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Confused
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I am not sure what to do. My husband is a good father but he has a bit of a temper. He has a tendency to yell at the kids and sometimes me. We went on a camping trip and he yelled at my son because he was slow getting out the van and got in his face. My husband will say he is just disciplining the kids but when I told him his son wishes he had a scarey dad he then confronted my son. He of course denied it asking in front of me to make a point. We were out for dinner and he swore at me at the table and then left abruptly before yelling at his brother in law because the brother in law said my husband would not pass me the menu. When I tried to talk to him he said he was too stressed to talk. I messaged him as he is away about being worried about our marriage and family. He said I should have known that I married someone with emotional baggage and the problem is I have had it too good in the past with my own upbringing, I have never told anyone or my counsellor that he has punched the fridge and put a hole in the wall once when no one was around. He says this level of disagreements we have is normal and not to worry. I love my husband and don’t want to divorce but he sees me bringing things up as blaming him when all I want to do is work through issues. We have been to counselling twice but he does not necessarily see it as helpful when I start bringing things up. I feel stuck, very anxious and have presently lost my appetite. I don’t know what to do.
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Hi Cindy, how brave to post.
Gaslighting is a term that has changed over the decades as the coining of the phrase from a 1940's movie meant one person is trying to convince the other they are insane by feeding them strange occurances but denying they exist. Now its more used to describe someone that throws a decoy back at you when all you are doing is trying to fox and issue. They turn it into "its your fault" situation. eg " I married someone with emotional baggage and the problem is I have had it too good in the past with my own upbringing".
Well his behaviour is not normal and I often feel like asking these people, when they claim it is, to provide evidence of other families that over react and yell at the kids because, whether he excuses it of not, yelling at his kids in the form you described is a form of abuse and your children sadly will pay a huge price for it down the track, let alone likely dislike their dad. Punching the fridge and walls is another form of dominance through violent acts and clearly he has a problem that should not be left for you and your kids to tolerate.
As a one time prison officer I was taught how to get the point across without yelling, indeed the point is made clearer and has far more effect by taking 2 minutes to sit your son down and look him in the eyes and say something like " you are annoying me by taking too much time, now if you would like to play then we have to do some chores first, are you willing to help me with that"?. Good fair, firm patient parenting and I suspect that his lack of patience and lack of control has a medical cause, this means a GP chat together is justified. You can tell him the reason for the appointment is purely parenting issues. If he wont attend then attend alone BUT, after you do, refuse to discuss it with him as he had the chance to attend. This might well create a void with him as he might believe something is going on, and something is because he wont get help anyway, that leaves you to do this for the children 1 and you 2.
There comes a time when the children must be protected. That might mean positioning you between him and them. Then if it escalates, police should be called. The future could be an issue because if you separated his access to the kids means he can yell anyway but one day your kids will say they no longer want to see him, their choice and his fault.
From Google Child harm or abuse. Refers to any behaviour or treatment that results in the actual and/or likelihood of causing physical or emotional harm to a child or young person.
I hope I've clarified what abuse is.
Reply anytime, I'm here daily.
TonyWK
