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Dating a guy with issues and doubts about himself. He’s depressed and needs more time before he talks to me again.
I’m new to this and I signed up desperately looking for answers.
So my story is I’ve been seeing this lovely guy for 6 months and I think is safe to say that I’ve fallen for him. We’ve been seeing each other consistently but suddenly things went downhill during our weekend together. Admittedly we had arguments during the time we’ll It’s actually kind of petty but something happened the night before he turned cold turkey. Previously, he’s always brought up about his “bad” past and last relationship where his ex cheated on him with his cousin. However for the first time that night he revealed that he was so close to killing himself when he found out about his ex and his cousin and I felt that was the catalyst. Out of the blue he said he just wanted to be friends with no more intimacy but contradicted himself multiple times telling me that he likes me a lot and doesn’t want me to leave. I tried to walk away from him but he wouldn’t let me go. He kept trying to force “don’t decide yet, use time to think” on me when I was very adamant to leave solely because I have feelings for him and is hard to be friends.
In the past he’s said that he likes me but just can’t do relationships. Never gave reasons why. The problem is, we are practically in a relationship without the actual label. He would say negative things like, “I will die alone”, “If it makes you feel any better, I will never be in a relationship”, “Don’t let stupid old me be in your way”, etc. He’s really insecure and just not happy with himself.
Eventually he admitted that he needs space and time to think before he talks to me again. I agreed to give him space because I needed it too. I broke the no-contact rule because I was ready and realised how much I actually love him and wanted to tell him but then I discovered he spiraled out of control during our short break. He started smoking again (he quit for more than 10 years), got high and drank (when he planned to stop drinking for at least 6 months). I asked him if he’s ok and he said, “I don’t care anymore. I’m losing my mind. I haven’t slept for more than 2 days”. I managed to get him to sleep but he’s still pushing me away telling me he needs more time and for me to not worry about him but concentrate on myself. He assured me we will talk again after I told him that I’m worried and I miss talking to him. He wants another week of space and I really want to give him space but I can’t help but feel hopeless. What should I do?
He's clearly been triggered by you in regards to what happened with his ex.
Because he hasn't dealt with it, he brings it with him to this relationship.
Sounds like classic fear of abandonment, he's trying to test and push you away to see if you'll stay
Drinking, smoking etc is his coping technique because he hasn't developed healthy techniques to deal with the trauma he experienced
I'd try and remain open to him, empathetic but not sympathetic. And tell him to try psychologist counselling with him, in which you'll be there too support him
Best of luck
I can relate to what you are saying. I thought I was reading about my ex.
He seems to have a lot of work to do on himself. Whether that’s while he is in a relationship or being single, that’s up to him.
i have to agree with The Borderline. You do seem like you might trigger something in him. I believe that’s what happened with my ex. He has issues that he needs sorting out or else this pattern will continue in every relationship going forward. I haven’t spoken to my ex for a few months now. It’s been better for my headspace. I’ve been able to sort myself out and been reading up on mental health. I still care for my ex, he is a wonderful guy when he is well.
I think me being myself triggered him because he thinks I’m too precious/good for him and I suppose it overwhelmed him and made him hit a brick wall.
I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out well between you and your ex. I want to stay hopeful because I don’t want to lose my friendship with him either, especially when things went from 0 to 100 so suddenly. I’m trying to stay patient and I told him that I have belief in him to sort out his issues. I’m just afraid this space will prolong and I can’t guarantee if I have the patience to sit around and wait until he’s ready to talk again. I don’t know if there’s much I can do other than wait. I’ve given him reassurance and it seems to have lifted his mood/tone a bit.
Six months is a relatively short amount of time. If I were in your situation, I would be cutting my losses and moving on. Sometimes when we fall for someone, we can be projecting the ideal of what we want them to be rather than looking at who they actually are. This is not a person who is capable of providing you with mutual love and support at this time.
It might also be worth taking some time to examine why you are so attracted to this person, in spite of how you've been treated, and think about your past relationships to see if a similar pattern is there. Sometimes when we don't feel so good about ourselves, we can be drawn to people who reject us because deep down we don't believe we are deserving of being loved and respected for who we are. As a former 'rescuer', this is something I can identify with.
Hi Jess, thanks for replying back. I always saw it as a red flag hence why I often don’t disclose much to him as he does to me because I think I’m self-consciously protecting myself. I told him that is better we go our separate ways but he kept trying to stall me from doing that and that’s what makes it really hard and confusing for me. I even gave him the option to call it the quits if he doesn’t want to talk to me again. Once again he won’t let me go and says he needs more time.
I know 6 months sounds relatively short. I honestly didn’t expect to see him this long because in the past I’ve always been in casual relationships. In fact I’ve never been in a relationship nor have I ever liked a guy this much. Everything I feel for him is so foreign to me. We were seeing each other almost every week. I became so involved in his life, helping him with his taxes and sorting out his finances because he couldn’t face his family and friends. There was one time he had a panic attack at work and he was freaking out but he trust me to calm him down. He’s got many issues but he’s made compromises for me many times and that’s why I like him because he’s a fighter and he actually listens to me. Like I said, I’ve never been in a real relationship before but there’s something about him that I can’t even describe. All I know is that I love him enough to want him to be happy and safe and be the guy I’ve always known in the last 6 months. This is why I feel hopeless that I can’t help him and pick his brain. I’m left in the dark just anxiously waiting for him to be ready again.