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Confused by a break-up

Amali
Community Member

Hi,

I have been trying no contact with my ex for about 4 months. By this I mean he has been texting and calling and I have been ignoring. Besides one text to say it's too hard on both of us if we stay in contact and then on Sunday morning he rang waking me up, I picked up the phone and he pleaded with me for half an hour to take him back and that he can't not have me in his life.

I do really miss him and am equally devastated by the break up as we were building a house together and about to move in. But this is the second break up in 2 years and his actions never match his words, he tells me I deserve better and that he can treat me how I deserve but I just can't risk the pain again, if he let me down a third time. 

I guess I'm confused by his behaviour as he used to treat me like a princess and then I think a mixture of immaturity, losing his mum to cancer, steroid use, wanting to impress his friends and other girls, got the better of him and changed him for the worst.

I guess a small part of me wonders if I made my decision too rashly and gave up on him too soon, but being with him, dealing with his lies and emotional manipulation was just so exhausting it tipped me over the edge. And now I'm even more confused as to why he wants to patch things up when we've already tried that time and time again. He wont give up, we both love each other, the damage is done but how to completely say goodbye to someone who was such a massive part of your life?

amali

4 Replies 4

TheSteve
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Amali,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that this period has been emotionally trying on you. It is unfortunate but almost all of us will, at some point, go through a painful breakup in our lives.

It does also sound that your ex has been going through a very difficult time, losing his mum and obviously needing to seek approval from the outside world (a constantly changing, ever insecure place on which to rely!)  which only ever ends in more pain. And the steroids, these can be a very obvious catalyst for drastic changes in male behaviour. I have seen guys literally come undone mentally after using steroids. They become wholly different people. These are not to be messed with, and clearly, they have had a profound impact on the guy you knew.

It would be hard for me to tell you anything other than what you have already decided yourself - that you are in for more pain should you get back into this relationship. Perhaps the one thing you can do, given your ex is clearly in a difficult period in his life, is encourage him to get help reconciling the loss of his mother; and to normalize his life in a "clean" way (no roids!). The best you can offer him, and he needs to know this, is advice and support even if it is from afar or simply via your mobile phone.

He needs to be able to right his own ship, only then will there ever be a possibility of a "normal" relationship. Without this stability, all relationships he has may likely run the same course.

I admire your compassion for reaching out, what is really on his behalf. You are clearly a strong person if you have abstained from contact for 4 months. He is the one who needs help, and you can guide him there but right now, until he is back in balance, holding your course is probably the smart play.

Good luck to you.

Steve

Amali
Community Member

Thanks Steve, I had tears in my eyes reading this. You really summed it up well. It's just so sad. He really went off the rails and in the process not only let himself down but hurt others as well. It's a fine line between being there for someone and also looking after yourself. Thanks again.

 

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Amali, Steve's reply is very good and pretty well sums it up.

There is a huge difference in a situation like yours between love and dislike, being annoyed or upset, and the one which you have decided on are all the latter ones, and this has happened a couple of times.

So love doesn't prevail it isn't strong enough to keep you together, because the hurt is much a stronger feeling.

I am divorced but I still love my ex, but again this wasn't strong enough to keep us together, although it was her decision, but she still loves me.

The biggest problem is 'his actions don't match his words', and I personally don't believe that ever will, because don't forget that he's 'wanting to impress his friends and other girls', and somebody who does this won't change, because if he does then he will feel as though he has failed.

The decision is entirely up to you.  Geoff. x

TheSteve
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Amali,

There is a reason that, when you fly on an airplane the stewardess typically says during the safety demonstration - "in the case of emergency oxygen masks will drop, DO NOT FIT ANYBODY ELSES OXYGEN MASK, EVEN CHILDREN, UNTIL YOU HAVE FIXED YOUR OWN".

What this means to me is one simple thing - if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of others. You need to be OK, in order to help others. I know you know what I mean by this.

All my best to you.

Steve