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Coping with being in the middle of a family estrangement

Phillipa_C
Community Member
Hi everyone, just looking for some advice or insights for those in a similar situation. Some background info - I am the only child from my parents and my father has two children from a previous marriage. My half brother, half sister and I are close - after years of not knowing each other and not growing up together, we came to get to know each other when I was a young adult. My father's first marriage broke down when my half siblings were very young (toddler/baby) and he had limited involvement in their life even though I could see it pained him greatly. He saw them a few times when they were children, and then not at all. He would send them letters and small gifts over the years but they never saw each other. I don't know if he had visitation rights but I know he did not pay child support. My dad has become sad and bitter about his estrangement from his children and is resentful they grew up without his 'influence' and from comments he has made to me he seems to perceive them as a bit of a failure. I know my siblings are angry with him at his abandonment of them and it has hurt them too. They resent me for having a dad when they didn't. I can see they struggle to understand his personality and mental health issues. I feel like both parties refuse to meet each other unless the meeting is on their terms. Any recent attempts have ended badly, culminating with my father walking out of my sister's wedding and her deciding to cut him out of her life. She has since had two children which my father has yet to meet. My brother and father are very similar in terms of mental health issues and personality - yet they cannot see eye to eye on anything. My brother has visited my father a few times but reconciliation is futile. I have lived away from home for over a decade and now that I have returned home I seem to be caught in a crossfire. My father says bad things about my siblings like that they are a disappointment to him, refusing to recognise them as his children but at the same time saying how much it hurts him to have 'lost' them and not knowing his grandchildren. My siblings don't mention my father much but when they do it is to make sniping remarks about him or to dig for details on his mental health. I love my father and my siblings equally and I want to know - how do other people cope being in the middle? Do you get involved and try to support a reconciliation (I try not to)? How do you support both sides of the family without taking sides?
2 Replies 2

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Phillipa C~

Being in the middle of a long standing situation like this is a no-win situation. If your father and siblings cannot reconcile any efforts you make will only tend to estrange you from them.

Do you think it might be possible to simply acknowledge you love them all but do not want to talk about it, step back and let them behave as they wish? If you father blames them or the situation agree it is sad but do to try to defend, the same with them.

It is emotion and hurt, no logical explanation will really do anything -as I'm sure you know already. Just make it obvious you are pleased to see each of them when you do, and leave it at that.

Croix

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Phillipa_C
Community Member
Thanks very much Croix. You echo my sentiments.