Dating an alcoholic with major issues- HELP

[Nothappyuni]

I have completely fallen for this person, but it is the most unhealthy relationship.  I believe in monogamy and this person when drunk argues that they are loyal but monogamy is boring and I should widen my perspectives. Sober I am with a remarkable person who is intelligent and such fun, drunk, there are frequent biter break ups that are forgotten by them in the morning, while I have to live with the memories of the night before. I understand the alcohol makes them very secretive, and there is shame in their addiction, but their whole life is secrecy. Texts, messages, emails and calls that must be taken in private. It came to a head for me when I went to their house and found people had been having sex in the bed- all the marks and stains. It was explained a friend had slept over and must have had sex someone there, but the hair all over the bed was my partner's and one other person's (the alcohol makes their hair fall out a lot).  I started to look at social media and found my partner (of nearly a year) has x-partners posting messages with hugs and love hearts to this person's time line, all while I have been forbidden to post to media that we are in a relationship. My partner refuses to post any public acknowledgement of the relationship, not introducing me to friends, or calling me a 'Friend'.  When very drunk, my partner tells me the most horrific things about sex with other people and drunk or sober stares at other men with such hungry eyes it scares me. They have hyper-sexuality as a consequence of the alcohol and insist it is only me that they sleep with, but sometimes disappears for days, people talk about my partner's promiscuity, past parents broke up because of the issue.  I just want some honest straight forward advice. Could it all be me being paranoid from all the drunken ramblings, or is it the truth that comes out when drunk (I don't drink).  I am not permitted to phone my partner, I must wait for calls from them (they had a lot of trauma in a past relationship).  My partner has confessed to being in need of attention, and confessed to meeting up with men, but only for conversation. I spoke to a psychologist friend and they told me "RUN, run far away, fast as you can", but I'm hooked on my partner, sober they are remarkable, but they are only sober a couple of hours a day.  

[therising]

Hi Nothappyuni

It sounds like your psychologist friend can feel all the red flags, fully trusts in what they feel and is using those feelings to guide you. Must say, I can definitely feel some too, as I'm sure you do as well. Btw, the guiding voice of intuition can be a handy thing to have. I imagine something said to you 'Check his social media' and/or 'Take a closer look at the bed, study it a little more carefully'.

The 'Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' factor with some drinkers can definitely pose a lot of problems. While the Dr Jekyll side of things can have someone appear as their natural beautiful wonderful and loving self, once the 'potion' is drunk, it can be like dealing with a whole other personality. And while it may not pose massive problems in the earlier part of a relationship, it can definitely pose a whole variety of problems as things progress. Kinda like while you've got the occasional 2 hours of the person you love, while living separately, when you come to live together it becomes only 2 hours out of a 24 hour day. Technically, you're getting just a snippet of the person you love each day, something that can become intolerable. 

With the Jekyll and Hyde factor, it can also become a matter of (when the doctor's in residence) 'I don't know what made me do it, what made me cheat on you. That's just not like me. I'm so sorry' etc. But when the potion's drunk, the promiscuous, exciting and fun loving nature of Mr Hyde returns. So, when sober you'll get the best in your partner but when they're drunk you'll face the worst and the fallout from that. And if they drink every day, you'll face the worst in them every day. I'm by no means saying it's wrong to enjoy a responsible, safe and consensual form of self expression through sex with consenting partners (plural) but when someone's in a monogamous relationship it's definitely not the right way to live. It's just not fair on their partner. Another thing to consider is 'Does Mr Hyde always wear a condom or does he simply not care at times?', something that could end up impacting you.

As a gal who's an ex drinker, I've gained some clarity over the years when it comes to alcohol being a mind altering substance. It really does alter the mind and the nature of a person. This leads me to the questions 'Does your partner enjoy altering his mind to the degree where he loves his Dr Jekyll nature? Does he get a high out of it?'. Does he love flirting with others and/or getting intimate with them? Does he love not caring about anything other than what he loves to feel for himself? Does he love switching off from responsibility, including a moral responsibility to you? Perhaps it's worth asking him why he loves drinking. Btw, if he says 'I just do', that's not a valid answer. It's a cop out from giving a valid answer.

Is his drinking good for your mental health and your soulful sense of well being? If his overall nature doesn't feed your soul, I imagine there's a guy out there whose nature does and not just for 2 hours at a time. Feed your soul beautiful person ❤️

[Nothappyuni]

Hi therising,

My intuition tells me to run too, but over the time we have been together they have improved in many ways. They have made a huge effort to not be so angry with me and apologise when they have attacked me for no reason. I'm tired of being single, and when I meet people out, they are all heavy drinkers too. It seems most people are or I just attract them. The drinking is to sleep, they can't sleep without it. They mostly try to avoid people when drinking but sometimes go to work or friends events and things go from there.  They insist that they will never live with me as they are well aware of their dark side and believe the solution is to see me as little as possible- even though they enjoy my company, the fear of saying something bad or unintentionally breaking up with me drives them away and sees them pushing me away too. Such a beautiful person under it all, I hoped to help them through the addiction when they were ready. But, if I ever catch them or have solid evidence of them being unfaithful it is over. 

[therising]

Hi Nothappyuni

It's definitely hard when we can see the best in a person coming out more and more based on the efforts they're making. It's like you don't want to leave them, based on their efforts and positive nature, but at the same time you're conscious of how far they have to go. Being that person who supports them and maintains faith in them means their chances of positive change increase as long as you're with them. To be such a light and a guide for someone is what defines such a person as caring and loving. 

Before I go on, just want to make a correction to that second last paragraph in what I wrote to you. You probably worked out I meant to write 'Mr Hyde' (not Dr Jekyll) when referring to the darker nature of drinking. Oops. Anyhow...

The drinking culture can be a tough one to manage, for sure. Because drinking is such a part of the Australian culture, it seems more people drink than not. Unless we're going to gravitate towards people whose culture involves not drinking or drinking occasionally, we can find our self being a part of it all, whether we like it or not. As mentioned, I was heavily into the drinking culture when I was younger. In hindsight I can see a lot of the problems with it and while drinking rarely these days (just a couple of times a year at most), I can see the problems it still poses with people around my own age (53). While my husband and I began as great drinking buddies about 25 years ago, he remains a drinker and what you'd call a functional alcoholic. He doesn't believe there's anything wrong with having 6 or so cans of beer after work in the lead up go going to bed and a variety of alcohol on the weekend. While he says he just loves the taste, my comment to him has been 'Don't kid yourself. If it was only about the taste, why don't I go through 48 cans or 2 slabs of Coke a week, like you do with just beer alone?'. He relies on drinking to feel life in certain ways. It's not just about the taste. While some people heavily rely on alcohol in order to feel the way they want to, I count myself as lucky in many ways when it came to my break from being a reliant drinker. It came to an abrupt end the moment I came out of long term depression. Suddenly being able to feel life in so many natural and incredible ways was one reason, with the other being I found just the smell alone to be sickening. The brain's a strange thing, hey.

Whether it involves your partner or mine, I think part of the challenge is for us not to fall into the trap of saying, 'He did that or said that because he'd been drinking' or 'because he's a drinker'. It was actually my kids who led me to become more conscious of using that as a way of excusing their father's behaviour to some degree. It was my 21yo daughter who has said to me 'Mum, with what you accept from dad, you set a low bar in regard to 1)your expectations of him and 2)your opinion of yourself when it comes to what you deserve'. She's a wise one.