Constant cheating

[Need_Answers]

Any advice would be great.  6 years ago, I discovered my husband had joined Ashley a dating site for married people.  He promised to not do it again.  A few days ago, I found an email confirmation on a booked session with a paid sex worker.  I went numb.  Not only did he pay $500 for an hour session, it was booked the day after our wedding anniversary where he didn't even buy me a gift, flowers, card, nothing.....I then went through his phone (which I know is a no no) and found the workers number in his contacts.  In addition, I found a profile set up in a trans site.  I'm so confused......I confronted him about the  worker and he says he doesn't want to be married, he feels trapped, feels like he doesn't belong anywhere.  We have a disabled son, and he said that he feels he has to stay as he won't abandon his son.  He said he loves me but doesn't like the routine and boring life of marriage.  It's been 4 days and we haven't spoken about it since.  I need to know what's going to happen.  I need to know what his sexual preference is?  I want to give it a few more days but need to open the dialogue.  I can't remain married with someone who wants to be able to have "extras" on the side.  I believe I deserve better and I personally want more in a partner and relationship.  He displayed alot of remorse and is being extra attentive since my confronting him, but I need more questions answered.  Obviously, he'll do it again, because he has - when he promised he wouldn't.  I love him too much to hold him into something he feels trapped in, but don't know how to push him to be honest about what he wants.  He says he can't imagine his life without me in it and the safety of our home, but surely, he can't expect me to just put my head in the sand?  Any help, guidance or advice from anyone who has been in the same or similar position would be truly grateful.  

[Hope-Less]

Constant cheating, 

I feel your pain. To be placed in such a position is awful and your instincts are right, it will happen again.
Listen to your gut and act with kindness, even though the enormity of life changing so dramatically is hitting your in the face with sadness and pain.
Your husband will be in your life due to sharing a child together. 

Sending strength to address the next steps. ❤️

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I am not in any position to give you any advice (have not been in similar position) but I can imagine the shock you must have after looking at his phone.  And all the questions it must have raised in your mind as well. I feel you do deserve answers to those questions. Perhaps honesty as well?

I might suggest that if you look at your post and look at the sentences starting with "I" you have a starting point for a conversation. Perhaps rather than saying "you should tell me X" you might rephrase as "I can imagine this would be difficult for you as well and if we could talk about X we can work out some way forward".  Big hint is empathy. 

There are other communication tricks which my psychologist has told me about that I have tried and might work for you if you are interested.

I hope of this helped.

[Juliet_84]

It never ceases to amaze me what people bring into their marriages without care or regard for the damage and pain they are inflicting to those that love them. I am sorry that your hopes and dreams of a happy marriage hsve been shattered, it must be absolutely devastating.. I can certainly understand why you need answers, this is almost unfathomable for the brain to comprehend and the trans profile is an added element of confusion no doubt. But the reality is that for all intents and purposes you have your answer, your husband is not who he says he is, there is this whole other side to him that he has kept hidden from you. I do wonder why he chose to get married, it would be so much easier to remain single and live the life you want to lead without consequences. But no doubt wanted the best of both worlds, to do exactly what he wanted whilst also reaping the benefits that come with a committed partner. If he hadn’t been caught he seems as though he would have continued without a second thought. And the willingness to spend $500 on a sex worker and do nothing for your wedding anniversary speaks volumes. So what do you do? I was in an abusive relationship for many years and asked myself this often. I have chronic health issues and felt afraid. But then I realised that I also felt afraid and unsupported in the relationship. So I started making a plan. I opened a separate bank account. I started doing more things on my own. I emotionally distanced myself until I was ready, and then all it took was 1 day of insane courage where I packed up my things and said “enough”, no one is ever going to disrespect me like that again and left. I went to my sisters house and stayed there while I got back on my feet, then I found an apartment etc and never looked back. I had tried to leave many times before after each DV episode but went back as I was promised he had changed etc but it never lasted, instead things got worse over time. My advice is, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. It saves you a lot of heartache in the long run. My only regret is that I allowed him to weaken me so much while I tried to delay the inevitable. You don’t have to make a decision right now, but I encourage you to start formulating a plan. If you need it, it’s there, if not, no harm done. But I don’t want you to feel you ever have to make decisions that aren’t in your best interests because you feel stuck.  

[geoff]

Hello Need_Answers, there a couple of old sayings, 'you can't see the forest through the trees' and 'you can't eat your cake and have it' which ever is more preferable in this situation as perhaps both.

