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Crossing the line
I need some advice. I'm happily married with a young daughter and my family life is fine and I'm very happy. I have a very close female friend of mine who I went out with her and few other friends over the weekend and we all had a good time. Now my wife didn't come and I didn't think this was an issue. Now I thought she knew my female friend was coming out to this function but turns out I was wrong.....the following day I heard about why I'd go with her and not invite my wife, how she needs to back off a little bit as we do chat everyday and she should know better to not contact a married man a regularly as she does and she clearly has feelings for me and how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Now I'm probably being a bit naive here by thinking I've done nothing wrong and I don't see the issues as I was just hanging out with mates but if my wife is upset then this is something I don't want to happen again. She obviously sees something in my friendship that has her thinking this way. For context my friend is 10 years younger than me and single which I believe could have something to do with it.
I am glad that you are here to get some support and hopefully get some of the confusion cleaned up for you. It is great that you have reached out here to seek some feedback and to get some understanding of what perhaps may have happened.
I hear that your wife is feeling very hurt and also betrayed by a situation that you didn't think would be a concern. I just want to ask if in fact you could have asked your wife to join the drinks or did you want some time with your friends? Has your wife been invited before and on this occasion was not, giving her perhaps a reason to feel excluded? I am so very happy to hear that you do not want your wife to feel upset about this again and that you are making an effort to seek some conversation around things you could do differently.
You are probably thinking why do I need to announce to my wife who will be at drinks, I would not tell her if I was having drinks with Barry but I have to address if Jane will be there. As humans I think people of the opposite sex pose a threat, even if there is no interest, your wife does not know this, unless you address it with her and give her a level of comfort. She would perhaps see the mentioning that Jane was going to be there as full disclosure and that you don't have anything to hide, that you are considering your wife might feel hurt if she didn't know that Jane was there, as she see Jane as perhaps young and attractive and single and a potential threat, it is your job to let you know that you are not interested in Jane and make her feel at ease with the drinks.
You are not responsible for how Jane is feeling and if in fact she does have feelings for you this would be another conversation as perhaps if you do know this then it does change the situation.
I feel like I am not communicating well today...but you know what I mean I hope.
I also just want to ask if you chat to all your friends each day or just Jane...I have no idea of her name but for the ease of my typing I have named her Jane...this daily communication may also be making your wife feel uneasy too. I think a good conversation with your wife is in order and to make her feel at ease with the situation you could ask her what you can do to make her feel comfortable and that is your main priority.
Hugs to you Chickem100
I am so proud of you for putting this level of importance on your wife...awesome!
Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply.
I mentioned to my wife that she should come along as she knew the people I was going out with but she didn't seem to interested so I dropped it, in hindsight if she knew Jane was coming I still think these issues would of arisen but I would of had more opportunity to explain the situation. These drinks don't happen regularly at all, anymore so there would be no need for her to feel excluded and as we have a young child if either of us go out the other is happy to stay at home.
I'm not interested in Jane as anything outside of a friend, we get along great and enjoy each others company but nothing more, which my wife understands from my point of view but I still think she has some reservations from the other side.
In terms of communication I have a small group of friends who I communicate with either daily or every other day in which Jane is one of them, so it's not unusual for there to be a lot of contact. I don't want this to become an awkward situation for anyone involved and as my family take first priority I want my wife to know there's nothing there and maybe some more transparent communication is needed!
Thanks so much for your time and words I just don't like feeling I've upset my wife with something I felt was minimal but in hindsight maybe I missed the mark.
Thanks for getting back to me and I can see now from talking further that this probably was a situation that your wife has felt very vulnerable and perhaps hurt, but these are her feelings and her response to the situation and you can't take how she is feeling away from her, what you can do is talk, and I think that this would be a great thing to do. You mentioned having a small child, is there someone you could call to sit with your child and you could take your wife out for a meal or a drink to chat this through with her? I think she would see it very favorably that you want to take her out, that you want to address the issue with her and put her happiness first and you could say all the things you have here as you have communicated very well.
I am really proud of you for taking her hurt feelings on board and addressing how you can make things right. You could have really come from the other angle and said well get over it these are my friends, I have no feelings for Jane so deal with it....you are so wonderful to care and to seek support to help right the issue here.
I feel like once you chat to your wife and express how you are feeling and she can let you know how in future you should manage these sort of situations I think you will both feel better.
I would really like to know what you think and how you go if you would like to share with us.
Great to chat to you Chickem100
Thanks for that, she seemed ok this morning so I'll see how she's going tonight and try have a chat about it, I must admit part of me was thinking the "just get over it" route but that would of caused more issues! It's not a nice feeling with this knot in the stomach thinking of the hurt I may have unintentionally caused of what I thought was a nothing issue.
I'm hoping a discussion will clear things up as I like having Jane as a friend and don't want to get into a situation where I
Whoops! Accidentally posted it unfinished! Where I need to make a decision between the two, but that does seem like a very far fetched option at this point in time.
Your help has been greatly appreciated.
I am so happy to hear that you are feeling a little better.
I think a chat with your wife is pretty important, even if she seems fine today, it really will speak volumes to her that you do care for her as well as care for Jane as she is your friend and you don't want your wife to have ill feelings for her or feel anxious or hurt each time you see or speak with her, that you want the friendship with Jane, and you are most entitled to by the way...but you want your wife to be a peace with it and know there is nothing sinister going on.
I think it is also brave that you can admit you did feel like "get over it", that is not easy to do so that is great on your behalf too, honesty is the only route to healing.
I hear you don't want to have to make a choice between Jane and your wife and that it is a far fetched situation at present, let's not even get that far into it and I think chat to your wife and put her feelings and yours on the table.
Here to chat anytime Chickem100
So very proud of you.