Daughter has cut me off completely from grandkids

[Anita-K]

A few weeks ago, completely unexpectedly as we had a normal mother daughter relationship, my daughter sent me an email asking me to never contact her ever again. And I cannot have any contact with my gorgeous grandkids ever again-not even video chats! The way the email was written, it was by my daughter but as if she had morphed into a totally different personality! I am heartbroken at the ending of our hitherto fine relationship, but most shattered at no more contact ever with granddaughter 6 or grandson 4-these kids love me so much and I love them so much! Their mum is a single mum. I think the COVID lockdown restrictions on her have given her a mental health breakdown. But she did three years ago suddenly separate and then divorce her very loving kind husband, for no reason anyone could see so this "deletion" of people from her life is not new- I just never could have foreseen that she would do this to her own mother! I have supported her through so much heavy stuff in her life including after being in a domestically violent relationship. I drove all night 600 kms interstate, picked her and her stuff up and then drove straight back 600 kms- the whole round trip in 24 hours! I attended the local police precinct with her, then attended the court case for a restraining order for her. Then she stayed at my place as an adult, for years. We went on very long daily walks together. Also I dropped everything three times in 2018, to take her to hospital when she had life threatening auto immune collapses. I have babysat the eldest child, then just 1, for a full day, in the first year after my daughter returned to work. The kids so love coming to my place to see me! I am feeling so depressed and preoccupied with this issue. I feel so helpless as she says she has me on "block" now and threatens an intervention order if I try to contact in any way. The grandkids will wonder why Grandma does not want contact with them anymore! I am distraught!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anita-K,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you have taken the brave step in reaching out here for support. We're really sorry to hear what you are going through right now, it sounds like things are really stressful for both you and your daughter at the moment. We understand it must be really overwhelming feeling like all of this has all happened so suddenly, but please know that you have come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express your thoughts and feelings. If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend reaching out to our Beyond Blue Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service which is available 24/7 by calling 1800 512 348 or you can visit coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au One of our trained mental health professionals, briefed in helping people deal with the impact of the pandemic on their mental health and wellbeing, will be able to talk things through with you.
We hope you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel up to it.
  
 

[Heartcentred]

Hi Anita-K,

I am sorry to hear that you are currently being shut out of your daughter and grandkid’s lives. I can imagine how heart-breaking this must be giving all your love to your child and your grandkids; it is indeed very selfless. 😊
It sounds to me like your daughter has an avoidant attachment style.

I have learned through my own experiences with avoidant personalities is that all I can do is re-assure them that I am always there for them, be patient, stable, understanding, resilient, compassionate and continue to believe in love.

I understand feeling helpless can raise anxiety levels and worry however, it gave me the opportunity to practice patience and resilience. Keeping the issue at the back of my mind, I shifted my focus to positive aspects of my life, continued to doing things that I love like walking, baking, reading because I know that filling myself with love and coming from a place full of love, I can be there and ready for my loved ones when they are ready.

What activity do you love doing that fills your heart with happiness?

I would love to hear of any steps that you may take to fill your heart with love…

I hope to hear from you 😊

[Anita-K]

Thank you for your reply. I have no way of reassuring the grandkids that I am there as my daughter threatens an Intervention Order if I do! My daughter may never be "ready" again. The grandkids are so young they will forget me after a while! I have babysat them a lot and had them for sleepovers here. They will wonder why Grandma wants no more contact with them. I have no idea what my daughter will tell them. I fear she will give them some untrue answer so they will think I am the one who has cut off contact! And I am not in good health (I have quite a bit of chronic illness) so I probably will not see them ever again! I do gardening, I play electric guitar and I learn foreign languages on Duolingo app on my ipad. The only adult I see during lockdown is my adult son who lives in the same city. I am lonely and very depressed so I do not even feel like playing my guitar currently. I am still in the denial phase of grief- I cannot believe that my daughter could change towards me like this! It's like she must have revealed a hidden personality suddenly. I wish she had communicated to me that she had issues. Her ex-husband said the same to me -she had not communicated with him either. I am so depressed I cannot really get much interested in anything at the moment. I used to read copiously. I cannot do that right now. Never seeing the kids again is the worst feeling!

