Confused, sad and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[Kaykay1994]

Hi all,

I think I’ll just cut right to why I’m here. I’m 23 married and have a 6 month old daughter. My husband and I used to live with my mum while I was pregnant but she kicked us out in January of this year. Being pregnant and out of work my husband was the only one providing for us and so we were basically homeless until a real estate helped us out and we got a rental property ... fast forward 9 months I had my daughter in April and my mum decides she wants to be apart of my life again.. ofcourse it’s only because I had a baby, her first grandchild. Me being me I just let it be and went on with it. So lately my husband and I are hitting a rough patch with financial problems, and we mentioned it to my mum who then mentioned we move back to her place. Naturally.. I am scared sh*tless as you can understand! She threw us out of her house when I was 6 months pregnant and 4 times prior to that. And I told her my stance on it and how I felt about it all and she says ‘ oh it won’t be that way, I promise I’ve changed ‘ now something in me wants to believe her. But, I don’t. Today, it came up again when she came over to visit and she got really defensive when I told her how I felt and how I think things will go down if we move back in with her again, she got so angry she blamed it all on me and my husband and left the house. I was upset and called my husband and he got angry at me. Now I’m just lost I’m sad, I hate myself. But I don’t let it get in the way of my daughter I feel so bad. She doesn’t need this and she doesn’t deserve to see me sad. Yet I’m in this house with no one to talk too because I don’t have anyone. And I just don’t know where to let it out. I don’t even know how to let my words out I hope someone does understand how I’m feeling and has some or any type of advice for me.

Thank you!

[topsy_]

Hi Kaykay

Congrats on your lovely baby daughter. I’m sorry though that you are going through all this trauma.

Your mother sounds like mine & I spent decades hoping & wishing we could play “happy families”. Overlooking the criticisms, accepting blame & put-downs, crying heaps of tears, burying my anger & disappointment, until one day I could no longer do that.

I had to admit that my mum didn’t have it in her to be the kind of mum I needed & wanted. She didn’t have it in her to even love me.

I had to grieve for the loss of those dreams & wishes. It was hard. I did do it though. And I cut her out of my life totally & for good.

I even forgave her, but only to set myself free of bitterness & anger.

I have three daughters & they really are better off without her influence in their lives. They were only young then, but as adults now only one has made minimal contact with her.

I know what it’s like to feel alone with a new baby. Perhaps you could check out local playgroups, go for a walk with bubs on a sunny day, window shop & have coffee. And I’m sure you can think of other things.

A lot of people suggest keeping a journal of all your emotions, problems etc. Sometimes just getting them “out” can ease the tension.

I don’t know if any of this helps. I hope a little.

Wishing you all the best, Lyn.

PS I should have said welcome to B.B.

[geoff]

hello Kaykay, I absolutely agree with Lyn, it would always be lovely to have your mum share with you and your new baby, and even though there was an attempt by her to reconcile it didn't end the way you wanted it to, so I would also suggest that you shouldn't go back to live with her.
If you do, then the first, second day maybe OK, but after that it won't turn out the way you had hoped, which is so disappointing and terribly sorry for you and your husband.
Do you think your mum would help you out financially without moving in with her. Geoff.

[gld]

Hi Kaykay,

I feel topsy put forward a great idea about looking into playgroups as this is a great place to meet other people who are able to relate with us as they are at the same stage of life. There are groups out there that meet once a week without spending a cent, although you may want to brush up on some baking skills.

Please do not be too hard on yourself for expressing how you feel to your Mum, it is never really easy to do especially towards someone who has been an authoritative figure throughout our life. Setting boundaries is more healthy to build on a better friendship as others begin to understand where you stand. You have mentioned that you have lived with your Mum and it has not ended well as this is so, i feel you know deep down where you stand with moving in. I feel it is impossible to rebuild your friendship with your mum continuing to set boundaries that are healthy for all of you.

Finance is something that does put a great deal of stress on all of us at different times of our lives and i feel it needs us to work on putting in some time to get back on track. You may need to sit down with your husband and nut out some ideas to cut costs as well as work on budget. If you chip away at the bills they will get paid and also realise it is something that is not something that does not control your happiness you become aware that it is possible to enjoy life without loads of money.

If you are becoming too overwhelmed by what is going on for you i feel it is good to visit places like this to talk about things with others. Your gp is also another good place to go to discuss different things that are impacting on your life.

Be kind to yourself and i hold onto hope that things will improve for you in the near future as you put things into place to better the outcomes for yourself.

Gen