Dealing with a narcissistic partner

[Lanz]

I am struggling with a partner who professionals have told me has narcissistic personality disorder plus antisocial personality traits, potentially extreme borderline, and in cluster B.

My partner can get into very bad moods where he blames and criticises me. He becomes rude, second guesses what I say, questions my reality, asks me to focus on my behaviour, tells me to take ownership over what I have done, accuses me of being a hypocrite, tells me I set a different standard for myself than others, tells me I am a liar and manipulator, tells me I gaslight him (he only knows about this term as I told him he was doing it to me once - which he was).

My partner tells me there is an objective reality and that reality is not mine.

Hes just asked what I am doing on my phone at 11:30pm at night and I told him I’m writing a journal. He asked further if it was about us. I said it was a private journal for me. I asked if he wanted me to leave the room and he said “yes please”. I have left to come out to the lounge. He didn’t have to face me in bed and he could have turned the other way, but he didn’t. This is in the house I own 100%. The mortgage I pay on my own 100%. He doesn’t contribute to this house.

My partner has told me I am fat. He’s told me I have a poking out tummy. He tells me I interact with men in a way that leads them on. He told me my WhatsApp photo was trampish, too alluring and sultry. He’s told me I am a narcissist before because I took a pic of me with my favourite washing fabric conditioner and put it on Facebook. He sent me articles on narcissism telling me to read them as they are about me. They were screen shots.

When my partner drinks he gets angry and sends me multiple text messages which talk about the past, talk about what he says I have done to him, naming the same things over and over again. The same stuff is raised over and over. He sends me emails where I am blind copied in to emails about my (falsely created by him) behaviour. He makes stuff up about me and sends me emails and texts like he is making a record of what was said and who did what, and how I am abusing him (when I am not). It’s all false.

I’m out here in the lounge. I am starting to spend more time focusing on me now. Going to gym. Getting massages. Getting my nails done. Working hard at my job. Seeing my friends. .

He gets angry when I don’t agree with him.

Many ideas on what I can do? I’m 43 years of age. He is 47.

Thanks!

[PamelaR]

Hi Lanz and warm welcome to our Beyond Blue forums

It's good you have found your way here to our supporting, caring, friendly and non judgemental community.

I see how you would be struggling with your partner. The qualities you expressed are quite excessive aren't they? It is never easy living with them.

You ask - any ideas on what I can do? I know what I would do and that is ask him to leave. If necessary take out a restraining order that might be necessary. Alternatively sell the house and get out.

Sorry that might sound very harsh, however, I lived with a mother and husband who both had narcissistic tendencies. I tried everything, talking, obeying, but it didn't work for me because I needed to become 'me'. That was never going to happen being in their environment. So I up and left.

Everyone will deal with things differently and I am sure there will be others here who have a different viewpoint, especially if you come from a culture where family and obeying your husband is part of the culture.

You're not alone Lanz and I'd suggest doing a search for one or more of these topics narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic on the Beyond Blue website. You can do this by going to the BB search field at the top of the page, or you can do the search using google and including the words Beyond Blue.

Feel free browse and to join any of the discussions you relate to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[white knight]

Hi Lanz, welcome

Pamela has given very good advice there.

Sometimes we are treated poorly and don't know what to do. We are confused and that confusion only goes away with others guidance....hopefully.

I had a narcissistic mother. Only did such behavior become apparent when I read a chapter in a book about "emotional blackmail" among other things.

Then a friend suggested I google - "waif witch queen hermit" which is the predominantly female version of narcissist. It could be worth you googling that. It presents a theory from a DR Christine Lawson author of the book - "walking on eggshells". All four personalities can be present eg the witch will hunt you down, the queen owns you and the waif seek pity from others and so on.

Sometimes it takes separation and a grieving recovery period then meeting a guy that treats you as a princess to know you did the right thing. From finger pointing to smiles, you will find happiness.

TonyWK