Damping down a health libido

[Skara]

Gday all,

Strange topic I know but I've given it a lot of thought and I really don't see any other option to my situation. Only 2500 character so let see how we go. I've been with my wife for over 20 years and married for almost 12 of those and have 2 awesome little girl (6-11). Recently my wife and I had some trouble getting along and communicating effectively and I suggested couples therapy however after 4 months of it being put off I decided to go on my own. I went and saw the GP and got on a health plan and also went to a phycologist. It really helped me deal with some of my issues and feeling and how to work with them along with ways of opening communication doors with the wife and things between my wife and I are pretty good again apart from one area. We have always been a little, how to put it, on opposite sides of the scale, Both of us (well at least I think) enjoy sex however our desire for it is quiet different and always has been (not a recent development). I find it increasingly difficult to handle the rejection to the point where I defiantly wont try and be spontaneous and I even fear to ask. I just live in hope that it will happen or I make subtle suggestions.

I find my wife extremely attractive no only physically but personality wise as well which doesn't help matters. We have talked the ears off a donkey on this subject with mixed results often having any improvement that are made quickly return to the old status quo. I find it extremely difficult to deal with these days and it is really affecting my moods and overall happiness, however leaving simply isn't an option as I am still deeply in love with my wife.

My question or request for advice is has any one else out there dealt with this by seeking medication to reduce their libido? I really enjoy sex and would miss it greatly however I would rather give it away then feel the hurt of rejection or pressure my wife into doing something she simply doesn't want to do. Its just something that I can't handle anymore and yes I have spoken to my phycologist about this and I have tried to work and communicate on the matter but as they say it takes two to tango and I'm sick of being the lonely bloke dancing on his own.

Please any advice from people that have been through this?

[JessF]

Hello Skara, I hear that you really love your wife, and that the rejection you're feeling in your sex life is spilling over into other aspects of your life too. Understandably you want to make these feelings go away, and you've been really committed to try and talk this through with your wife. As you say, it does take two to tango, and that image of you dancing on your own really gives a sense of how lonely you are feeling.

A piece of advice that's often given in relationship situations is to focus on the things that you can control, and perhaps this is what has led you to think about taking medication to reduce your libido. I feel this would merely be a band-aid for you, however. You won't be able to eliminate your desires entirely, and this would just be muting your authentic self who wants to love and be loved in return.

Perhaps another way to look at this could be your perspective on rejection. You say your different sex drives are not a recent development, but have been present throughout your marriage. Your wife has been with you for 20 years and you have two children together. Are you perhaps confusing your wife's disinterest in sex with a rejection of you as a whole person? You say that your attraction to your wife is a deep love, on an emotional as well as a physical level. It sounds like this sense of rejection you're feeling runs very deep. How is your relationship in other areas, besides your sex life?