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Depressed and Angry
Me and my husband have 2 beautiful daughters. Everything is great until my 2nd was born last year. My husband started drinking. It's definitely alcohol abuse. He would drink in secret mixing vodka and water, in front us saying its water then get super drunk at night. When I confronted him, he started yelling, throwing stuffs and calling me ugly names. He asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven him a few times but like a cycle it keeps happening. This happened again 2 weeks ago. Whats worse is my older daughter who is 4 years old wake up and witnessed this a few times. I am thinking of leaving him and get full custody of my kids but my older daughter keeps screaming and crying don't want him to leave. Its really hard for me because my daughter is very forgiving. Once he apologised, she is attached again to him. He keeps saying he will change and we should work it out. So once again, I stay but I have not been eating or sleeping well since it happened. I want to leave but I am stuck because of the kids. Last thing I want is making them grow up without a father but a part of me says he won't change. I am scared it will repeat itself again. I am so helpless. My family is overseas. I move here when I married him. We have been together for 18 years in total and only the last year, he started this crazy alcohol habit.
Hi Siuwen, welcome
I dont know why your 4 yo daughter would be aware of any plans for a separation until it happened. She should be protected from any such discussion.
Secondly, custody is determined with a parents ability to parent their children not how they are as a spouse.
Alcohol abuse? Abuse is from your viewpoint and it might well be true that his aggressiveness is caused by it but you need proof that it makes him an unfit father (so you can get full custody) which is an unrelated matter.
Have you located a marriage counselor? Have you discussed this matter to your doctor? Does he have other issues that cause him to drink excessively? .
I think you need to seek out all options first.
You can contact Relationships Australia to seek counseling or visit your GP.
If you do separate you need to be certain you have tried every avenue in saving your marriage and, be fair about sharing your children. There is no garrantee you will get full custody.
Remember, there is no suggestion from you that he is abusing the children: you say "custody of my kids".....your kids are also HIS kids. Respect him as a parent is my suggestion (at this stage)and have some commitment to saving your family. I hope you work things out.
I feel it is very important for you to look after yourself so you are able to keep yourself and your girls safe. It is very important you are able to maintain a good diet and plenty of sleep to be able to regain better mental wellbeing so you choose decisions that benefit yourself and your family.
Have you got any supports like a close friend you could disclose the concerns you are going through at present and a good GP you could visit to discuss how you are feeling as well as not being able to eat or sleep properly. Your GP may be able to find others supports that could help you. Beyondblue have a call line you could call to talk to gain other supports you could access, they can be contacted on 1300 22 4636 [24/7]. Here is another helpline who could help if you are troubled by the drinking of someone close to you, please call 1300 ALANON (1300 252 666). They are an organisation that has experience with this sort of thing and could have some valuable information you could access.
This is a great place to come and gain a lot of support without judgement. It is awesome you have shared with our community as i feel sharing and reading other people's stories makes us feel we do not have to go through difficult times by ourselves.
I feel you are showing a great deal of strength sharing your story with our community and being able to search for supports that you deserve to improve your family's safety and wellbeing.
Be gentle on yourself as you move towards the decisions you choose.
Welcome. As Gen said sharing here helps us feel we are not alone as others are going through difficult times.
I am wondering what happened to your husband that caused such a big change in hi behaviour. I know it happened after the birth of your second child. Do you think the responsibility of providing for two children may have affected him? Did you notice other changes beside the drinking. Some people start drinking to medicate emotional pain.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Thanks TONY WK for your advice.
I do have respect for him and I have tried to save the marriage. He went to counselling before and gave up half way saying he is cured. I have put up with this cycle for a year now. My daughter just happened to hear the arguing and he threatened to divorce me and walk out when he was blind drunk. He is not abusive towards me when he is sober but when he was drunk, he would called me all this ugly names you can think of and also throw things towards me, and try to self harm. I had to call ambulance before and he had 6 stitches on her head. I thought he is going to stop after that incident. So if that is not abuse then I dont know what it is. My daughter was shaking scared when that happened. I want to get full custody because I am worried we are going to get hurt one day, which is a very reasonable concern. I am just at a point where I dont think he can change. He refused to get help and said he doesnt have any problem. I reached out to his family before and they were trying to help but now he shut them out and refused to pick up their call.
I really appreciate your reply. I do want to leave but when I think of the girls, I backed out again. I have a close friend I can talk to but she is interstate but I do talk to her. GP refer him to a counsellor before but he gave up half way saying he is cured then same thing happened again.
I dont think he is ready for 2 kids but he always keep things inside refusing to talk to me and say everything is fine. He runs to alcohol when has problem. Thats how he deal with it. He goes out drinking heaps when wd have 1 kid only but now I told him to cut down a bit coz there is a baby at home. He still goes out to get drunk but not as often so I guess he is not happy about that?