Constantly worrying about my boyfriend losing interest

[belldrops]

I’ve been with my boyfriend about 4 months (we are in a distance relationship, just under an 2 hour drive apart) and I noticed early on that I am quite anxiously attached. I worry that as time goes on, he is realising my insecurity and I’m projecting that onto him, which naturally is a turn off for guys if they can sense you are too over invested or dependent on them. At the beginning, I didn’t feel as anxious as I could feel his interest in me, whereas now I feel the energy has switched and I am the one chasing him. I am terrified of being clingy as I know this will only drive him further away. I hear all the time that fear of rejection is a self fulfilling prophecy as it causes you to act in a way that usually does end up driving your partner away, and I’m terrified that is what I’m doing and perhaps it’s too late to fix it. 

Last week he didn’t message me for 3 days, which is unusual. I reached out and he apologised for not communicating. When I saw him in person on the weekend, he bought it up and again apologised. I told him that I would like us to text a bit more regularly as it helps me feel more connected to him, which he agreed to. He said that he can’t really understand himself or articulate why he isn’t motivated to reach out - he said that he is generally quite exhausted from work as he is now working a lot, as well as with the distance he can get caught up in just doing his own thing. I then got into a rabbit hole of reading our earlier messages from the first month or two of us dating, and he used to reach out all the time, and it was playful and fun. I feel like we have lost that in our messaging, and I don’t know if that’s a natural progression of a relationship or if it’s a sign he is losing interest. I asked him directly if him not wanting to message me as much is related to his feelings for me changing, and he said no, that’s not it at all. But I can’t help but compare to our earlier text messages, and think that if he liked me, he should want to reach out and talk to me. I’m just so worried that I am self sabotaging the relationship with my fears and insecurity. He is a great, kind guy and I wish I could just enjoy it rather than be constantly obsessing and worrying 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well, you certainly know the theories and have insight to the issues, but over thinking and worry only cause ulcers.

I think the most important unknown here, for me is how he feels about you. Lack of texts/calls etc is kind of understandable with work, tiredness and distance. But if you believe he feels he is falling in love or is in love then distance could be your enemy.  This also depends on your ages and if you both want to make more progressive plans. He could well be much happier living together and be very different at home after work being with you than having his home routine and texting.

Different people respond positive or negative to "clinging". I used to love the over the top attention but gradually drew away from it. Others cant stand it. With your natural need to cling its unnatural not to and visa versa. So clinging should be ok and accepted by a partner IMO but its like many differences couples have, the comfort zone is more like in the middle of both extremes so restraint is the key.

I hope all goes ok. Here is a thread that might help you.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Belldrops~

I'd like ot join TonyWK in welcoming you here to to Forum. It's a pretty sensible move as you can get different takes you might not have thought of. Waiting on a call that is important to you is no fun at all.

Tony said the most important tihng is how he feels about you, and also that some people like relationships that are very close, even needing to be in contact a lot, and others not so much.

A distance relationship is a hard thing, much harder than face to face all the time. There is so much one can read into a sentence -or silence -and there is no guarantee it is the right interpretation. You do not have all the little body clues that help give a full picture.

I"m not sure how helpful it it to compare the first few weeks of conversation with now. Relationships change, mature and what might have seemed most important then might be something else now. It is also a problem in that calls take effort, and if one is tired or flat out then the conversation may not be as long, frequent or on the same subjects.

He obviously cares how you feel, bringing up the lack of calls when you came face to face on the  weekend and apologized.

May I make a suggestion? No matter how anxious you feel inside try not to set down requests abut frequency, but instead try to make the calls fun and interesting, so you can both relax wihtout the idea  of something going wrong being there all the time.

I hope the time is not too far away when you can be wiht each other more often.

Croix