Concerned about my boyfriend’s female friend

[jumpingjoy]

Is it alright that my boyfriend’s female friend tells him to look at her breasts?

She explicitly asks him to look at her breasts. She claimed that it is to help her see if her new bra is supporting her breasts well.

She also regularly shares details of her sex life and bodily changes with him.

He is 28. He thinks that people are judgmental for saying her behaviour seems rather inappropriate. He says that she only has male friends because women are generally mean to her. My partner also calls her his “work wife”.

When she broke her leg for the fifth time from playing volleyball, he panicked, called her immediately and asked if she would like him to visit her at the hospital right away, even though her partner was at the hospital with her. The next day, when she messaged my partner and complained to him that she is bored at home, he offered her to crash our date night. When we picked her up, she locked herself out of her house and we ended up driving her around and accompanying her until 12am. This was also the first time I met her, so I greeted her when she first sat in the car but she didn’t respond to me. Throughout the evening, she only talked about herself and complained about the people at work. She didn’t ask about me at all.

I’m asking because I’ve just moved to Australia recently from another country and I’m uncertain if such behaviour is possibly normal and acceptable in Australia society.

[Quercus]

Hi Jumpingjoy and welcome to the forums (and to Australia too 😊),

To be very honest my gut response to your post was to think "run for the hills" from your boyfriend.

I dated a bloke in my 20s who was like this with close female friends. Like you I had a major problem with it. He used to say I was jealous and being stupid. But I felt incredibly uncomfortable around her. Especially when she lectured me about pap smears (he had been discussing private issues again).

In my experience it isn't normal.

Ok so they're friends. But friends have boundaries. Male and female friends have to have even clearer boundaries I think. She is his friend and that doesn't automatically mean you have to want to spend time with her too. Sometimes he does have to be able to say sorry but no I'm with my partner.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

The question I asked myself and perhaps you could consider it too is this...

If their friendship stays as it is (which sounds highly likely)... Are you comfortable and happy within your relationship? It is totally valid to not be happy with this situation but it is ultimately your choice what you can tolerate.

I hope you are able to find a solution that you are happy with.

Nat

[Ruby__2]

Hi jumping joy.

Not acceptable in our Aussie culture.We do accept Male and female friendships, particularly at work,but to me she has overstepped.

At least your partner has told you (a positive!).But you need to let him know you won't tolerate this.Do not compromise your core values.

I don't know what else to say except this is not acceptable. Put some boundaries in place,let him know how this behavior is upsetting you.

If he values you he will stop this woman before she tries to go any further.If not you may need to organize your life to get away and start again.

Do not compromise your core values. You come first .

I wish you the best,but men of worth do not subject their significant others to this.Life is too short.

Ruby 2

[therising]

Hi jumpingjoy

It sounds as though your boyfriend is used to making excuses for his friend's inappropriate behaviour, considering others have also commented on it, in the past.

When I was a much younger woman in my 20s, my best friend was male. The 2 of us did innocently flirt with each other a bit here and there but when one of us would find a partner the flirting would completely stop out of respect for that partner. I would suggest there is a lack of respect in your situation. Something that you have every right to question.

I'll put a bit of a different spin on your situation, something you could perhaps mention to your boyfriend. If you had a male friend and he asked you on occasion to check out his new snug fitting underpants (to see how well they fit in the front), how do you think your boyfriend would feel? I imagine he wouldn't be too impressed and understandably so.

To me, it sounds like this girl is 'marking her territory' so to speak. Given her inappropriate requests and the way she is treating you, she is the one who is setting the boundaries in the relationship, deciding where you fit in. As Nat and Ruby 2 mentioned, you need to begin setting your own healthy boundaries, reflecting what you expect from your relationship. If your boyfriend does not respect your request, you need to think about what is best for you.

The most important relationship we have in life is the one we have with our self. A positive and constructive form of self-respect and self-love fuels our soul and never leads us to question our worth.

Take care of yourself jumpingjoy and take care of those boundaries. By the way, perhaps you could suggest to this woman that she go get her bra professionally fitted, if she's having that much trouble working it out (lol).

[quirkywords]

Jumpingjoy,

I wanted welcome you to Australia and the forum,

Nat, and Ruby and the rising have given you caring and helpful suggestions and comments.

I am always a bit wary when a woman says she has no girlfriends because women are mean to her. I wonder why are women mean and if this woman's berhaviour is usual for her no wonder she has no women friends.

I have no sisters and growing up had male friends but they were purely platonic , like a brother. When I was married and now in my present relationship I actually stopped contacting my male friends as my partners were very jealous. There was nothing to be jealous about but for the sake of the relationship I let the friendship go because I respected their point of view.

I wonder how the partner of this female friend of your boyfriend, feels about your boyfriend being so friendly with is partner. In my experience most men would be very jealous or at least concerned.

Thanks for your honesty in sharing your story.

Quirky