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Coping with jealous husband

Community Member
Hi I was seeking some opinions with dealing with a jealous husband. I have a male work colleague that has asked to car pool to work which I did once now my husband has demanded it stop. I have never cheated and for 27 years have deliberately not gone out or had many friends due to his jealously. I have told him it hurts that he doesn't trust me. Am I in the wrong for the car pooling?
5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Sammy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for your post. Relationships can be a difficult area to talk about as there are so many background factors involved. I am happy to explain my viewpoint.

When one person in a partnership (and this can include business partnerships) believes they have a right to make decisions for the other partner warning bells go off for me. Does your husband try to restrict your actions in any other way? Does he tell you who should be your friends, where you can go, what to wear, what TV program to watch etc? Or is it only when you come into contact with other men? If your husband makes all these kinds of decision for you I wonder how you feel about this?

If it is only a one-off situation, such as car-pooling, I would be interested in his reasons for being jealous. Perhaps a previous marriage that failed after an infidelity? Parents who separated? It seems such a small thing to be upset about. Car pooling is cheaper on petrol, and we all need to watch our budgets these days. It is an environmentally friendly practice, also a good thing.

From your post I feel your husband wants more control over the things you do, not just the car pooling. Are you happy with this arrangement or do you believe you should make more decisions for yourself. Couples make decisions in all sorts of ways and if you are happy with your decision making methods it's not for me to disagree.

I wonder if this demand about the car pooling is one step too far. The advantages are obvious. You are the only person who can decide what to do in this instance.

Your husband's jealousy is a different matter. Has he always been jealous and wanting to tell you what to do? This may be an area where he feel insecure so wants you to comply with him in order to feel secure about you. The problem with this thinking is that it is counter productive. No matter how much you comply he will always look for reasons to be jealous whether or not there are any reasons to do this. Sometimes we need to go through the pain of letting someone do their own thing in order to realise we are not going to be hurt by this.

If you decide to car pool you may find your relationship with your husband a little strained for a while until he realise you are not going to have an affair with this man. Has your husband met your colleague? Perhaps when he picks you up you can introduce him to your husband.

In the end it is up to you. Please let us know how you get on.


Mary thanks for your advise.

My husband and I have never been married before we have been together since the age of 18 but he has always had jealousy issues. He says it's because he knows how men think and he said it's because he feels there are better looking men out there that I would want I have tried over and over again to explain that I don't look at anyone else in that way. I have always just avoided most situations that can trigger this. Now I think this car pooling issue was the last straw for me and for the first time instead of just being silent I spoke out and refused to stop car pooling it's the whole feeling that he doesn't trust me that makes me feel like crap when I have never given any reason for him to not trust me. It became easier just not to go to work outings etc. He seems to think that what happens in tv shows happens in real life. I am a nurse and have worked in hospitals so he thinks that I must duck into closets with the male nurses and now that I transport patients with a male driver a lot of the time he imagines what goes on in the van on the stretcher. I can avoid social situations but I love my job and I have left it once partly because of his jealousy I'm not willing to leave it again.

Community Member

Hi Sammy. It sounds to me that your hubby has some deep seated issues regarding the way he thinks other men see you. Some men do believe that they know how other men think, behave etc. Does he know the men you car-pool with? He also sounds extremely insecure which brings me to wonder why, if he has never had reason to be insecure. Before you married, did you ever separate due to quarrels, over, supposedly, other men showing an interest in you? Unfortunately, even if you were to introduce these men to your hubby, I don't think it would ease the situation. Have you tried just talking to your hubby about the benefits of pooling, for example the petrol saving, also if you only have one car, your hubby could use the car on the days you're not. Maybe arrange a small get-together between you, hubby, these colleagues and their spouses. Once hubby sees these colleagues with their spouses, this might alleviate his fear. Quite often in these situations, it's more a fear of the unknown, in this case if, hubby doesn't really know these colleagues. Once he gets to know them and feels more comfortable, the car-pool thing wouldn't cause so much agro for him.


Hello Sammy

Thank you for explaining the situation more clearly. May I clarify something. My comments are not really advice to you. This is how I see your situation from your description. My response is from my experiences in life and they are not necessarily the same as yours. This is one reason why I like to be sure of what is happening for you.

I had an abusive husband who made me feel useless. However I found the courage to leave after 30 years together. It seems to me that some of your husband's insecurity stems from not going out much and rarely seeing how you interact with other men and women. Maybe he needs to see you in different settings to realise you don't 'get off' with other men.

TV has much to answer for. So many of the stories show us humans in a bad light. The reason, of course, is to attract the viewer's attention and portray a different lifestyle to the one we normally enjoy. After a while the line between fact and fiction can get blurred.

I admire the strength you have in continuing to work in your chosen profession despite your husband's opposition. Having been in hospital several times in the past couple of years I have had a close look at nurses and their work. I thank you and your colleagues for your care and support.

On reflection I think we may have something in common. It appears we both had husbands who wanted to control us, even if the reasons are different. Sometimes exposure to a situation helps us to adjust to it. Being afraid of something can keep us locked into a pattern of avoidance. And this fear may only be dissipated by exposure. Increasing your social outings, both of you, may help to sooth his fears.

I used to feel like crap when my husband made me look stupid in public. He knew what he was doing and there was no excuse. I used to ignore it because I didn't want to cause a scene in front of people. In the end I stopped worrying about what others thought and told my husband not to do this. Possibly I was seen as a bit of an ogre, but mostly others saw his actions for what they were and supported me.

Not sure if I have helped you gain some clarity or not. Love to hear from you again.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Sammy, I'm sure your husband would carpool if females workers picked him up to go to work and there would be no 'if's or buts', because he would just do it, or maybe he's jealous is because he keeps looking at other girls and then expanding all the 'what ifs'.
Carpooling does save money, seems to be sensible and if he thinks that you could have an affair then he doesn't trust you, which you are trying to tell him that nothing will happen.
A jealous husband not only controls who you see or what you do, but extends to whatever else you want to do, such as when you shop, what you eat/drink, the clothes you allowed to wear or even when you want to put make-up on before going out, his restrictions are not how you want to life your life.
As I said in my opening sentence if the situation was reversed it would totally be different, and he would be happy if all of this happened to him.
I hope that he doesn't make '2 wrongs doesn't make it right', in other words punish you somehow if you do go carpooling.
Nurses have always been terrific in the many times I've been in different hospitals so it's a great profession you have chosen so please don't let this stop you. Geoff. x