Love and trust are two important issues in a marriage, but when you know that he will cheat on you again, then this is slowly going to dwindle away and no, you can't pretend to hide it, because it's going to slowly eat you away, so can I ask you what is more important, having a spouse who totally loves and respect you or someone who wants the safety of a home but cheats behind your back.

Geoff.

[Cakecake]

Don’t jump ship just yet. I think your husband needs some therapy, he doesn’t sound like he is very happy. Sometimes people do desperate things. You might only get partial custody of your son if you split, this is very difficult. It is hurtful that he didn’t buy you a gift though, does he resent you?? I think his actions could be a symptom of a problem in the marriage and if that’s addressed you could save the marriage. Just give it lots of time and patience. Right now you have your son with you every day and that’s priceless. Try not to personalize this cheating he may not be about you but about him. If you can remind yourself that you are perfectly lovable etc you may not feel the hurt so much and so can keep calm through this. 

[ecomama]

Hey CC

I empathise with your situation, similar to mine, shocking. The betrayal was immeasurable. The grief was unbearable, for a time. 

You may be different to me. The journey I took may not be your choice. I haven't regretted detangling from that monster for one nanosecond. 

My own self worth was more than how I was treated with the constant lying, cheating & stealing. 

It wasn't until I Discovered the truth (a mere 1% as it turned out) that he asked for marriage counselling. It was a total waste of time. He lied, turning the MC against me. There is NOTHING you can do to change a person, 'leopard..spots'. 

H has already told you the truth... "he says he doesn't want to be married, he feels trapped, feels like he doesn't belong anywhere.."  yet he wants wants wants sex workers on the side & has them (using marital money to fund them), wants to stay in the house blah blah blah. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, so saying he doesn't want to abandon his son is in line with this.
He already has. 

Actions speak louder than words. Time to get your ducks in a row. I would have a free meeting with a Family Lawyer, in fact you can meet with every FL near you & I strongly suggest you do asap. 

Clarity came more AFTER separation & divorce. Very messy. I attended a Course called "Breaking Free" for victims of domestic violence. 

This is much worse than I believe you realise, but your feelings are telling you this, right?
Whilst you're preparing, you can call the 1800RESPECT hotline. Hs behaviours are categorised as sexual abuse in marriage and it is. 

Protect your health by using protection with him. 

YOU are important. 

Stay strong
EM

[Alison_M]

Hi

I know exactly what you are going through, as I also found out my husband of over 20 years has been cheating online with over 60 X 18 to 20 year Olds . I found out a couple of days before my last birthday, that he had been doing it for over 18 months yet again! Just over 10 year's ago I found a used condom in our ensuites bottom draw on top of a porn magazine. He promised to never do it again, then the message came in that broke my heart forever. An email came in that asked who he wanted today, when I approached him he said so what and continued to tell me it was my fault as I no longer looked as good as I once had and was to fat to make love to now anyway, I had put on weight due to injuries but I'm not obese by any means. He paid them, so he could pleasure them.  I didn't even know you could do that!! Maybe we can chat and work things out together. I looked into it further and found out he'd been with the same 1, on our 2 previous wedding anniversaries including our 20th, plus my birthday. Even though he wouldn't touch me. All I ever wanted was 6 kids and a faithful marriage, after watching my Mum go through hell when I was 13 years old because my father had an affair with a much younger woman, he knew all this and before we married I made sure it was what he wanted or so I thought. I know I can't ever trust anyone else and I'm 53 years old now so will never get my faithful lifelong marriage I so desperately needed and wanted. I never got my 6 kids either. So please realise that you're not alone. 

Also I've been talking to some really nice and caring people on here and have been receiving support from them. He also would never of told me if I hadn't seen the message and would of kept cheating. He has also been violent and very abusive especially since I found out this time. Just be careful when approaching your husband and prepare yourself for abuse just in case.

[Alison_M]

Can you please explain how it's hard for the person cheating as well, they have a choice not to cheat and to follow the wedding vows to forsake all others. They're not accidentally cheating, they're doing because they believe their pleasure comes first no matter who gets hurt in the process.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Alison M
 
Thank you so much for your supportive post this afternoon.  

We are sorry to hear that you have and are going through a similar experience here.  We wanted to let you know that it's important to make your safety a priority too and have therefore included a link below to 1800 RESPECT, a support service which may help with what you are going through.  Although the risk of escalation in abuse is higher at the time of separation or confrontation over certain issues, violence is never ok and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.

For 24/7 support and free to access:

• 1800 RESPECT Click Here or call 1800 737 732 and also
• 1800 RESPECT Chat online Click Here

Of course, if ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat Click Here .  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

Thanks again for sharing your experience in order to support our community members, it truly is appreciated.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M