Confused emotions and feelings

[Caddy]

Husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 4 children. Both work full time . I have also taken on all the chores of the house ( not by choice ) and children. I feel like I just never stop.
we have moved around a bit but recently decided to stay put but it would mean another long move away for husband on his own. We have always struggled in our sex life . I have never had a high libido and pretty vanilla , where as he wants spice and excitement .. and way more sex . But recently with the hindering move for him, he has , more than normal, as this has been a regular on going fight .. been saying that I make him miserable and make him want to kill him self because I constantly reject him and never make an effort . He completely shuts down on me for days and makes me feel terrible. We are intimate, just not as much as he would like .. but I still think it’s way more than most couples each week. He mentions wanting to cheat on me . Some times I feel it’s a bit of manipulation to get what he wants from me … but then also start feeling depressed myself that I could possibly make someone so unhappy. I do so much for him and our family.
i just don’t know how to deal with this constant fight anymore . I’ll try harder with our sex life but I can never keep it up. Between full time work, plus a second job, 4 kids and all their requirements . Keeping the house sorted . I’m tired. He doesn’t see it and just says I’m full of constant excuses .
im not allowed to spend money on a cleaner as he believes the kids should help more .. which they do but never to a great standard .
not sure what I’m asking for .. but can I be causing such a depression , I’m tired of being told this was never the relationship he wanted. Yet In the next breathe I’m the love of his life .

[Sophie_M]

Hi Caddy,

Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step, but we think it’s so good that you did because you shouldn’t have to deal with so many things on your own.

It sounds like you take responsibility for a lot in this relationship, and this can have a big impact on how you’re feeling. You are deserving of respect, and you should never feel pressured or coerced by your partner, or like you are without a choice. We think it’s really important to reach out to 1800 Respect to discuss how the relationship is affecting you, on 1800 737 732. They’re kind, understanding and non-judgmental, and can talk things through with you at any time.

If you think it would be helpful, you can also suggest that your partner calls Mensline on 1300 78 99 78 to discuss with them their mental health. Your partner is also more than welcome to call us as well. We are here for you both.

If your husband is having thoughts of ending his life, harming himself or others, we urge you to seek professional help by speaking to your doctor or attending the Emergency Department of your local hospital. If you or him feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We would also encourage you to call our helpline on 1300 22 4636, this is available to you 24/7, and our friendly and non-judgmental counsellors can help you through difficult moments, and help you to figure out how you can get more help with this. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. Do feel free to share more, whenever you're comfortable, about how you're feeling. Our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Caddy

I'd love to be able to celebrate with you regarding how incredibly amazing you are and shout you the holiday of your dreams. You seriously do a heck of a lot. I'm actually stunned that you'd be able to find any energy for sex. Speaking as a mum, a wife, daughter to 2 aging parents, part time worker and general 'go to' person for various other people in my life, I can honestly say I don't even come close to having the amount of work you have on your plate.

On top of everything you do, which sounds thoroughly exhausting, you have a husband who sounds like he's running you into the ground through emotional exhaustion. Imagine if he said 'Love of my life, I've decided on 3 days of foreplay. These 3 days will consist of me working you up through soothing baths, occasional massages with essential oils and gentle music by candle light and I will even do some pole dancing for you as I crack jokes because I find it so naturally exciting when I raise you to laughter'. I hope the thought of this leads you to smile, even just a little, even if it's just the pole dancing part 🙂 You deserve at least 3 days of generating relaxed energy, being given the chance to form a relaxed and naturally exciting connection with your husband. If you're thinking 'relaxed', what's that, that word's not in my vocabulary', I completely understand. I imagine you could predict your husband's response if you said to him 'Dude, sometimes you gotta work a little harder for what you want in life and that includes some work in the way of intimate time with me'. I have no doubt you're worth the effort.

Mentioning he wants to cheat on you is self centered and insane, in my opinion. I have to try not to go on a rant here but this seriously triggers me. You deserve much better than this, this threat. If my husband said this to me, I believe my response would be along the lines of 'While once a person of moral integrity, who continues to proclaim his love for me whenever he feels the need and as someone who neglects to find, through thoughtful and unselfish experimentation, what I would like in the way of intimacy, HAVE YOU NOW COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND?!'

Do you think what your husband could be feeling is the relationship not working in a way that suits him and it's depressing for him to some degree? Would you say the real challenge involves having the relationship work for the both of you, not just him? Is he willing to put in the work or does he simply want what's easiest for himself?

[geoff]

Hello Caddy, and a warm welcome to the site.

You are an incredible mother and wife for all the work you do to sustain this family and the sex between you and your husband should not happen if one person expects, demands or forces themselves onto their spouse/partner, because being intimate is a loving agreement between two people and if it's not, then it doesn't reflect any type of love and is not only uncomfortable but you tend to resent that person, although you may keep this feeling to yourself, but deep down know that he's not helping you in any way, only demanding more sex.

A husband who says ' this was never the relationship he wanted', when he may not get what he wants and then changing his comments to ' I’m the love of his life' when he may be able to have it, is not helping you at all, and yes could be causing you to have depression, although I'm not a doctor to say, but it's your thread.

Whether or not it's causing problems for your husband is something he needs to sort out with his doctor, but you work hard, do the housework and you're tired and it's unreasonable to be put in a situation like this, and if you have time perhaps you need help from your doctor, but we'd love to hear back from you.

Geoff.