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confused and lonely
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hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum but I need some insight.
I've been seeing this guy for 6 months, things started out really good. A couple month in I noticed that he was been extremely secretive with his phone and I manage to get a chance to look at his phone (he'd actually given me his passcode). I found out there were numerous girls he was talking to, flirting with and seeing, all while telling me I was the only one he wanted. Things from here have gotten terrible as he's still talking to other girls, he doesn't understand what it means to be 'seeing' someone and honest realise things hurt me like when he ignores me all weekend. I tell him how I feel and he just doesn't understand and we end up in huge fights and I end up apologising and then he continues to ignore me until he's ready to move passed it. I stick around because when we're good, we're really good and no matter how bad the fight gets I ask him whether he still wants me and he always says yes, so I believe him and a week later we're back to fighting. I'm scared to step away because I'm worried I won't find anyone else. All my friends are in serious relationships and I just feel so lonely because my friends don't want to spend time with me and this guy who I'm seeing doesn't understand that actually spending time with someone is a important part of seeing each other. he's happy to spend a night or two together and isn't willing to make time for me or plan to do anything fun with me. He's just so hot and cold and I think I know what he wants but then the next day it's like he's a totally different person. we've just had another fight and he said we can work this all out, I ask if he wants to see me and he just says, 'I'll let you know' and then it takes ages for him to 'approve' me coming over. he thinks that not seeing each other after a fight is the best way to go but I just can't get through another weekend of feeling so incredibly anxious. because I'm constantly overthinking everything he says and does, I know that once he has a drink (like he gets absolutely drunk every weekend) he'll start messaging girls and forget about me. He tells me to spend time with my friends but they don't want to. so I sit at home miserable and lonely feeling like no one cares and I spend most of the time crying and I can't get out of bed or off the couch. I just feel so low that I'm putting myself through this but I don't really have anything else to focus my time on right now.
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Dear outlander94,
It's an upsetting situation to be in. You want your partner's affection and time, but he isn't treating you like you matter. To make things worse, your friends are in serious relationships and haven't got time for you. I'm guessing you also feel the pressure to be in a relationship yourself because everyone else is in one.
In moments like this, we often (and naturally) think with our emotions. But I'd like to consider the following:
- He gets drunk every weekend and texts/flirts with other girls instead of you.
- He doesn't seem to make time for you except when it is convenient for him.
- He prefers to not see you after a fight.
- He only spends a night or two with you, but doesn't plan to do any activities with you as a couple.
These all sound like real warning signs that he does not think of you as his partner. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I think this guy is simply keeping himself occupied with you while looking out for other partners. You don't deserve this and you should leave him.
Words are just words. He can say whatever he wants as long as he thinks you'll believe it. That includes things like you're the only one he wants. You shouldn't be apologising to him after a fight when it was caused by his own behaviour. In a relationship, you shouldn't be spending all your time crying. A relationship should bring you joy and you need to be on the same page as your partner. You say this guy doesn't understand what it means to be seeing someone. I don't buy this at all - if he's old enough to be in a relationship, he ought to know what that entails.
I do hope you take the time to consider what I've said. You should like a trusting, kind person and I'd hate for you to be used by someone like him.
Take care,
M
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Hi outlander94,
Im sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time and can hear how it’s upsetting you. I think deep down (or maybe not even so deep down!) you know that his behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable and not the actions of a devoted boyfriend. But you are staying because you have that negative little voice in your head telling you that you won’t find anyone else and keeping you stuck. I would be a rich lady if I had a dollar for every time someone said this to me when their relationship ended or as justification for staying in a bad one - I would have even contributed some dollars 🤣 unfortunately this seems to be a common negative thought that we tell ourselves, but it’s just not true. What is true however is that you will never going to meet someone who you actually love and treats you with respect while you are in a relationship with the wrong person. I think he’s shown you what behaviour and level of respect you can expect from him. I read something once that resonated, and it was “stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it”, which I think is true in this case. That being said, no one is forcing you to do anything and you can leave when or if you choose to. Although if he is dating other people and chatting to people online I think you are well within your rights to do the same. You may think that it’s not your style etc but it’s obvious that things aren’t exclusive from his side and that may be the push you need to realize there are plenty of nice guys out there who are willing to meet your needs
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Hi outlander94.
I am really sorry to hear.
- May I ask, is this the same guy from you first post or a new guy?
The reason why I ask is because you may have some insecurity caused by the actions to what you did to your partner. It's is likely that due to those actions, you now cannot trust yourself which means that you are projecting yourself onto your partner, whether or not it's the same one or a new one.
I suggest that you try to slow down and start focusing on you. I want you to know that you are a good person and that we all make mistakes, so please give yourself compassion. It is okay to feel insecure, however, not trusting your partner could have happened from what you did before Christmas.
Please take time to reflect on how you can become the best version of yourself.
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