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depressed and confused
I posted a few weeks ago here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/grief-loss-and-separation/what-is-mo...
Just needed to talk to someone again.
I am feeling so lost. I have decided to move interstate to be close to my support as my marriage has ended. My husband has shown abusive behaviours, mostly toward the children. Leaving was a hard decision to make and I'm still feeling unsure about it because I have to uproot my children. Tonight when I tucked my daughter in she was very upset about leaving her friends and her life behind. I feel like this is not fair on her. but staying here doesn't feel like an option for me (no support). I am feeling so lost and so down, I know I have to look after myself so I can be a better single parent. But it's so hard. I feel like my heart is broken all over again hurting my children like this. And everything is getting so real, putting plans in motion, announcing things to extended family... I realise now I am still very attached to my husband and I don't really know how to stop loving him, even though I feel our children and I deserve better treatment. I don't know how I will deal with the finality of our seperation when I have moved away. Everything is such a mess, I never wanted this for my children. I feel like I want to be a good mother to them but either way I turn I hurt them and myself. There's no good choices. I feel like I have a tonne of concrete in my chest and every waking moment is agony. Dramatic I know, but it does physically hurt.
I can understand you must be feeling very hurt right now. To me it sounds like you have made the right decision to leave, it's not good enough for you and your children to be abused. So this is the start of a new journey for you, free from abuse, free from the negative example your husband is setting for your children.
I guess it will feel messy or edgy for a while, you are breaking new ground. Perhaps there are no easy choices but you can foster belief that you have made the right choice, power to you. As children we all had to learn our own lessons, I think if you can be calm and loving with them, explain that yes it is sad that we will miss our friends but, where we are going we will meet new friends, perhaps your daughter can stay in touch with her old friends. Share the positives of your new location and supporters.
I am sure you didn't want things to turn out this way but what is important is that you are making moves to make things better. It helped me through a divorce to minimize unnecessary emotion, stay focused on what needs to be done and setting an example for the kids, listen to their concerns and calmly try to work through them. For yourself, look down the track a little, you will start a new life free of anger and abuse, imagine it is done. Talk any time. Love to you all.
Hi there Nettle,
Thank you so much for coming back and providing this post.
I can’t imagine how hard things are for you right at this moment, and having not been in this situation, I can only assume that right about now, must be one of the toughest times that you’ll have to face. Because once you’ve moved and you’ve been able to settle in, and have your support networks in place again, and get some routines happening again, I really really hope that things will settle down for you – and also for your children.
One thing I’d like for you to think on though is “if you decided to stay, how would things be for not only you, but also your children?” You mentioned that your husband has been showing signs of abusive behaviour, mostly towards your children – so I get the gist that you’ve been targeted here also. And kind of behaviour like this is not on and as such, you should feel bloody proud of what you’re doing and what you’ve been able to do so far.
While I can see the part where you said, you are still attached to your husband – well that does make sense, because you got together and married, after all – but if things shift towards violence of any kind, then my view is that the person who does this forfeits his (or her) right to be with the family.
How long will it be till you actually move?
For the most part, have your children been “ok” with the decision to move or has it been that they’ve been upset the whole time? Where you’re moving too, are there networks there where your children will be able to slot into and hopefully make new friends?
Would love to hear back from you.
When I was young, my mum uprooted my self and my two siblings from the country to the city (to get closer to her support network). We had an abusive step dad and it all got to a boiling point one afternoon. The first year and a half for me was absolute hell in the new city. My brother and sister seemed to fair easier than me. I was teased, bullied. All because I was a country kid in a big city.
After a couple of years I started to form some great friendships and felt like this once foreign place was home. Those friends have remained now, 15 years later. Im glad to say we are still absolutely best of friends.
I cant imagine how hard it was for my mum to pack up and move back to the city with her three kids. Originally sleeping on her sisters couches before she rented a house and worked hard to pay rent and keep us going. Her second marriage broken.
Now, as an adult I am so grateful for what my mum did.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING
And if intime you can reconcile with your ex and your kids are okay with it. Then thats fine too. Just focus on you and them for next couple of years and it will be okay. Your kids will love you in the long term for it.
dear Nettle, I thought that I would like to reply to you, only for circumstances that you and the children are going through.
No matter how much you love somebody, such as your husband in this situation, I'm sorry but you can't stay with him, the love and care for yourself and the children far outweighs the terrible abuse that he is causing, you and the children need to be safe, and to remain safe, sure all of you can still love him, but now this is a different type of love. L Geoff. x