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Coping with being kicked out/ Verbal abuse/ Not sure how to start over
With her, something is always wrong, everything had to have a label. And that's what she made me believe. She drilled it into my head that something is wrong with me and that I'm not normal and that no one likes me because I never got invited anywhere, I never got invited places because I had no friends because I couldn't keep them because every time I made a friend she made me feel like shit for having them and I just want one day where I don't hear her words in my mind and stop thinking everything is my fault.
A warm welcome to you sunnybeach19
The mum in me just wants to give you an absolutely massive hug and tell you how deeply valuable you are in this world. The philosopher in me wishes to express the following:
One of the 'rules for life' I drill into my 16yo daughter and 14yo son is 'Be careful how you identify (yourself)!' I'm big on the identity thing for identity issues led me into depression many years ago. Re-identifying myself actually led me out, at the end of my 15 year battle.
How we identify our self in relation to this world can be deeply influenced by our parents (as you would know). They set our foundations to a degree and it's not until we're a little older that the cracks begin to appear, if the foundations are full of faults. How are we supposed to build upon solid foundations then, ones we may not have?! I believe 1st we must begin to question, addressing the faults. Questioning how our foundations were constructed, why they were constructed (in such a way) and who constructed them are some good starting points. Such an exercise is not intended to be a 'blame game', just a step toward greater consciousness. Such a process can be jam packed with little liberating evolutionary epiphanies here and there, as we begin to pull the foundations apart.
Epiphany #1 could look like this: 'Okay, if everything is my fault, where did some of these faults originate? Could it be possible that some of my faults are actually in my foundations? Could it be some of my faults are inherited? Could it be possible that some of my faults aren't actually my faults at all?!' Hmmm. For example, if I am a poor communicator, where (in my foundations) are the learned skills when it comes to constructive communication? If I've always been yelled at as a kid, you could say that I instead learned the skills for destructive communication and emotional mismanagement.
'How am I going to manage this?' is something else I drum into my kids. Yes, there's a lot of eye rolling in our house when I come out with my mantras. This question is significant though, for management requires a plan. By the way, 'What am I going to do?' really doesn't prompt much conscious planning. In your case, I believe co-management is key. Managing with the help of a mental health professional and/or perhaps your dad can mean beginning on a path to re-identifying yourself in a genuinely positive constructive way. 'Digging up'/addressing some of the destructive foundations will allow you to rebuild.