Dating someone with major depression

[Eddie6]

Hi all,

I've just started seeing a guy with major depression, and I'm not sure what to do. I've suffered from depression in the past, sometimes severely, but have recovered from it through counselling, and feel happy with my life now.

This guy seems seriously depressed, and I think he has been on meds and seeing psyches for a long time, perhaps even years. I'm not sure how much it has helped him. He's taken time off of work, and has been in and out of doctors all week. His contact with me has been patchy with me since going on a date last weekend, which he apologised for because he was feeling unwell.

I sent him a message yesterday to check in with him and ask him whether he wanted to catch up with me this weekend, and he hasn't responded. I pretty sure he's really interested in me. We had mutually major crushes on each other for around a year before stuff started happening a few weeks ago. He kept telling me he was so happy that things started happening. So I don't think that's the reason for the lack of contact, but still, it makes me feel ignored even though I know depression can make people shut others out and act non-rationally.

I didn't ask him out sooner because a year ago I was severely depressed, and didn't think it was a good time to date. I'm worried that he won't be able to deal with dating because of his mental health. But then again, he's had long-term relationships in the past.

Should I still date him? I don't like this lack of contact, but I know it isn't necessarily something he's in control of. What am I signing up for? I really like him, but what if he's someone who won't get better ever?

Eddie

[geoff]

hi Eddie, a rather interesting post, and well done for overcoming your own depression, it's not easy to do, but it can make you a stronger person, well I really hope so.
By having a crush on each other is what begins a lovely relationship, however when one person decides to go on other dates, depressed or not, then it may give you thoughts that he only wants to see you whenever it suits him, which isn't what you are looking for.
If a person wants to date someone they have a crush on, they don't go out to other dates, because you can like many other ladies as he seems to be doing, but you can only love one person.
What he needs to do is to understand what predicament he is in, and by being depressed this is going to be hard make as he will be be confused thinking that by going out with other females is going to make him feel better, well it could, but it's only a temporary situation, as once the relationship continues on then there will be no more excitement for him, and unfortunately there is something in that comment which you can think about.
Dating someone with depression is a gamble as you would probably know by struggling with it yourself, beause we never know what's going to happen next.
I hope I haven't upset you, as it's not what I would want to do. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Eddie

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Dating someone with depression can be tricky. Are you having conversations with the real person or the one with depression.

This is the start of your relationship, which means it may last forever, be over next week or something in between. At this stage I would presume his reluctance to respond has nothing to do with you personally, more likely his depression. So ask him again. Tell him you don't want to be intrusive but feel it is reasonable to have a reply.

Before you do all this, think about your own situation. Remember when you were depressed. How did you feel? Did you go out on dates or was it all too hard? And thinking about this, how attracted are you to this guy? Enough to walk with him during his depression?

No one else can tell you if you want to continue seeing him, it's up to you. You have first hand knowledge of depression and understand how others feel. This may decide you to walk away because you do not want, for whatever reason, to be with a depressed person. On the other hand you may want to use your experience to help someone else, especially someone you are attracted to.

I suggest, if the relationship is to continue, that you both have a heart to heart about his depression, its severity, treatment he is receiving and what help and support he would like from you. Take it from there.

I agree that dating someone with depression can be difficult, but you are familiar with illness. What if the BF had epilepsy? Would that make a difference?

Mary

[Eddie6]

Thanks Geoff,

I'm not upset. I was hesitant to start something with this guy sooner because of his mental health, but I decided to anyways and I'm still unsure.

Trying to figure out whether the gamble is worth it considering I'm sure whether he will get better.

[Eddie6]

Oops, that's supposed to be 'not sure'.

[Eddie6]

Yeah, I should probably talk to him about it. I didn't date when I was depressed the last time because I shut down and couldn't communicate. It was too hard, and I felt that it would be unfair to whoever I tried to date.

But, then again, people are different. Maybe he'll find ways of coping. Its hard to know whether he's capable of having a conversation if his depression is severe. Perhaps I should just give him the benefit of the doubt for now.