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Daughter In Law is Tearing Family Apart

Community Member
Hello, I am hoping someone can help me, or at the very least, I can vent here. My family are going through a crisis due to my daughter in law (DIL) who is making our lives hell. About 2 months ago my son and his family came interstate to spend my birthday with me. My DIL was off towards us from the moment she arrived. We have always had difficulties with the DIL from the day she met my son. We have 2 grandchildren from them and she has often stopped us from seeing them when she feels we are not doing what she wants. This trip however, she was nasty from the time she arrived and by day 2 she was able to engage the whole family into a fight causing my 2 sons to actually fight. The fight was over money that was owed to my son, who lives with us, from her. She refused to pay it back and began screaming at us, scaring the kids and my dad who was here at the time. My husband tried to break the fight up between the sons as the DIL began to pack their items up to leave back to VIC right away. After everything had calmed down, we talked my son into staying as it was late and driving at night and very upset was dangerous. He agreed. They did however leave a few hours later as she demanded they leave. It is from here that things have gone heartbreakingly wrong. She did not say goodbye to us and swore to us as she got into the car that we would never see the grandkids again. We received a call a week later from my son saying that my DIL had put in a report that my husband had done something to the 3 year old grand daughter. We were told we were not allowed to talk to the grandkids until it was investigated. The case was closed 2 weeks later and the DIL was told that we could see and talk to the children and once again she has since made further serious claims. We are not sure what these claims are but we are told they are serious and we are once again not allowed to see the kids. My son has left her over this but he refuses to let us speak or see the kids as he does not want to upset her. We have asked him what these new allegations are and he said that she has blocked him from any information regarding this new case also. We have called a lawyer and any agencies we can. So far we are told there is no case but because she keeps making claims against us, they have to keep investigating them. We are heartbroken and so scared that we will never see them again. We are so scared of the lengths she will go to so we cannot see them, What can we do?
5 Replies 5

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nanaof4~

This sounds a terrible situation and can't go on. Apart from anything else your grandchildren are being exposed to a thoroughly irrational person.

I guess you may be thinking of two choices at the moment, the first being simply to react to any allegations she may make, which may be taxing and drawn out, even if they come to nothing. This does not help you reunite with your grand-kids.

The second, which would take your son's cooperation is that you may be considering going on the offensive and trying to prove that your DIL is unfit to have custody of the children,and also if you were lucky prove that she was deliberately giving false reports to police.

I've no idea what your financial and emotional resources are, the latter course wold be very hard, but maybe doable - you would need professional advice and assistance.

I can't see any other options apart from just trusting to luck. At this stage what do your son and partner think?


Community Member

How horrible. I am sorry for this hell you are living.

I have a similar but different situation. My son who now lives in USA has cut me off and isolates himself and his wife and new (my first grand child) from everyone. My DIL is passive aggressive, manipulative, and OWNS my son. I am mainly angry at my son for his betrayal.

I have bipolar and am a recovering Alcoholic. In AA we learn that we are completely powerless over people, places and things. I am practising handing over this situation to a higher power, living in today and grieving bit by bit for the people I have lost. I can only suggest you realise the mother is a very sick, sick puppy and get counselling and help on your very real feelings of fear, rejection, shame and grief

Community Member
Hi Croix, thank you for your reply. My son does not want to do too much as he fears her retaliation upon himself. She has often told him that she will claim domestic voilence against him if he decides to go against her on anything. He fears losing the children and I can see why he does what he does, but it hurts us terribly to think he is allowing her to do this to the entire family, mainly my husband. My husband is devasted and I fear that his mental health will be affected terribly. We both are struggling to find ways to deal with this but he keeps positive, moreso for me. We have suggested to try and have the DIL seen as unfit and many family members have offered to support us and will assist us with our claims. My son refuses to allow us to do that for the fear of the domestic violence threat. We feel we are stuck with no where to go. We cannot afford legal costs and we have just found out that she has written all over social media accusing my husband of terrible things. We cannot see it as she has us blocked on everything and we only know this through a third party. I am hoping to get proof but once again, if we do not have the support of my son, I am not sure we can do much. Thank you again

Dear DirectHonest I am so sorry to hear you are going through something similar. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is for you also. I have seeked counselling and was told that I needed to accept the loss of my son and grandchildren. I was devasted when she told me this. I walked out feeling like my depression was worse than when I walked in. I feel like I can do nothing but grieve. How can people be so cruel? I hope and pray that things work out for you also x

Dear Nanaof4, yes I was told by my psychologist and psychiatrist to accept the loss. It was also a devastating thing to hear and a real wake up call. I am angry at my son for not having the courage to stand up for what is right and pussy footing around. However, this is very common with men as women can be far more vindictive I find. Your poor husband, what an evil, evil thing to use. Women like this give women a bad name.

It is heart breaking and like grieving the loss of a child. I was bought up in an era when parents were respected, loved and cared for. I am glad I am on my way out and not my way in. We do not deserve this after a life of working, parenting and living through hardships. We deserve to be honoured and cared for like they do in tribal countries. Every parent does 99% the best of their ability with the tools they have.

I also pray everything works out, I really believe it does in the long run. Get on with your own life, enjoy it and know you are worth happiness and joy xxx