[Heartcentred]

They will wonder and I have found children to be naturally curious so questions will arise, therefore creating the opportunity for connection in the future...

It's completely understandable to feel afraid of the responses your grand children will receive however, I feel like it's important to remember how much of a situation you can control; for your own well-being and to maintain stability.

I do wish myself for expressive, understanding communication, it would make a situation much easier and there would be so much less conflict.

Oh that's beautiful! What type of music do you like? I play the violin.

I love learning languages and I have tried the Duolingo app for Brazilian Portuguese. What languages do you learn?

[Anita-K]

Thank you. I do not feel I have any control at all except to make sure I do not contact her in any form as she has expressly stated that. The kids would need to be ten years older before they would be able to contact me and I may not be alive that long. I am nearly 69 now and have various chronic illness. Over the years with Duolingo I have completed Spanish, French, German, Swedish and Esperanto. I fine the more languages you do, the easier it is as they are often quite similar. I am now doing Italian, Dutch and Portuguese. I learnt German as a kid as I had a German grandfather. I learnt French at high school and at university. In the email my daughter sent me she refers to the "Narcissistic Personality" that I display. But I have done the DSM 5 with a psychologist and no NPD -nothing except moderate depression. I feel unjustly accused as I have never been remotely NPD. I was a breast feeding counsellor for ten years. Then I was a customer service officer at Centrelink and I loved helping and assisting the pensioners. I love helping people. I feel so hurt now that I am being cast as a villain.

[Guest909]

Hi Anita

My wife did the same thing to her mother. Thirty years later, she did it to me. Sadly, I no longer recognise my wife. Overnight, she turned into a nasty threatening person that is only happy when she is creating trouble. Since separation, I have been threatened with multiple intervention orders that were unjustified and just plain vexatious. Do you see the similarities?

I always knew my wife had mental health problem; a product of an abusive childhood. For that reason, I understood why she severed all contact with her mother. Unfortunately, she then redirected her resentment to me. My point here is that you mentioned that your daughter was also in an abusive relationship; perhaps this is at the root of the problem you are now having.

Up until now, I've struggled to understand why my wife acted the way she did. Your post, and Heartcentred's explanation, has given me the answer I've been looking for - "avoidant attachment personalities". My wife's upbringing and actions tick all the boxes.

Thank you!

Thank you Heartcentred!

[Anita-K]

Hi Mr Paul glad to have helped you! In my instance there maybe is an inherited genetic code as her father, my ex, was a very cold person who blamed his mother for being cold with him. He barely related to my kids including the one who has "divorced" me now. I was the loving nurturing parent. He left me for someone else, then that person left him. So there seem to be cycles and backgrounds here for the current behaviour in my daughter's case. My daughter, like your wife, ticks all the avoidant attachment style boxes. As a caring mother, I was asking her how she was coping with the COVID lockdown -as she is extremely extroverted and would hate it. But she says she felt harassed" at me asking! Now I see that could be her not wanting me to know how she is feeling. What I object to apart from her cutting me off from the young grandkids, is that she said I display a Narcissistic personality- which I am sure that I don't!

[Guest909]

Hi Anita

I think that you are right; mental health problems seem to run in certain families. My wife's family has a long line of women that seem to self destruct. It might be genetic or environmental, but it seems to pass through the generations.

In regards to the narcissist accusation, I would not take it too seriously. My wife is the master of "projection". She would often accuse my of doing the very underhanded thing that she had done. If you google, "mental health terminology projection", you will get an idea what it is all about. It won't solve your problem, but it may help you understand the problem.

When this is all over, I to hope to get back to the electric guitar. I've been trying to learn for the last 20 years. Whenever I start to make some progress something happens, and I'm back to square one.

[Anita-K]

Yes Mr Paul- do get back to the electric guitar!- I love it -I had first learnt at 17, then stopped, then learnt acoustic guitar in my 30's then stopped. Then took it up 18 months ago and last year I got my electric Strat clone, and I learnt (from YouTube videos) how to play power chords and barre chords -which I felt at 68, with arthritic fingers, was not too shabby.