Confusion about relationship

[Kylez2]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and we have a 6 month old baby together. I met my partner only a few months after separating from my husband who I was with for 8 years and I was in a very vulnerable place. Unfortunately I feel as though I have let some bad behaviour go unaccounted for and now I’m not sure if the way I’m being treated is a big red flag. I basically can’t talk to my partner about any of my feelings, if I cry he gets angry and if I’m upset because of something he’s done or not done then he gets very offensive, most of the time he tells me to ‘stop sooking’ which is really dismissive of my feelings. He also very rarely asks how I am or how I’m feeling and i think I’m just starting to realise that he doesn’t respect me much. He’s a great person otherwise, he struggles with emotion big time and I think this has something to do with his upbringing but how can I be with someone who I can’t talk about my feelings with? I’m so confused and would love some insight.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Kylez2.

Sorry to hear that you are not doing well with your emotions and I imagine that you are really struggling with your new guys personality. Most times, the grass is not greener on the side so I really am sorry to hear of your situation.

Best to speak with a support person about how you feel and what you can do to look after yourself. And, if this new guy isn't working out, make the right choice for you and maybe he isn't the right person for you.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I agree with Kylez in that a professional from say, Relationships Australia could be beneficial even if your partner refuses to attend.

Sometimes what appears to be a deal breaker between a couple can be easily rectified with professional advice. It sounds like he cant cope with sorrow/trauma etc and this doesnt mean he doesnt love you. There might be an underlying issue with his past that causes this reaction. It is better to try to get to the bottom of that issue than walking away at this point.

Let's face it, you might also have a few coping problems post giving birth and the stress of a new born baby isnt to be ignored in the scheme of things.

Here is a system that might work for both of you.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pipe#qmy1OnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[missep123]

Hi Kylez2,

I am really sorry to hear that you have been going through that. It can be a very tough when you start to realise something about someone's personality.

May I ask, have you tried to speak to him about this before?

Communication is a very important part of a relationship and it is especially important not to feel alone. Would you be open to speaking to a professional about this? For example a GP or counsellor?

We are here for you!

[Kylez2]

Thanks White Knight, your comment seemed to relate to me on a few different levels. I agree with his coping mechanisms (or lack of) in regards to sorrow. I did bring up a certain scenario that happened on Saturday tonight and I told him that how he handled the situation wasn’t right and he made me feel even worse when I was in a very vulnerable state and needed his support. I also told him not to dismiss my feelings by telling me to ‘stop sooking’. He didn’t say too much and I’m not sure if it fell of deaf ears or not but we will see. I feel better for talking about it. I also have issues to get through as well, having a baby has been a massive adjustment and I’m also in quite an isolated area without support of any family and my friends all work. I also battle with post natal anxiety.

sometimes I just get so confused as to whether my thought processes are fair or not and I overthink things so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me - it helped more than you may realise

[geoff]

Hello Kylez, I'm really sorry you may be suffering from PND, and in due respect, we can't see the forest from the trees so this can confuse how we are able to look at situations, however, not having a partner understand what you're going through certainly doesn't you.

If a friend comes up to you and says they're depressed and you deny it, then tell them to 'grow up', how is this depressed person going to feel, worse off, it's exactly the same as him telling you 'to stop sooking'.

Any responsive person would be keen to see that you had the attention you need because any relationship should be about understanding what each other needs emotionally.

Take care.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Kyle's,

It could be that basic male/female differences are hindering you both with understanding.

The well acclaimed book MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE GROM VENUS by Gray was outstanding if not a little scary to read as he compares how the two genders think. A man can feel affectionate when the female feels it's love, a woman can feel it's a discussion, the guy feels it's nagging and so forth.

What I'd like to suggest is that both of you (over time, baby steps) give each other the benefit of the doubt then have a cuppa and discuss that misunderstanding to clarify things. This ideally shouldn't take more than 15 minutes then once you are happy switch topics to something more delightful.

He does need to embrace these concepts, the work can't be left to you alone.

One issue to be aware of is falsely expressed feelings. If you suggest to him to ask daily "are you ok today, how are you?" Then he might do so in a robotic manner. Instead it's better to break down his walls like I've just mentioned (time out with a cuppa 3 times a week) to extract his inner feelings of which are hidden.

Also Google this

Beyondblue topic talking to men, some tips

By all means repost if you like

TonyWK