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Cross roads decision
Hi there, I’m a 42 currently married woman with 2 beautiful children and 1 adorable dog. I’ve had issues with my husband over a few years. We’ve had marriage counseling before and he’s seen a couple of cousellors over the years for his issues.
Recently something happened that triggered me and all I could think of “again?! How stupid am I?” I confronted him about it (which was a big deal for me who used to leave the elephant in the room untouched!) he denied it saying that the person made it up or had interpreted it wrong ...... similarly to what happened on a couple of other occasions over the last few years.
I don’t believe him at all and this time I feel I’m at a cross roads decision and i can feel it starting to take a toll on me. The sad thing is that I believe he needs more specialized help because it seems he has an altered sense of realty - so when he defends himself it actually feels like he fully believes what he is saying. Ive suggested and encouraged him to to talk to friends and seek extra help and things but I know I’m too close to him for it to hit the mark..... his realty is his truth after all...
In the meantime half of my brain has now effectively left the relationship as I’m in protection mode and I’m focusing on my job, my kids and myself. I feel like I have already started the grieving process.
I guess I would just like to share these thoughts and wonder how I can broach the topic of “us” again. I’ve already got a lot of information on separation and understand the basic process. Secretly I wish he would pull the pin and leave only because it would easier on me (and I know that that a cheats way out). I’m not a confrontational person by nature, my fighting is done by way of silence and withdrawing and I can feel it soo much right now. I have a couple of friends who are amazing supports
much love to everyone
hi and welcome to beyond blue.
while I have not been in your position in the context of a relationship I have been there in work situations where you tell or ask yourself “again?! How stupid am I?”
You are definitely not stupid. Perhaps we look for and see the best in others hoping they might change their behaviours.
While you wrote are at the crossroads, your wishing he might pull the pin as you said, sounds like you might have gone past that point? I guess what I am asking is whether you the relationship to succeed? You may have tried too many times and have seen no action? Does your husband know the effect his actions are having on you and what you are thinking?
One of the things that my psychologist wanted to me to do as homework on 2 occasions were to practice assertiveness, laying down boundaries and, rocking the boat and seeing what happened. These conversations can be hard but can also relieve the weight bearing down on you (read me). This worked for me as the reaction I got was different to what I expected. This is only a suggestion.
Did your friends give you any advice on what to do?
Hi there and thanks for your reply - I was nodding whilst o read your words. He does know how I feel and the latest incident caused a trigger in me, making me re-question my previous decisions. He insists that the incident didn’t happen even though I probed and voiced my own opinion that this last incident is similar to the previous 2 times! He shook his head and says that that other person is out to either slander him or break us up......
I makes me question why and how I am still in this relationship abd I think you are right, I feel like I’m already there. I’m not sure how I lay down boundaries as I thought I had done that on previous occasions quite well?!? He is convinced he’s not the one in the wrong.
I’ve just sent and email to relationships Australia to see if there is anyone I can talk to about my feelings and also get a bit more clarity on the separation process. I’m incredibly sad right now, and I think it’s because I feel like I’ve let myself be fooled again .....that whole “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”
You are no fool. It sounds like you have done everything right - giving him multiple chances. You looked for the best in him.
If you don't mind me asking... what has kept you in your marriage to this time?
I read your post and could relate so thought I'd try and show my support. I'm new to the forum too only posting my first thread last week. I've read a few posts and comments and advice and it's so relieving to have support like this.
I can hear you when you say you're at a crossroads. I am feeling the same and like you, I am not a confrontational person. My H suffers from anxiety so I doubt myself every day and have spent the last few years being told I'm not supportive enough and don't consider his issues. The fact I'm still here shows support, but in my world, showing support means living in a protective bubble to not trigger his anxiety. Feeling this way when someone suffers a mental illness is the guilt of all guilt - but I too am suffering from days of depression and it's affecting me greatly because I have no one to turn to now and feel trapped myself.
Believe me, you're not stupid. You stayed this long because you care for your family and you do care for your husband. I've only just realised the light bulb moment comes when someone finally tells you that they aren't caring for you in the same way. The worst part of it is when you bring it up with them, they think you're being ungrateful, argumentative or difficult because in their mind they are not in the wrong.
Leaving is never an easy decision because of the flow on effect and the unknown of how they will take it and react. My husband has no idea I'm so close to looking for the out button. He's given me so many chances in fights where I've caused him to get angry that I've not taken because I honestly thought I'd be the bad guy in the wrong and now I kick myself. I'm almost waiting for him to say I'm done just like you are. But then I'm more scared of the messy fall out. You seem like you're almost decided on leaving? Do you have a strategy?