not actually true. It's totally understandable you are thinking like this, when someone we love deeply says they want to break it off we'll do anything in the early stages to try and deny that reality.
I think you've done the best thing at this stage. You're giving him space, and ultimately that will answer the question of if he is, indeed, happier without you.
The most important thing now is to look after you and manage your own feelings. Openly communicate. Decide together what is going to happen next. Is this a clean break? Or is it time apart so he can sort out his feelings? If so, when and how will you check in with each other? You can't be left dangling through all this.
I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read, but I believe it's always best to be honest. I would advise getting some counselling for yourself as well at this point.
Welcome to Beyond Blue and for coming here with your post.
I’m very pleased to see that Jess has written to you and her response is worth reading twice. It’s very well put and I back up what she’s said.
In particular I’d like to double mention the parts where she said about it not being healthy for you to planning your life around trying to second guess or mind read what your boyfriend is doing. I must say though that it is a very good sign on his behalf that he has sought out counselling and he is addressing this – that’s a big positive for him.
But like Jess, I believe this now is about you (he’s made or his making his decisions) and based on that, you need to do all you can to make sure that you’re “ok”.
I’m not sure what your own friend network is like, whether you’ve got a good close friend who you can confide in, a shoulder to lean on, so to speak. Sometimes even a close sibling can be an excellent support mechanism as well.
What you’ve done by coming here and posting is really excellent. You have time to put your thoughts together and are able to vent, unload, question, ask why, etc whenever you want here. And as you’ve already found, there’ll be people who will respond back to you, letting you know that we are here for you, will try to offer ‘helpful’ advice when possible, but above all else, we’ll be here to support you. I know it’s not the same as having someone next to you, but I think it’s a pretty good 2nd option.
I think also for your own sake that it’s not overly beneficial to you for him to be listing all the things that he’s said to you – so I think if you’re communicating, it might be good to suggest to him ‘not’ to be saying those kinds of things to you. After all, you had a very good and close relationship, but he’s the one who’s woken up with these feelings, not you. It’s up to him to get this sorted out – and as Jess also mentioned, that there needs to be some clarity with where things are at the moment. The last thing you want is to be left floating along wondering where things are.
As I’ve mentioned, I do hope you can post back again, if you feel you’d like too.
Reading your post, this sounds almost identical to my situation. My partner decided 1 1/2 weeks ago that he wants to break up - says he doesn't love me anymore, isn't attracted to me anymore, he's numb, the spark has gone etc. etc. He's going to be seeing a psychologist soon once he has received a GP referral today, but for the meantime I am left in this state of shock. We had such a great relationship - all of our friends say they look at our relationship as the perfect one. We have so much in common and are absolute best friends, but he's saying that's all I am to him lately - a best friend that he feels guilty for not loving more.
How is everything going for you?