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Daughter says she will never speak to me again
I rarely come by Beyond Blue anymore, there are too many things here that upset me when I see the pain of others. Today though, I felt the loss of my daughter deeply (and her mother). The breakdown of my marriage played out in front of my children and impacted them both profoundly. No physical contact with the pair since I left two years ago, though my daughter would sometimes speak to me or text. My wife teated me terribly our whole relationship (25 years), but apologised after each outburst- I thought that the apology made it O.K and that it would stop, she assured me she loved me and I knew I loved her. But, it just got worse.
Kids learn through observation. In time they both treated me like rubbish. I gave everything to, and for my family. When I left my daughter barred me from contacting her, then six months later told me I had not tried hard enough to speak to her (I had tried- so very hard). We had limited contact that always ended in pain for me. I do not lie when I say I would give her my heart if she needed it to survive- without a second's hesitation, but during the last contact she said the most horrible things and ended it with stating she will never speak to me again- ever! My best friend called around the day after, he was stunned at how in one night I had aged so much. I miss her so much, I cry every day thinking about her, then move on with my day. Everyone I know still has contact with their offspring. Everyone says "She will come round, just give it time" yet they have no idea what it is like or just what she said.
I was so pleased to come here today to see a thread that was on the same theme. To see many other people who are going through what I am. Break ups are common in this age, but years of no contact with people who you devoted (19) years of your life to, who have your blood in their veins, who you would give anything for. From everything I have read I see it is best I have no contact with her, it was killing me how cruel she was, the hardest part is the precious moments stay fresh in my mind- we were inseparable her whole childhood. Life never turns out the way we expect.
not sure if you will see this...you said that you rarely come here.
I feel you are right about learning through observation. Your story was also sad to read - of the breakdown of your marriage and relationship with your kids. As you said, your story is not the only one, there are many others with common themes or happenings.
can I ask how you are these days? Or what sort of the support network you have?
I get by. I am under pressure elsewhere and the funny way our brains work makes me sad about other things instead of the task at hand. I have a small group of friends who are the world to me. They know just how strange the world can get- each in their own way. If anyone reads my post and finds solace amidst the turmoil of love, life and emotions, then all is as good as can be wished for.
I'm one of those that has lost the love of his daughter- correction...I likely never had it. She lost the love of her father by mistreating me.
Her mother a narcissist using silence as a weapon. My youngest daughter picked up her traits. Every 2 years she'd contact me, stay in contact for about 2 weeks then no more contact. She only used Facebook so she could block me.
My eldest I'm close to and she also has no contact with mother and sister for the same reasons.
Ok, the core of your recovery from this is a combination of-
1. Accepting you can't change things out of you control
2. Accepting it's not your fault
3. That other youngsters in your life nephew's nieces friends can benefit from your care
4. That time is a good healer.
Also as Smallwood asked "what support networks do you have"? Would like to know that also.
Ps you are a good person, keep that thought regularly.
I found your post so sad, touching and moving and it also made me angry at the way you were treated.
Smallwolf and Tony have given supportive suggestions.
Do you see yourself as a glass 1/2 empty?
when I wrote your reply to my post, I was parts of me and how I might interact with those who ask me how I am. Me saying I am OK is generally the best I get. There is the odd day where I might be good but these are few and far between.
And there are other things weighing on your mind...
in my (own) experience a number of small things that by themselves can seem inconsequential or can be easily handled individually, when combined have a much greater impact on how I see things more generally or as you said.. sad.
In the time that I have been seeing a psychologist I have been finding ways to the address these matters.Yet this is more than just venting as there is also work that I have to do.
I am not suggesting you are at this stage. Perhaps you have your friends you can confide in. Being able to have someone you can confide in is enough.
If you want to chat more about these other things, I and others will listen and respond in a supportive manner.
I am so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown and the estrangement with your daughter. I really feel for you.
I get what you are saying about life not turning out the way you expect. I don’t think any parent ever expects an estrangement from their child; it’s never part of the plan.
But it sadly happens to the very best of people and parents. You did your best in very difficult circumstances to love, guide and provide for your daughter and I believe your daughter may one day see that and understand that.
I know two men (a cousin and a friend) who have found themselves in similar situations with their children following separation and divorce. In both cases it took a fair amount of time but reconciliations were achieved.
In both cases, the mothers of the children were feeding the anger and estrangement with their fathers. And in both cases the children grew up and were able to see the situation with clarity.
I don’t know if this will be the outcome for you but it is possible.
You have every right to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and I encourage you to do this. But at the same time, I wouldn’t give up. Your daughter needs you, even if she doesn’t know it.
Kind thoughts to you
Hi, welcome/welcome back. I'm not sure if you'll read this either since you said you barely pop in here. Feel free to come back if you feel comfortable. I hope you're ok.
I don't know about marriage and children since I'm 21, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I'm sure you're a great, loving Mum, friend and wife. I'm so sorry.