Confused and stressed about a guy I’m dating

[Scythe]

My guy and I are in our mid 30s divorced and we’ve been exclusively dating for the last 8 months.

I constantly feel confused about him. On the one hand I think he’s honest and has good intentions. On the other hand I don’t trust him. I don’t know why. I have been unable to commit to him as a gf although he is ready.

1. I have serious health issues and he’s been very supportive of this. The health issue I have has no standardised treatment and limits mobility.

2. For the first 6 months he spoke of his ex wife (10 years marriage) a lot randomly. it really started to bother me and my sister convinced him to stop talking about her. My sister had to step in as he was not listening to me to stop it and told me he’d feel suffocated not talking about her. For the last 3 months he has not spoken about her.

3. I feel quite insecure about his ex. He has only spoken very highly of her. He doesn’t really know the reason they divorced except she gradually changed and withdrew from him emotionally and they both fell out of love. They never fought and were known as the best couple in their group.

5. We do enjoy being together and have lived together through lockdown etc.

6. When we first started dating his Facebook was filled with photos of him and his ex wife - including his main background photo. I ended it there but he then deactivated his account. He said he did that because his relatives in India don’t know he’s separated and he wants to tell them in person.

7. At times I don’t find him that good looking. When he has a short beard I do. He doesn’t like having a beard as he feels shabby. He’s a metrosexual as well.

8. We’ve gone through a lot together - his apartment had sewage overflow, lockdown, he fell sick after vaccine, my Dad got cancer. He has helped me get off an antidepressant I was on.

9. He has tried to reassure me about his ex by promising he’d never go back … it has taken a long time for me to feel secure but I still get bouts of insecurity.

10. For the first 4 months he crossed sexual boundaries with me a bit - even the first time we got physical and it bothered me a lot. Since then it’s been fine.

11. I doubt we are emotionally compatible. He thinks we are. He says he’s had the longest infatuation with me and the strongest emotional connection.

12. He thinks he’s an amazing partner and very mature. I don’t think so. He’s an amazing friend.

14. He thinks all our problems are due to my health issues.

What to do?

[geoff]

Hello Scythe, thanks for posting your comment.

Trust in a r/lationship is primary, if you don't have this then anything can happen against your will as you have listed 14 points, (excluding the 13 th) in regards to him.

As he has been divorced it's inappropriate for him to keep mentioning his ex after the two of you have been together for 8 months.

If you believe you are only friends, have limited trust and not emotionally compatible then you may have some doubts, especially when he is meticulous about himself and his ex., just saying.

Please get back to us when you can.

Geoff.

[Scythe]

Hi Geoff

Thanks so much for replying and for the reality check.

Yes, I do not trust him overall. And I do not know why. I trust him not to hack into my bank accounts and steal my money. I trust him to mostly be honest … I trust him to be there for me for emergencies. He has abandoned me emotionally once and one time really threatened to physically abandon me when I really needed him and he said he would be there for me.

When you say anything can happen against my will what do you mean?

Could all the problems be coming from my lack of trust? Is it from me or him? I am starting therapy next week so I hope to get this worked on.

Regarding talking about his ex he had stopped 3 months ago. But I still feel insecure.

We are not friends at all - I meant I see him as an amazing friend to his friends but I don’t see him as an amazing partner as he thinks about himself.

I am ready to walk away from this relationship. We have agreed to remain friends if we ever break up. I don’t know how to get to that point.

At this point despite my health issues I really think that I can have almost any single guy I want as I am very nice and attractive and I have gotten a lot of interest when I was on dating apps to the point that people I would reject would come back a few months later asking to go on a date. However it’s very hard to find a quality compatible guy for me. And I am 37 yo.

[Scythe]

Sorry the last paragraph sounded not quite right … I meant any single guy who’s basic requirements I meet or who I talk to once and they are looking for someone.

[That Other Guy]

I thought i saw where this was going until the end. I get a guy trying to move on and grieving his ex.

The bit about sexual boundaries seemed like a red flag but if he's blaming any relationship issues on your health, that's a red flag to me and a reason to get out. It sounds like there's other issues you might be able to work through, but blaming you for being sick doesn't sound like a situation that can ever been healthy.

I'm a random internet dude. If you're happy you shouldn't end it over internet advice. But i think you need to think seriously about how he says this and what it says about his attitude towards you