Dealing with trust with partner after affair/s

[ShannonN]

Hi

I try and keep this short as i can.

I recent caught my partner again talking to a guy on social media with specific outcome of arranging a catchup., this is 3rd time in our 27 years life together.

So we have decided to take a break. We had more chats about why this happening all the time then we had ever

As after the 1st time, we really never deal with it and got back so quickly it was crazy, i must admit i put myself into work and other communities activities, and put her second over many years, and just spiralled from there leading into happening 2 more times, due to lack of respect and intimacy on my side, due to my stubborn ways

Thing is , after realising that putting her second and not giving the love she needed, of course she look for it in other places, i was just to dumb to realise it

We decided to only now to take a break,however try and re-connect and work on the things that been missing for so many years, so dont end such a long time together

My issues now, is how to deal with trust in her and take her word for it, thats she still not talking to other guys on social media while we a going to try reconnect in our break. I just need tips in coping with not thinking the worse scenario all the time, and try and believe what she says without being in face about it all the time, as i know that will make things worse.

should i just plan one day at time, or just even give up and move on, knowing it may happen even if she gets the love she needs from me.

[Sophie_M]

Dear ShannonN, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story and experiences with us today. Relationships can be tough and not feeling confident in our partnerships can be very stressful and can make us feel anxious. It sound slike you have taken a great step to discuss with your partner how you are feeling and make a plan to communicate how you are feeling. 

We think that a great next step would be to call Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) if you want to talk to a professional in this space and get their advice. You can also check out their website here. 

We think taking it day by day is a great place to start and to remember you can also give us a call on 1300 22 4636 if you ever feel distressed or need someone to talk to. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear ShannonN~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the forum, I'm glad you met her as she does give good advice.

Counseling may well be helpful, however it needs to be whole-hearted on both sides, and if that is the case already then the problem is part of the way to being resolved.

27 years is a long time to be together - even with those hard times, and is something you obviously want to continue, and from what you say your partner loves you and wants things to continue too. 27 years have value.

I don't think it is possible any time soon to make yourself believe what she says - it may well be true, however the distrust (very understandably) is in you and if it becomes too obvious then it will have a corrosive effect on both of you, making any recovery more difficult if not impossible.

So I guess you have to act as if you believe. Showing faith can be a real incentive to another person.

And there are two of you together in this, and have been all along. While you are quick to blame yourself for lack of attention and feeling your partner was seeking things you did not supply, in fact it was her choice.

Now you are trying to get her not to choose the same path again, and hopefully she is hoping that she does not want to either. People do learn from their past actions after all.

So inside, if you were like me, I'd try to suspend judgment and act as if I believed. Trust is not going to come back quickly, and it is your partner's job to see this and foster it.

I think you need to ask yourself why you did get back together each time. It was certainly your desire, but it must have been hers too.

Again if it was me I'd go longer than one day at a time, and see if over a reasonable period you become more comfortable with her, even though you are aware it is possible it might happen again.

These are just my thoughts, perhaps you might like to come back and talk them over

Croix

[ShannonN]

Thanks you both for your advice.

You spot on about being to obvious in the mistrust with her, unfortunately i did this yesterday as i was struggling with her use of snapchat and got anxious told i needed her help to make me believe her. which only made her mad at me.

I just need to handle those trigger points better, and not be so obvious that i mistrust her like you said, and see if she responds better.

I realise that the other person's involved was like a brand new shiny toy which was exciting and new, and i was the old not as much fun toy been but back into the old toy box. So i guess i need to be creative and become that new shiny toy that was once wanted and the that any new ones that might pop are always going to be shortterm.

i guess im need somehow to show that i can be good for the long term and other new toys will disappear .

Im slowing getting the point, just need to be less obvious with my trust issues. thanks for the advice.

ShannonN