Daughter hates me.

Possum_Magic · ‎12-09-2018

My husband died of cancer, after four years of battling, when my daughter was fourteen years old. She was numb and blank- faced during the ordeal and our marriage even failed at the end, as he lost hope and became surly and rejecting. She wouldnt talk to anyone, even our psychiatrist for families of the terminally ill. She was always loved and cherished but spun out of control, rejecting us all and going from relationship to relationship, drugs and losing custody of her own child. I love her dearly but she blocks me on her phone, Facebook and emails. Once she was almost-friendly - for two weeks around her birthday. She’s sold everything given to her (for ice, I suspect. I think she wishes it was me who died instead of her dad, which I understand, but you can’t control those things.She calls me toxic and negative, I think for countering her threats when they became illegal. The violence was incredible. In hindsight, I think those texts were drug-induced. I keep her in my prayers and my door is always open to her, but she totally blames me and won’t talk to me on any level. On the other hand, some of my friends think I must have been a neglectful parent. I know I need to let her go, but she’s my daughter. I can’t block her from my life for I’m afraid a day might come when she needs to contact me. I’m not upset on the surface. I’ve worked hard to rebuild my life, but deep down, I miss her.

Croix · ‎12-09-2018

Dear Possum_Magic~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. there are many here who will understand what you have been and are going though. To lose your husband is a terrible thing, and if there was separation at the end it makes it so much harder to bear.

As an adult it would have been heart-breaking, though you would have had the knowledge and perspective to see fate for what it was. A 14 year old child could so easily blame people rather than fate, and sadly that misplaced blame has fallen on the easiest and closest person - you. She sounds as if she has never come to terms with the separation and death and you describe a pretty self-destructive life.

Add ice to the situation and I'm not sure what anyone could say or do. One cannot simply stop loving and cut of an offspring, it does not work that way. Keeping her in your prayers and a door open for a time of need sounds the very most a loving mother can do.

There is always hope for the future. People do mature and change. Events can steer their lives in destructive paths, they can also steer them to a better life. I do know that as people age the things they value change, and children and family can become much more important. While she may never come to think of you as not being in some way to blame those thoughts may go to the back of her mind and a need for closeness come to the fore. No guarantees but possible.

All one can do is be an example of calm love and sanity in a turbulent world and be available to offer that if ever needed.

May I ask if you are alone or have people to support and care for you? It makes a huge difference if you do.

Croix

quirkywords · ‎12-09-2018

possum_Magic,

Welcome to the forum. It is hard to write your first post. thank you for sharing your story in a moving and honest way.

I can understand how you can’t let your daughter go and that you miss her deeply. Whatever she does oe had done she will always be your daughter and you will always welcome her back if /when she contacts you again .

Could you write down letters to her and how you feel about her in a book, maybe for you or her if she wants to read it one day.

A friend I know did not have contact with her adult daughter for years but wrote letters to her on her birthday every year she was not talking to her. She found it help her express her feelings. When her daughter finally contacted her she told her about the book and her daughter read it and cried.

I can see you love your daughter and have been a through a lot .

Quirky

Hang10 · ‎12-09-2018

Hello Possum Magic,

Warm welcome as well from me. Great words of wisdom from Croix and quirky words.

Life sadly throw us a lot of testing times, every individual handle these times differently some in destruction ways others more calmer but still emotional way.

Your daughter I only guessing may have had a very close bond with her father. With sadly and cruelly your husband pasting away in her teenage years this will impact her it such overwhelming ways.

Strongly agree with Croix, age and time do help heal relationship if not fully but in a more respectful ways.

For you, you also going thru a lot of hurt. Losing husband and seeing him fighting his battle would also impact on you as well.

Keep trying to be sensitive to your daughter even if she don’t show you a great deal of respect. Kindness will help her heavy heart in time. Just random little things not too emotional but enough to know that your thinking of her. It may take a lot of time but the love will help her in the long run.

For your daughter I think she loves you more than you may realise. Drugs takes the soul away from people. It not your daughter talking it the drugs that can do this.

I hoping that your daughter finds a role model a father figure someone she can trust will help her. An family figure would be ideal. Someone who will bypass the hurtful side of her and bring the true side that she scared to come to surface.

For you. I hope that you get some concelling and also had a good social group around you. You can’t blame yourself. Today and the time onwards is about growth for you and hopefully growth with your daughter. This all takes time with maybe two step forwards and one side back. But I believe in you and that you and your daughter can help each other to be more of the mother and daughter relationship.

Look after yourself.

Hang10