Daughter in law problem

[Tea_girl]

 16 June 2015 Hi, I am on here for the very first time. I suffer anxiety and depression. It is more sadness that I feel at the moment due to a problem with a daughter in law who has managed to finally after 17 years alienate my son. No reasons given, just wiped from their lives ( two grandchildren as well).... The heartbreak has been unbearable. This person has been putting me down manipulating my son for years and he has now caved in for the sale of peace. Been three months of anguish, self doubt, going over conversations all to no avail. Perhaps someone out there can give me advice or has encountered something like this. I will be contacted " when they feel like it" . Gutted is the word. As a mother the pain is unbearable. Some days I am okay, other days I crumble and struggle to get out of bed. Mothers Day and my birthday went by with no contact. My son is a good man. I will never give up on him but part of me is angry with him for turning his back . Mark this post as helpful

[pipsy]

Dear Tea girl.  Have you tried talking to your daughter in-law, one on one.  Maybe she sees you as interfering, even though you say you're not.  I have a Narcissistic MIL who I've had to cease all contact with.  My husband sees her (when he can).  For some reason MIL/DIL relationships are very testy to say the least.  Maybe you could try writing to her and asking her straight out what you may have said or done to cause this.  Maybe she has a bad relationship with her own mother, and wants to keep her family to herself.  Could you ring your son where he works and talk to him there.  Maybe she has NPD herself, in which case, until she admits it or gets help, there's not a lot you can do.  I'm so sorry you're having this problem, but until you speak to your son or write to your DIL, there's not much else I can suggest.  Are she and your son having problems and she doesn't want to tell you?  I wouldn't tell your son how angry you are, at least give them a chance to explain what the problem is.  When and if you talk to your son, don't run her down in any way, this will alienate him further.  I wouldn't ring her, she may hang up.

Hope this helps.

[Tea_girl]

I was told by text to not make contact. I cannot contact until I hear from my son so it is very difficult. I see it as a closed book until my son gets back to me, doing it by text was disgusting and I really cannot understand. Yes, I would love to know but contacting DIL by mail will be going against what txt says. Just so hard. I think at this stage the pain is too raw and until I get through this stage and the feelings subside I guess I have to abide by the text. I have thought of phoning my son. I have thought of emailing . I find out by posts on fb all private details of my grandies, my DIL labels the kids, gifted, autistic, spd,. It appears she loves to be totally in control, hence she home schools and the kids have no friends or social interaction.

[Click_your_heels]

Sometimes all you can do is look at the bright side and get on with your life. If she takes good care of the kids and doesn't make your sons life hell be grateful for that. You don't say who sent the message, if it wasn't your son I would contact him at work and ask how he wants this handled.Do it on a good day, when you can be calm and rational no matter what he says (a big ask I know), but he most likely has enough to deal with without feeling you are pressuring him.

Unfortunately life isn't always fair, if the rest of your life is in reasonably good shape concentrate on that and hopefully with time your son will realize it shouldn't be a choice between his wife and you.

[SanAllflower]

Hi,

If your saying they are home schooled grandchildren and also that they are autistic I can suppose that she is a control freak and secondly she is under stress from trying to handle them.It s not your fault I think your son and daughter in law are in capable of being multi faceted and handling stress and all family groups in their lives.Further, I can think that involving a 3 rd party trusted friend can help.Who is trusted by both you and ask their help  to sort out this issue.I m sure your son misses you  but tries to keep away just due to his paranoid wife.But keep patience and have faith because he will come back sooner than you realize.

[geoff]

dear Tea girl, I can only empathise for you, because if this happened to not see my 2 little grand daughters, I would be utterly devastated, because they mean the world to me and have given me a new lease of life and we speak to each other, although the youngest can't properly talk as she's only 1 year old.

When my Dad remarried his wife indicated by her own means for Dad not to contact any of his 5 children, so he rang at work, not very often, and if we wanted to talk to him we also rang him at work, and when she passed away, he then came back to his family, but several years had pasted.

All I can say is that times will change one way or another, and I do hope it will soon for you. L Geoff. x

[Tea_girl]

Yes, I love my son and my love is unconditional. The wait is unbearable. And I agree, it is not a competition. Having a wife doesn't mean you cannot have a mother. I will not make contact as I do not want to add any stress to my son. I know how stressful having a young family is. I also understand how isolated you can feel. I am sure in his heart he knows I will wait for him. I only want him to be happy . I am going to see a councellor in a month. The despair and pain has been e or ous and while I try and put it out of my mind, it rears it's head and I feel like a waste of space. As a mother I always put my boys first as my own mother didn't know how to love her children and I was determined to right the wrongs and give my sons unconditional love. I adore my grandchildren but now realise they may never know me. Any phone calls in the past have always been on speaker. The situation is a nightmare and I often wonder how I will move forward from it. My concern is for my son as I am sure this is hurting him too

[Tea_girl]

Thankyou for you help here. No, I won't be contacting my son as I will not put pressure on him.i am concerned for his emotional welfare and will not make this situation worse. The text was from his mobile but I do. It believe he wrote it as it was not his style of writing. My gut feeling is he handed the phone to her. I was completely blindsided. A text is so cruel and I did not bring my son up to be cruel. I will give it time as I have no choice but when i am contacted I want the text explained. Thankyou for your help 

[Tea_girl]

Thankyou Geoff

you are very thoughtful and kind and your words make much sense to me when nothing much else does. I am glad your Dad came back to you, it would have been absolutely heartbreaking. Why are people so cruel? How insecure they must be and for me it is not having the decency to talk it through. Take care Geoff and thankyou for your help